Musings about sleep deprivation and expectations

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See the teeth?



Look; two teeth!



You can see in these pictures that Baby E isn't feeling well. She doesn't have quite her usual sparkle. But I think she's still totally adorable, although I may be just a bit biased.

I just received an e-mail from a loved one who is an experienced mother with quite a few children. One of the things she said was, "Embrace your tiredness! Accept the weary mornings! I am convinced that dark eye-circles are the crown of a mom, like gray hair is said to be the crown of old age. I wear mine with joy and gratefulness."

I've been thinking about this a lot lately: Maybe I'm going about this all wrong. Maybe, instead of trying to figure out how to get more sleep, I need to somehow focus on being able to flourish on 4-6 hours of broken sleep. Maybe I just need to stop being frustrated at not getting more sleep.

Maybe my problem isn't sleep deprivation or illness. Maybe my problem is faulty expectations. Maybe, instead of being frustrated that Baby E just spent 20 minutes screaming in her crib before finally falling asleep for a 20-minute nap, waking up, falling asleep in my arms, screaming as soon as I laid her down, and falling asleep again when I picked her up, and repeating this several more times, I need to accept that living this way is normal.

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Do I need to focus on enjoying the sleeping baby in my arms instead of worrying about the other two children and the housework I'm neglecting (or taking a nap myself, as I'd like to be doing)? Or--as I tend to think--do I just need to organize my time and energy better and somehow figure out how to be completely engaged with the other two kids, plan and teach a homeschool lesson, do laundry, clean the house, play with the kids, cook nutritious meals from scratch, call the women in my small group to organize food for moms' group, write some letters and spend a half-hour working on my Bible study, all while holding a sleeping/fussy baby in my arms?

Am I not trying hard enough, or do I need to lower my expectations? That's my constant dillemma. My response generally seems to be to let things I think I should be doing slide and then feel guilty and depressed about it because I think I should be able to do so much more, so much better than I do.

I'm realizing that a big part of the reason the sleep deprivation and the being sick 2-3 weeks out of most months bothers me is that I don't see it as normal. It frustrates me because I don't think it should be that way.

In a way, I see my baby's lack of sleep as my own personal failure. All my friends who have babies seem to be able to get theirs to sleep so much better. I don't know anyone even with a brand new newborn who is getting up more than 2-3 times a night, or whose baby sleeps less than 10-12 hours total at night, plus naps. The other parents I meet just don't seem to have the same struggles I do; at least not for the long term. So I feel like I must be failing somehow or doing something wrong. I just don't know what.

None of my kids have been good sleepers, so I really wonder if it's something I'm doing wrong to make them that way. I keep thinking it can't be good for the baby to be getting so little sleep, either. But being sick makes it more challenging for everyone.

I feel guilty about our being sick so much, too. Deep down I think that if I were taking better care of us--if we were getting more sleep, eating better, not spending so much time around large groups of people, or whatever--then we wouldn't be sick so much.

Someone told me this week that expecting not to get sick might help. I think because I don't expect to get sick, I let it bother me too much when we do come down with so many illnesses. Every time we get over a bout of illness, I think NOW we're finally going to be well for a while. I expect us to be well and plan for it; I pin my hopes on it. Then when we get sick again within days, my hopes are dashed. It's to the point now where I'm afraid to even hope for any period of time when we're well enough to plan anything.

I think my frustration and discouragement is probably as much a problem with attitudes and expectations as anything else. If the worst thing that happens is that we are always sleep deprived, sick with colds and flu, and tripping over things in a messy house--well, honestly, we have it pretty good. If sleep deprivation and minor illness are all I have to whine about, then I should be counting my blessings. I know that.

I love my kids and husband, our home, our church, our friends and family. We have a great life. On the occasional day when I feel good I almost can't contain myself, I'm so happy and energetic. I love, love, love my life.

I don't know why I can't make myself realize that emotionally when I'm dealing with illness, fatigue and pain. I used to be able to.

I know a lot of it is physical, and especially related to sleep deprivation. Maybe I shouldn't have had kids knowing that I don't handle severe sleep deprivation well, but it's a bit late now--and I wouldn't trade my kids for anything.

Since it isn't looking like the sleep deprivation and frequent illness is going away any time soon, I'm going to have to find a way to transcend that.

It may be an attitude problem. It may be faulty expectations of normalcy. It could be a chemical imbalance of some sort. Maybe it's something simple like not drinking enough water. It very well may be a spiritual battle. Probably it's a combination of things.

Whatever it is, I need to figure it out. Please pray for me as I try to do that.