The 6-month meltdown
Baby E will be 6 months old on Friday. She is a delight to have around. I'm enjoying all three of my kids so much, and I love being a mom. I'm enjoying my friends and church activities, and lots of good things are happening. Last night I had a really rich time with God and other women at my ladies' Bible study, which I hope to find time to post about soon.
But at the same time, I'm struggling.
I've been having a hard time to motivate myself to blog much lately. I don't feel that I have much really worth saying, or that I can say it well. My perfectionist side is frustrated that my posts haven't been holding up to the quality I would like to see in my writing. I've been reading through my past blog posts, and they seem to be largely inane, far too long, boring, and poorly-written. I find myself wondering how I've managed to keep a few regular readers.
It's not just the blog, either. I have a huge list of things I need to be doing that aren't getting done. Everything from houswork to obligations to friendships have been suffering for months now.
Part of it, I'm sure, is that the long-term sleep deprivation is getting to me.
#################################
I was reading back through some things I wrote after my other two children were born, and realizing that about 6 months after the baby was probably the hardest time for me each time. The novelty and adrenaline rush that comes with having a new baby had worn off, and none of my children slept well at night or were particularly low-maintenance during the day as babies, even when they were happy. The thought that "it will get better any day now" just seems to start wearing off after 6 months of no sleep. :)
About 6 months seems to be the point at which I become really aware of the progressive crumbling physically and emotionally after long-term sleep deprivation and months of not getting good enough self-care. Or maybe it's just that I'm not good at balancing life and responsibilities with a baby.
Most things have been much better this third time around. I am enjoying the whole experience more. The difficulty functioning and the mood swings aren't as severe this time (believe it or not), but I am realizing that something needs to change.
We need to start thinking more long-term, and thinking about getting a routine and a lifestyle that can be maintained. We can't go through the rest of our life just trying to survive today. Too many important things are falling by the wayside, and we don't want to feel constantly behind, exhausted and stressed. We can't live in crisis mode forever.
We are working on trying to get Baby E to sleep better at night, but she's still waking up every 30-90 minutes for the first half of the night even if I'm not feeding her. She will no longer calm down at all for DH, but she will eventually go back to sleep if I'm holding her. She doesn't want to sleep anywhere but in my arms or in my bed.
Last night we both finally fell asleep while I was feeding her in my bed around 2:30 a.m. When I woke a few hours later she was on her tummy a little way from me in the bed. It scares me that I didn't wake up to notice her rolling over, and that she was on her face in my bed. Between the danger of sleeping on her tummy in a softer bed and the danger of her rolling off the bed, I think I'm going to have to start sitting in the rocking chair to nurse her, which means of course that I can't doze off while feeding her.
It's getting harder and harder to accomplish anything, and it feels like I work hard all day and have nothing to show for it at the end. The smallest thing seems like an almost insurmountable obstacle. Today DH won't be able to get off work early like he usually does on Wednesdays, to help get ready for small group. I need to get the house ready and go grocery shopping, but I haven't been able to get up the energy do to anything other than get myself and the kids dressed and fed today.
Both Baby E and MM are sleeping at the moment, and AJ is playing quietly. I really need to pick up the house, clean the kitchen, sweep and vaccuum, and make sure the bathrooms and playroom are useable for the group tonight.
People will be here in two hours, and we're supposed to provide hamburger buns and a side dish. I don't know whether to try to get the house ready or wake up the kids and go to the store. I don't think I can do both. I'm not sure where the rest of the day went.
DH and I realized this week that we hardly ever spend time together any more. We're both so exhausted and we have so much to do that we are busy until we collapse into bed far too late in the evening. We decided that we need to just hire a babysitter to come every week or every other week, so we can go out and spend time together. It's expensive to pay a babysitter, but as we were joking to each other, it's a lot cheaper than paying for marriage counseling because we didn't make it a priority to spend that time together.
We don't have that much to do, and yet we have far too much to do. We're so blessed, and yet we feel like we're barely keeping up and hanging on. Is it just the season? Maybe we shouldn't be trying to do so much ministry, socialization, and other activities when we have such young children. Or maybe we just need to organize our lives better.
A friend and I were talking yesterday about how, as young moms, we seem to fluctuate between being bored out of our minds and feeling like we have no mental stimulation and aren't doing anything of real value, and feeling like we have way too much going on and are burning out. It's so hard to find the in-between. We want to give our kids enough time and priority without going crazy or completely abandoning other parts of life. But how?
I know I need more sleep and a better routine, and I have to make sure I'm eating and drinking adequately. But I also need time to recharge, time with my husband, and most importantly time with God.
It's figuring out how to make all that happen that's hard. Here we are 6 months later, and in some ways it seems like Baby E has always been a part of our family. She is a wonderful addition. I love my family and I'm so grateful. But operating with the new dynamics of a family of 5 still seems almost as fresh and strange as it did the first month.
I'm wondering if the first year after having a baby is difficult and challenging no matter how many kids you have, or if it gets easier with each successive child? I've always wanted at least 4 kids, maybe more, but I'm not sure I want to live in this confused, barely-functioning, sleep-deprived state for another few years or more.
How can we make this work better? There has to be a way, doesn't there? Or is this just what being a mother of babies and young children is like? I'm not sure just trying harder is the answer.
[Update: I was jsut about to post this when DH called and said he got out of his treaining meeting early today after all, so he's going to the store for me. Hooray! I'm thanking the Lord for meeting that need.]
But at the same time, I'm struggling.
I've been having a hard time to motivate myself to blog much lately. I don't feel that I have much really worth saying, or that I can say it well. My perfectionist side is frustrated that my posts haven't been holding up to the quality I would like to see in my writing. I've been reading through my past blog posts, and they seem to be largely inane, far too long, boring, and poorly-written. I find myself wondering how I've managed to keep a few regular readers.
It's not just the blog, either. I have a huge list of things I need to be doing that aren't getting done. Everything from houswork to obligations to friendships have been suffering for months now.
Part of it, I'm sure, is that the long-term sleep deprivation is getting to me.
#################################
I was reading back through some things I wrote after my other two children were born, and realizing that about 6 months after the baby was probably the hardest time for me each time. The novelty and adrenaline rush that comes with having a new baby had worn off, and none of my children slept well at night or were particularly low-maintenance during the day as babies, even when they were happy. The thought that "it will get better any day now" just seems to start wearing off after 6 months of no sleep. :)
About 6 months seems to be the point at which I become really aware of the progressive crumbling physically and emotionally after long-term sleep deprivation and months of not getting good enough self-care. Or maybe it's just that I'm not good at balancing life and responsibilities with a baby.
Most things have been much better this third time around. I am enjoying the whole experience more. The difficulty functioning and the mood swings aren't as severe this time (believe it or not), but I am realizing that something needs to change.
We need to start thinking more long-term, and thinking about getting a routine and a lifestyle that can be maintained. We can't go through the rest of our life just trying to survive today. Too many important things are falling by the wayside, and we don't want to feel constantly behind, exhausted and stressed. We can't live in crisis mode forever.
We are working on trying to get Baby E to sleep better at night, but she's still waking up every 30-90 minutes for the first half of the night even if I'm not feeding her. She will no longer calm down at all for DH, but she will eventually go back to sleep if I'm holding her. She doesn't want to sleep anywhere but in my arms or in my bed.
Last night we both finally fell asleep while I was feeding her in my bed around 2:30 a.m. When I woke a few hours later she was on her tummy a little way from me in the bed. It scares me that I didn't wake up to notice her rolling over, and that she was on her face in my bed. Between the danger of sleeping on her tummy in a softer bed and the danger of her rolling off the bed, I think I'm going to have to start sitting in the rocking chair to nurse her, which means of course that I can't doze off while feeding her.
It's getting harder and harder to accomplish anything, and it feels like I work hard all day and have nothing to show for it at the end. The smallest thing seems like an almost insurmountable obstacle. Today DH won't be able to get off work early like he usually does on Wednesdays, to help get ready for small group. I need to get the house ready and go grocery shopping, but I haven't been able to get up the energy do to anything other than get myself and the kids dressed and fed today.
Both Baby E and MM are sleeping at the moment, and AJ is playing quietly. I really need to pick up the house, clean the kitchen, sweep and vaccuum, and make sure the bathrooms and playroom are useable for the group tonight.
People will be here in two hours, and we're supposed to provide hamburger buns and a side dish. I don't know whether to try to get the house ready or wake up the kids and go to the store. I don't think I can do both. I'm not sure where the rest of the day went.
DH and I realized this week that we hardly ever spend time together any more. We're both so exhausted and we have so much to do that we are busy until we collapse into bed far too late in the evening. We decided that we need to just hire a babysitter to come every week or every other week, so we can go out and spend time together. It's expensive to pay a babysitter, but as we were joking to each other, it's a lot cheaper than paying for marriage counseling because we didn't make it a priority to spend that time together.
We don't have that much to do, and yet we have far too much to do. We're so blessed, and yet we feel like we're barely keeping up and hanging on. Is it just the season? Maybe we shouldn't be trying to do so much ministry, socialization, and other activities when we have such young children. Or maybe we just need to organize our lives better.
A friend and I were talking yesterday about how, as young moms, we seem to fluctuate between being bored out of our minds and feeling like we have no mental stimulation and aren't doing anything of real value, and feeling like we have way too much going on and are burning out. It's so hard to find the in-between. We want to give our kids enough time and priority without going crazy or completely abandoning other parts of life. But how?
I know I need more sleep and a better routine, and I have to make sure I'm eating and drinking adequately. But I also need time to recharge, time with my husband, and most importantly time with God.
It's figuring out how to make all that happen that's hard. Here we are 6 months later, and in some ways it seems like Baby E has always been a part of our family. She is a wonderful addition. I love my family and I'm so grateful. But operating with the new dynamics of a family of 5 still seems almost as fresh and strange as it did the first month.
I'm wondering if the first year after having a baby is difficult and challenging no matter how many kids you have, or if it gets easier with each successive child? I've always wanted at least 4 kids, maybe more, but I'm not sure I want to live in this confused, barely-functioning, sleep-deprived state for another few years or more.
How can we make this work better? There has to be a way, doesn't there? Or is this just what being a mother of babies and young children is like? I'm not sure just trying harder is the answer.
[Update: I was jsut about to post this when DH called and said he got out of his treaining meeting early today after all, so he's going to the store for me. Hooray! I'm thanking the Lord for meeting that need.]
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Posted by purple_kangaroo at 3:39 PM[Permanent link]
10 Comments:
I am just scanning random blogs and came across yours...I think you write really well; I had tears in my eyes! I am sure this makes absolutey no difference to how you feel, but for some sort of reference to what some people can't find time to do, I finally took down my Christmas decorations just last night! So if you forget to sweep the front entry or whatever, don't get too hard on yourself...
Hi, thatsagoodmeatball. I'm really glad you stopped by and took the time to comment. Thanks so much! It's good to know I'm not the only one that feels behind--and I still have a few Christmas decorations up too. :)
I'll stop by your blog when I get a chance, and check it out.
I'm quite in awe of all the events you host and contribute to. If I manage to get to the grocery store, I feel very accomplished for the week. If we have one set of dinner guests per month, I feel like Super Mom. I don't know if you realize how high the standards are to which you're holding yourself!
LG slept like Baby E at six months: in my arms, up every 20-90 minutes, with maybe one two-hour shift at the beginning of the night. I can't even begin to express how physically and emotionally destroyed we were by the end of that six months. And he was our only child at the time! How you're doing it all -- and writing a blog -- while you've got older children to care for as well... well, I just can't imagine.
What PS and thatsagoodmeatball said.
I waited to go back to school until we were financially in a place where I could leave my job since I felt I couldn't work AND go to school AND be the mom I want to be --- sometimes something has to give, y'know?
Can you make a list of your many activities and give each of them a number 1 being most important and the highest number being least important. Then write the amount of time each one REALLY takes...And then be realistic about the time you can give to activities outside of what you MUST do to be a mom/homeschooler/wife.
Really, that's how Mr. Spock and I do our organizing...and perhaps I'm a little skimpy on my civic commitments, but Mr. Spock volunteers in several places, so I say he does it for both of us.
I don't have any advice for you, not having been there... ;-), but know that I am praying for you as you try to figure out a better schedual. :-)
(This post is meant for all who might need to hear my thoughts. I don't have all the answers but do have some experience to share)
Let me start out by saying that I do know how hard it is to get everything done when you have little ones. :-)
That said, there are as many hours in the day as there have always been. In the end it boils down to how we choose to use them that really makes the difference. Also, it makes a difference in how we choose to view being at home and whether we let it be boring to us or whether we are content and happy in where God put us for that season of life.
Where does one spend time in this day and age that could be better spent on what really needs to be done for our family and in keeping ourselves healthy and rested? I believe in this day and age we all need to ask ourselves the following questions and also take a good look at our day and see where we waste time or use it not profitably. We should actually time the things we do in our days to get a true picture of what we do with our precious time.
Remember it may not be a bad activity or one we have to abandon altogether, but the amount of time we spend may not be best and it may not be right for this season of life. (This advice is for myself as well as others)
How much time do we spend on reading others blogs and message boards?
How much time do we spend writing our own blogs?
How much time do we spend finding other interesting things to look at on the computer when we research something we really do need to research?
How much time do we spend writing e-mails.
How much time do we spend talking on the phone each day?
How much time each week do we spend on church activities (or any kind of activities for a good cause) that take away time from our families?
How much time do we spend getting together with friends for lunch, dinner, chatting, crafting or whatever fits your lifestyle?
How much time do we spend reading or watching TV & movies?
How much time do we spend trying to get something done at the last minute when if we had taken the time to plan ahead it would have gone much faster?
How much time do we spend shopping for things we don't really need? Or take too long to shop for what we do need?
There are any number of things that I think can interfere with using our time wisely and cause us to be busy, busy, busy and still we do not get anything done.
I also think that children respond to our contentment or lack of and respond also to our busy, busy hectic schedules. I have found kids are much less high maintenance and content themselves with:
regular routine,
early bedtimes (children are put to bed generally now at a much later time than in previous eras),
regular times for meals, discipline,
love,
fun with Mom and Dad and of course time with friends too (but again be aware of how much time is spent being with friends so it doesn't take all of our time or theirs),
being expected to have good attitudes (which is not the same as denying their feelings like anger, but more of a learning to control the wrong actions that may come from those feelings and learning that feelings can be changed within oneself to more positive ones),
outside play time,
quiet and noisy times,
learning activities,
Mom and Dad being the Mom and Dad (knowing who are the parents and in charge) kids really do like boundaries,
and having responsibility appropriate for their age. It helps them feel like they are a true part of the family and contributing to its well being. There is a super book called "401 Ways to Get Your Kids to Work at Home" by by Bonnie Runyan McCullough & Susan Monson that even suggest what age is appropriate for what chores.
Now, I have gone on far too long but I really want to encourage anyone struggling with time issues and with parenting being overwhelming to take a look at how our lifestyles are contributing to that. I hate to see so many parents make it so hard for themselves. I believe we don't need a lower standard, we need to adjust our lives to reflect that our families and homes are important. Not too say that there won't be those days when things don't get done, our house is a mess or our children are cranky and fussy, but those should be the exception and not the rule if we use our time and resources wisely.
In the end life will be a whole lot more fun and less stressful.
Thanks, everyone. It seems I'm constantly going through the process of evaluating how I'm using my time and what activities are most important, but I guess I need to work harder at that.
Mom and anyone else, I do want to clarify that I didn't mean that I don't see raising my children or being home with them as of real value. I didn't mean that at all. I do. Very much so. I think you know that.
But even in parenting, some things have a higher value and interest level than others. I'm trying to balance housework, schoolwork and other types of interactions with them so that none of us are bored or overworked.
I see teaching the kids important things about life, God and relationships as valuable and interesting. I do see them as my primary calling and ministry at this point in my life, although I do think some amount of adult interaction is healthy and necessary, too.
What's really pointless, boring and frustrating is something like, for instance, spending way too much time trying to find my keys because I was careless and mislaid them, or staying up until 2 a.m. doing laundry even though I'd much rather be sleeping. I really hate being disorganized, and that sort of thing is a big struggle and frustration for me.
p_k, I believe that it is difficult whether it is a first child or a third, etc. Change seems harder on adults than children and when those changes involve severe sleep deprivation, the problem is only compounded.
I agree with everyone else, you do an amazing amount of activities and contribute in so many ways to your family and community.
It does and will get better.
Joining in on the chorus of support. Given your past medical history, and the issues with doing sleep deprivation, 3 kids, and everything you do--you are amazing.
And, if you need the blog, use the blog--have it be your vent or whatever. But if the blog is using you, it is ok to take a break!
CCW, I liked what you said about change. And thanks, R2Ks, for the reminder that the blog should never be running me. :)
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