Prioritizing

Baby E slept for about 4 hours after we put her to bed without waking frequently like she'd been doing. Just that alone makes me feel tons better. Perhaps there's a light at the end of the tunnel, after all! Maybe all our work trying to get her to sleep more is paying off.

For those who can't access or didn't read the comments under my last post, I did want to clarify that the current issue is not that I don't see my kids or my job as a SAHM (stay-at-home-mom) as important, interesting, or my main priority. I enjoy my kids a lot and I'm so thankful for them and glad to have the opportunity to stay home with them. I'm very thankful for my wonderful husband, also, and our many blessings.

I do think it's often normal for SAHMs to go through seasons of struggle with the reality of being home with young children all the time, and frustration with the way that limits other things they can do. But I don't think that's the issue for me currently. Right now I think I'm feeling more of a frustration that other things are infringing on our home time, our peace and quiet, and my time with my kids than the other way around.

Too easily I get into "feeling like a failure" mode, and when that starts happening it bleeds out every which way. I tend to feel guilty that I can't keep up with all my commitments (completely and on time), carry on a flawless correspondence in addition to maintaining friendships, have an extensive devotional life, keep the house (nearly) spotless, stay organized, cook hypoallergenic nutritious but gourmet meals from scratch three times a day, homeschool the kids, be supermom and superwife, do several church activities and ministries (not to mention enriching educational activities for the kids), have meetings or activities 4-5+ days per week, and care for two preschoolers and an infant all at the same time. I think I should be able to do all that, and I can't.

I really want to have a good balance in my life.

The main reason I'm struggling right now is sleep deprivation. I'm not feeling good because of it. Everything seems to take way longer than it should.

I am evaluating my time usage and activities.

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I don't think I spend a ton of time doing recreational things, watching TV, e-mail/blogging, etc. Often when I do those things it's generally either when I'm spending time with DH (I tend to watch as an occasional social activity, not a time-filler or way to relax) or nursing the baby. I usually feed her while I do things like blogging, reading online, and research. That's generally what I do instead of reading, watching TV, doing fun crafts, etc).

My computer time is my way to relax, unwind and do something that's both fun and is (I feel) of some value. Blogging helps me keep loved ones informed about our lives and keep my writing/critical thinking skills at least somewhat in practice, among other things.

I've almost completely cut out most other activities (eBay, freelancing, message boards, music, collecting, etc.) that have taken a lot of my time in the past, and this is one I'd like to keep--especially since I've been succeeding at keeping it to moderation for quite some time.

The time I spend with friends generally averages out to 1-2 times every week or two. Some of my friends tend to just hang out and visit with me here while I'm caring for the kids, cooking meals and doing housework--things I would be doing anyway. A bit of adult conversation every now and then is very helpful for me. I think that's important.

I do spend a lot of time resting with the kids when I can. If I could get more sleep at night, I might not need to do that so much.

The main unnecessary/frustrating drain on my time (besides being tired and as a result doing everything slowly) is being disorganized. Far too much time is wasted digging through the clean laundry basket looking for matching socks, looking for my mislaid keys, trying to find a certain spice in the cabinet, looking for my hairbrush, trying to fit too many clothes in overstuffed drawers, moving piles of clutter from one place to another, etc. That's the sort of thing that really makes me frustrated with myself. I truly hate living that way.

I want to streamline things by having fewer material things (we have far too many clothes, toys, and other "stuff" in the house), less clutter, fewer activities, more organization and better routines.

We are definitely doing too much, I feel. The kids are showing it too. When they start asking to stay home and have quiet time instead of going somewhere, I really know we're not home enough. DH and I are looking at ways to better organize our time and figuring out what things we can cut out. Prioritizing is a challenge sometimes.

I think part of it is that I just didn't realize how much extra time and energy adding another baby at this point would take, and I overcommitted to things--some of which I can't get out of at this point, at least until summer.

My friend JT was really smart--she made sure she didn't have any commitments or things she had to do during the day for the first few months after having her baby. I'm really wishing I'd done that so I wouldn't be burning out at this point. It's so much harder to cut things out after the fact than not add them in the first place. :)

I wrote down everything I did today, and I've done that in the past, but I end up spending so much time just writing down what I'm doing that it adds up to a bigger chunk of time than I spend doing things like e-mail. :)

There wasn't as much wasted time not "working" (doing things like relaxing, blogging and other random activities that don't involve childcare, planned events or household tasks) as I had expected--about 2 hours total, maybe 3, over a day and a half. I think that's fairly typical for me. Probably some days it's more, some less. Occasionally it's a lot more.

I plan to keep a record for several days, perhaps as long as two weeks, to get a more accurate idea of how I'm spending my time. I do see a couple of things in my schedule that I could change already. I know I need to get up earlier and go to bed earlier if possible.

Being so tired has a big effect in that I will sit down and then procrastinate on something I need to get done before I can go to bed. That's the time I unnecessarily burn at the computer or wherever. My downfall is when I sit down and I really want to go to bed, but have something I think I should do first. So I sit and do pretty much nothing for too long. I'm learning it would be better just to go to bed if I can (of course, that's very much dependent on the baby). It makes more sense to leave whatever it is undone until the next day than to lose an extra hour of sleep procrastinating.

One thing I am pretty sure of is that I'm better at time management and at life in general now than I have been in the past. Progress is good. :)

Well, I wrote this while feeding Baby E and now she's asleep again, so I'm going to bed. It's 1 a.m. already.

I'll close with a great paragraph from a friend's e-mail today (I hope she won't mind my sharing it):

"I love you just the way you are and I know God does, too. We are like little children in His eyes and it never hurts to look over the past and evaluate whether we've become more like Christ. If we're always growing in Him, what else matters?"

That's what I need to remember, and where I need to put my focus.