In case you were considering going into the crime business, here are a few tips.

A number of recent headlines are ludicrous enough to create a primer on "what not to do when committing a crime".

If you steal valuables from someone else's property, don't talk about your great find on the news. Somebody is going to notice it if your story doesn't add up or if you don't actually have a hole in your backyard where you claimed you dug up buried treasure.

When you break into a car, don't lock yourself in the trunk.

Don't try to burgle a house by sliding down the chimney. In case you had any doubts about it, Santa is a fictional character who doesn't really get in and out of houses via the chimney--and you can't traipse up and down chimneys either. If you do get yourself stuck in a chimney, you'd better hope you get caught.

Don't ask a police officer for a ride when you're carrying marijuana--especially if you already have an outstanding warrant for selling drugs.

Don't walk into a federal courthouse when you're wanted for a number of crimes--particularly if you have a very distinctive appearance and you're wearing the same trademark disguise you use in bank robberies.

Don't assume a plastic bag being carried by someone walking their dog has anything worth stealing in it. Trust me, it's not worth robbing someone at gunpoint to steal the results of their dog's defecations.

When you're trying to make a getaway in a stolen car, don't try to go through a toll booth without enough money to pay the toll.