Perfectionism . . . or not.
They say there are two types of perfectionists . . . the ones who try to do everything perfectly, and the ones who don't even try because they know they can never do it perfectly enough.
And then there are the ones like me, who fluctuate wildly and constantly between the two.
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"You need to lower your expectations."
"Stop making excuses . . . you need to expect more of yourself."
"Don't work so hard; you're burning yourself out. Stop and take time to enjoy life. Play with the kids."
"You just need to work harder. And play with the kids more, too."
"No, you're already working plenty hard. You need to work smarter. Stop spinning your wheels."
"Take a break, then you'll be refreshed to tackle the tasks ahead."
"Discipline yourself to get all your work done first. Then you'll have more time for other things."
"Your priorities are all wrong. There are things a lot more important than having a clean, organized home."
"It's not fair to you or your family NOT to have a clean, organized home."
"If you'd just get things caught up so things were clean and clutter-free, the whole family would be so much happier and more productive. You need to work really hard and get things to a manageable level, and then you can just maintain it. That will leave everyone free to focus on more important things."
"No, what you need to do is RELAX already. Stop stressing about it so much."
"Try harder."
"You try too hard."
"You're not doing enough."
"You're doing too much."
The internal voices are constantly at war. Are my expectations too high, or not high enough? Am I trying to do the impossible, or am I somehow sabotaging myself?
The absolute minimum I feel I need to do to keep my sanity is my morning routine.
My goal used to be to get the morning routine done by lunch time, then to do an afternoon routine and an evening routine. They seem pretty simple too.
If I got all that done every day, I would be thrilled. I think that would be enough to basically keep things under control.
But, realistically, I'm lucky if I get my morning routine done by bedtime. I'd be happy if I got the morning and evening routines done, and thrilled if I also got the afternoon routine done.
But the minimum is the morning routine. It's not ideal, but okay, if that's all I get done.
Most days--lately the vast majority--I don't get even that done.
It doesn't seem that unreasonable to do at least the things on the morning list.
But by the time I help the kids get dressed and ready for the day, feed everyone, change diapers and figure out activities for the kids, I'm struggling to just get myself dressed and get a load of dishes done by the end of the day, much less doing my hair or finding everyone's shoes.
It seems so simple, so minimal. How can it possibly be so hard to get those simple, basic things done?
How can I work so hard, and yet fail so miserably?
And then there are the ones like me, who fluctuate wildly and constantly between the two.
#####################
"You need to lower your expectations."
"Stop making excuses . . . you need to expect more of yourself."
"Don't work so hard; you're burning yourself out. Stop and take time to enjoy life. Play with the kids."
"You just need to work harder. And play with the kids more, too."
"No, you're already working plenty hard. You need to work smarter. Stop spinning your wheels."
"Take a break, then you'll be refreshed to tackle the tasks ahead."
"Discipline yourself to get all your work done first. Then you'll have more time for other things."
"Your priorities are all wrong. There are things a lot more important than having a clean, organized home."
"It's not fair to you or your family NOT to have a clean, organized home."
"If you'd just get things caught up so things were clean and clutter-free, the whole family would be so much happier and more productive. You need to work really hard and get things to a manageable level, and then you can just maintain it. That will leave everyone free to focus on more important things."
"No, what you need to do is RELAX already. Stop stressing about it so much."
"Try harder."
"You try too hard."
"You're not doing enough."
"You're doing too much."
The internal voices are constantly at war. Are my expectations too high, or not high enough? Am I trying to do the impossible, or am I somehow sabotaging myself?
The absolute minimum I feel I need to do to keep my sanity is my morning routine.
- The morning routine seems like a pretty simple list:
- Get dressed
- Shoes on
- Hair done
- Wash face, brush teeth, etc.
- Make bed
- Put away pajamas, pick up bedroom floor
- Start or reboot laundry
- Kids dressed/shoes
- Unload dishwasher
- Breakfast
- Dishes
- Wipe off kitchen counters
- Shine sink
- Kids' morning chores done
- Turn on lights/music (this is more a mood booster than a necessity--not a big deal if it doesn't happen)
- Lunch planned/started
- Dinner planned/started
- High chair tray wiped off
- Kitchen table cleared off/wiped down
- Water plants as needed
My goal used to be to get the morning routine done by lunch time, then to do an afternoon routine and an evening routine. They seem pretty simple too.
- Afternoon:
- Pick up hot spots (5-15 minute job)
- Fold & put away laundry
- 15 minutes working in the week's zone (one particular area of the house that rotates weekly)
- Bathrooms (brief wipe-down, check supplies)
- Evening:
- Dishes
- Start dishwasher
- Wipe off kitchen counters
- Shine sink
- High chair tray
- Kitchen table cleared off/wiped down
- Think ahead to next day's meals, put meat in fridge to thaw if necessary
- Feed/water hamster
- Check schedule, update calendar
- Update to-do list
- Write down any money spent that day
- Get ready for bed
- Lay out clothes
- Take any dirty laundry upstairs
- Plug in cell phone
- Quiet time (2-5 minutes minimum)
- Go to sleep at a reasonable time
If I got all that done every day, I would be thrilled. I think that would be enough to basically keep things under control.
But, realistically, I'm lucky if I get my morning routine done by bedtime. I'd be happy if I got the morning and evening routines done, and thrilled if I also got the afternoon routine done.
But the minimum is the morning routine. It's not ideal, but okay, if that's all I get done.
Most days--lately the vast majority--I don't get even that done.
It doesn't seem that unreasonable to do at least the things on the morning list.
But by the time I help the kids get dressed and ready for the day, feed everyone, change diapers and figure out activities for the kids, I'm struggling to just get myself dressed and get a load of dishes done by the end of the day, much less doing my hair or finding everyone's shoes.
It seems so simple, so minimal. How can it possibly be so hard to get those simple, basic things done?
How can I work so hard, and yet fail so miserably?
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Posted by purple_kangaroo at 11:11 PM[Permanent link]
9 Comments:
shine sink?! I'd cross that one off right away. :)
although i guess last night i did have a little bit of a panic attack and commanded my husband out of the litchen because the was crud collecting around the rim of the sink.
but i digress...
i don't have any advice that you haven't already given yourself in this post. wait- did you say don't be so hard on yourself?
Bridget, the shiny sink (well, wiping out the sink anyway) is the keystone of the FlyLady method--which, you know, is working out for me so well.
It almost never happens. :)
But I keep thinking that if I gave it a shot--really gave it a consistent shot--the method would work for me.
Maybe I need to find a different approach?
I see myself in your self-flagellation. Perhaps most people aren't entirely one or the other kind of perfectionist, but rather those are two common options for a perfectionist in each decision they make. After all, by choosing to do one thing perfectly, a perfectionist must choose not to do other things.
From a practical standpoint, I can only remind you of that which you obviously already know... prioritization, delegation, etc. Once your kids are old enough, they can participate. You can even hire an assistant as often as necessary; they can be an immeasurable help.
The seemingly simple parts of everyday life can be the most deceptively time and energy consuming. Don't accept the easy lie that these "simple" parts amount to a simple whole, since that is a sure source of condemnation.
I see no reason to believe you are failing miserably. Your struggle with perfection simply means that you are earnestly in search of bettering yourself and your family, which is most commendable. It's a balance. Go easy on yourself. Life is to be enjoyed.
Sing it sister!
I, too, am a dual-sided perfectionist. I think it comes from the people pleaser, must do everything bigger, better, faster for oohs and ahhs side warring with my logical, psych major side of me that says "self-care first, and everything else will fall into place." So, I'm little more than a conflicting compromise on a good day.
As for the house yuck (it's yuck much more than it is work!), I figure, there are more people than just me living and dirtying up our space - and since we are a two-income family, it is only fair that we divvy the labor up and do more (total house cleaned) with less (each person chips in a bit).
I really wish it were as easy as being the 19th century women reflected in that quiz! I know, there are mass amounts of women rolling in their graves right now, re: "ease," but at least they knew their place in society - now, anything's game and making it work is dizzying.
I'm not one to talk, since the clean laundry is currently lying still unfolded on the bedroom floor (but it is sorted!), but your morning list looks daunting to me. Seriously daunting.
If you get even a third of your morning list done by bedtime then you are still waaaaaayyyyyy ahead of me. Not that this is a competition or anything, I'm just saying what it looks like from my perspective. It's a long list. You've got 3 girls and you're homeschooling 2 of them. Cutting yourself a break is definitely in the cards.
I'm a perfectionist about my work, but little else. I'm an awful housekeeper. I often said that if I hadn't married a husband who was anal about having a relatively clean house, it wouldn't be clean at all.
Having a clean house isn't all that important to me. Staying sane and happy is. Don't listen to your voices when they tell you you aren't doing enough. Keeping a house clean is a monumental task. Keeping a house clean when there's kids involved is an impossible one. Don't be so hard of yourself. We love you, the family loves you, and we all think you're incredible, even if the dishes sit for 30 minutes. I promise. Love yourself as much as your girls and DH and we do.
Thank you so much, each of you, for your comments. It's helpful reading them. Thanks.
I just started reading your blog not long ago, and this post just resonated with me so much. Can I just say, ME TOO!!!!
I can relate to the back-and-forth perfectionism. Some days I'll do next to nothing, other days I go overboard. Neither is very healthy.
I like Flylady, but I think the key to her method isn't shining your sink religiously, but getting yourself to do a little bit, consistently. And not beating yourself up for not being perfect.
I've found I am more likely to do my morning list (and nighttime, etc) if it's short enough to remember (like 5 items tops). Then if I feel like doing more, I do. If not, at least I've finished the most important items.
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