How Children Learn Manners
[Cross-posted on Embracing the Risk]
This article has some interesting food for thought.
I remember hearing, quite some time ago, that the best way to teach children to allow others to go first is not by forcing them to let everyone else go first all the time, but by seeing others model the "after you" attitude. I think of our family gatherings . . . The youngest children are almost always served first, followed by the oldest people in the gathering (i.e. grandma).
It seems that as the children grow older, they naturally gravitate from being the one stepped aside for, to stepping aside for others. (Sometimes, though, they do get some reminders or encouragement.)
The thought about it not being polite to tell others what to say has me thinking. I do think that, as parents, it is our job to coach our children and instruct them. But I do also think that kids naturally tend to reflect the tones and attitudes that are used toward them, and this is definitely something worth being aware of.
Right now we're dealing with the issue of our kids correcting others or telling them what to do a lot. I realized last night that when one of my kids is rude and judgmental toward someone, my responding in a rude and judgmental tone is not exactly helpful. So, I've been working on my response to this.
If I respond by saying something like, "[Child's first and middle name], that is NOT the way you talk to someone! How rude!" then I'm really modeling exactly the type of behavior I am trying to correct--harsh, rude and shaming.
Instead, I'm trying to come up with an approach that is instructive while modeling the respectful, polite tones that I want them to learn--something like, "Oops, that didn't come across very politely. Can you think of a kinder way to say that?" And then helping them with some ideas to rephrase it.
I'm also realizing that I need to teach my children not to interrupt and to listen politely when someone else is talking not just by instructing them in those skills. I also need to make a concerted effort to give them my full attention and listen politely without interrupting when they are talking.
What do you all think, and how do/would you approach these kinds of issues?
(More of my thoughts in the first comment.)
This article has some interesting food for thought.
I remember hearing, quite some time ago, that the best way to teach children to allow others to go first is not by forcing them to let everyone else go first all the time, but by seeing others model the "after you" attitude. I think of our family gatherings . . . The youngest children are almost always served first, followed by the oldest people in the gathering (i.e. grandma).
It seems that as the children grow older, they naturally gravitate from being the one stepped aside for, to stepping aside for others. (Sometimes, though, they do get some reminders or encouragement.)
The thought about it not being polite to tell others what to say has me thinking. I do think that, as parents, it is our job to coach our children and instruct them. But I do also think that kids naturally tend to reflect the tones and attitudes that are used toward them, and this is definitely something worth being aware of.
Right now we're dealing with the issue of our kids correcting others or telling them what to do a lot. I realized last night that when one of my kids is rude and judgmental toward someone, my responding in a rude and judgmental tone is not exactly helpful. So, I've been working on my response to this.
If I respond by saying something like, "[Child's first and middle name], that is NOT the way you talk to someone! How rude!" then I'm really modeling exactly the type of behavior I am trying to correct--harsh, rude and shaming.
Instead, I'm trying to come up with an approach that is instructive while modeling the respectful, polite tones that I want them to learn--something like, "Oops, that didn't come across very politely. Can you think of a kinder way to say that?" And then helping them with some ideas to rephrase it.
I'm also realizing that I need to teach my children not to interrupt and to listen politely when someone else is talking not just by instructing them in those skills. I also need to make a concerted effort to give them my full attention and listen politely without interrupting when they are talking.
What do you all think, and how do/would you approach these kinds of issues?
(More of my thoughts in the first comment.)
Labels: parenting
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Posted by purple_kangaroo at 11:35 AM[Permanent link]
2 Comments:
Just to clarify, I don't agree with everything in the article. I think some of it was a little over-the-top, especially the part about being told what to do causing major self-esteem issues.
I also disagree with the implication that one should never do or say anything that doesn't fit with their emotions at the moment. I strongly believe that our emotions cannot always determine our actions. I think there's a balance between not saying things that are untruthful or insincere, which is fine, but also not allowing ourselves to do or say things that are hurtful to others just because we are in a bad mood or whatever.
I don't force my kids to say "I'm sorry" if they don't want to, but I do require them to make restitution if they hurt or destroy someone or something.
I don't make my kids talk to people when they're uncomfortable, and I think it's very important not to pressure kids to do things like hug someone they're uncomfortable with.
But I do require my kids to take turns and treat people kindly even when they don't feel like it. I think that in order to make society function smoothly we need to treat each other with kindness and respect whether we "feel like it" or not.
I'm often telling my kids that it's OK to be angry, but it's not OK to hurt themselves or other people or destroy things in their anger.
We also strongly discourage the use of the word "hate" in most situations at our home. It's OK if used toward sin, but not toward people.
I handle this by explaining to my kids that the word "hate" means that they want to destroy something.
Normally, if I talk it through with them, they will admit that they don't really want to destroy all broccoli in the world so that it no longer exists. They just don't like the taste. And they don't want to destroy their sister, they are just mad at her at the moment.
So I work with them on finding more accurate and appropriate ways to describe their feelings.
Ooh! Modeling! I have a hard time with that and need to work on it.
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