Treading Water
DH's dad didn't seem to be in as much pain today. He slept a lot, thanks to whatever drugs they were giving him. DH, his brother who is a doctor, another brother, and a sister were all there along with DH's mom today as they explained and discussed FIL's condition and prognosis.
We will know a lot more after the bone marrow biopsy, but it seems there is more likelihood than DH and I had originally feared that he will have some period of time being able to live a relatively normal life again after this acute infection is resolved.
I'm busy trying to get ready for the big family gathering scheduled for our house on Saturday.
We'll have people staying with us in addition to the party and meals that the large crowd will be here for. Of course, I'll need to cook most everything from scratch in order to keep things safe for Baby E. I'm glad SIL will be here to help with some of the meal preparation, and some of the family are bringing carefully-planned Baby-E-safe items to contribute.
We love hosting these kinds of things, and I'm glad we're having it here. But I am a bit worried about the state of the house.
############
I was hoping to be able to get a friend or two to come over and help me find the floors so I can at least vaccuum the carpets and clear off the dining room table so we can use it. But, in addition to other complications, the kids and I are all sick. Nobody is going to want to expose themselves to an illness the week before Christmas, you know?
I've purchased lots of plastic storage bins to shovel clutter into. Some of it's getting sorted now; others will be packed away in the garage to be sorted through later.
Over the last several days I've managed to sort and pack all my fabric yardage into bins; 9 of them. Who am I kidding? I'm never going to actually be able to sew up all this fabric. I don't have the time or energy for sewing.
The house hasn't gotten much attention in the last year or so. These days I'm lucky if I get a shower once every few days, much less clean the house. Many rooms in the house we can't walk through in a straight line. What little I have done has been a challenge since my allergies have recently gotten to the point where any exposure to dust or mold makes me promptly miserable.
Meals and kids have had to take priority, of course. With Baby E's allergies, meal preparation becomes a feat in itself. Researching what Baby E can have or what might have caused her last reaction, dealing with doctors, etc. is a full-time job in itself--even without taking into account that actually caring for Baby E requires so much time and energy when she's having a bad week or month. Some days I literally have to finally let her scream and scream in her crib for a while so I can play a game with or read to the older girls for a few minutes or throw together a quick meal.
I've let relationships fall by the wayside to a large degree, and I'm feeling the effects of that. I've even missed more church services than I've attended in the past year because of Baby E's and my own health issues. Church is the one thing I would almost always manage to get out of the house for in the past, but being sick or having a baby in the middle of a screaming spell makes it rather impossible. It's also difficult to make phone calls with a baby fussing or screaming nearby.
I'm often hesitant to talk to people because I'm afraid they'll ask how we're doing, and I don't want to complain or be a downer. Of course I usually just say we're fine, thank you, and how are you?
I've rarely left the house--especially with all the kids--in the past year and a half since Baby E was born. It's just too hard to take Baby E places with her extreme sensitivity to allergies and the frequency of her illnesses/allergic reactions.
The older kids are suffering the effects of the stress and the amount of time and energy it takes to deal with Baby E's needs and the extra meal-preparation work.
We haven't done much of anything about homeschooling for months. The older girls entertain themselves much of the time. I'm there if they need me, and I make sure they're fed and dressed, but I'm not doing well at meeting their needs for attention, schooling, etc. Not to mention trying to have energy left at the end of the day to interact adequately with DH.
But I can't blame it all on Baby E. I wasn't doing that well at managing life even before she was born, and she does have her good days when I could manage to do a lot better than I do. No, it's not her fault. It's me.
I turn 30 on Friday. Honestly, I am a complete failure in most areas of life right now.
I feel a little like I'm drowning.
We will know a lot more after the bone marrow biopsy, but it seems there is more likelihood than DH and I had originally feared that he will have some period of time being able to live a relatively normal life again after this acute infection is resolved.
I'm busy trying to get ready for the big family gathering scheduled for our house on Saturday.
We'll have people staying with us in addition to the party and meals that the large crowd will be here for. Of course, I'll need to cook most everything from scratch in order to keep things safe for Baby E. I'm glad SIL will be here to help with some of the meal preparation, and some of the family are bringing carefully-planned Baby-E-safe items to contribute.
We love hosting these kinds of things, and I'm glad we're having it here. But I am a bit worried about the state of the house.
############
I was hoping to be able to get a friend or two to come over and help me find the floors so I can at least vaccuum the carpets and clear off the dining room table so we can use it. But, in addition to other complications, the kids and I are all sick. Nobody is going to want to expose themselves to an illness the week before Christmas, you know?
I've purchased lots of plastic storage bins to shovel clutter into. Some of it's getting sorted now; others will be packed away in the garage to be sorted through later.
Over the last several days I've managed to sort and pack all my fabric yardage into bins; 9 of them. Who am I kidding? I'm never going to actually be able to sew up all this fabric. I don't have the time or energy for sewing.
The house hasn't gotten much attention in the last year or so. These days I'm lucky if I get a shower once every few days, much less clean the house. Many rooms in the house we can't walk through in a straight line. What little I have done has been a challenge since my allergies have recently gotten to the point where any exposure to dust or mold makes me promptly miserable.
Meals and kids have had to take priority, of course. With Baby E's allergies, meal preparation becomes a feat in itself. Researching what Baby E can have or what might have caused her last reaction, dealing with doctors, etc. is a full-time job in itself--even without taking into account that actually caring for Baby E requires so much time and energy when she's having a bad week or month. Some days I literally have to finally let her scream and scream in her crib for a while so I can play a game with or read to the older girls for a few minutes or throw together a quick meal.
I've let relationships fall by the wayside to a large degree, and I'm feeling the effects of that. I've even missed more church services than I've attended in the past year because of Baby E's and my own health issues. Church is the one thing I would almost always manage to get out of the house for in the past, but being sick or having a baby in the middle of a screaming spell makes it rather impossible. It's also difficult to make phone calls with a baby fussing or screaming nearby.
I'm often hesitant to talk to people because I'm afraid they'll ask how we're doing, and I don't want to complain or be a downer. Of course I usually just say we're fine, thank you, and how are you?
I've rarely left the house--especially with all the kids--in the past year and a half since Baby E was born. It's just too hard to take Baby E places with her extreme sensitivity to allergies and the frequency of her illnesses/allergic reactions.
The older kids are suffering the effects of the stress and the amount of time and energy it takes to deal with Baby E's needs and the extra meal-preparation work.
We haven't done much of anything about homeschooling for months. The older girls entertain themselves much of the time. I'm there if they need me, and I make sure they're fed and dressed, but I'm not doing well at meeting their needs for attention, schooling, etc. Not to mention trying to have energy left at the end of the day to interact adequately with DH.
But I can't blame it all on Baby E. I wasn't doing that well at managing life even before she was born, and she does have her good days when I could manage to do a lot better than I do. No, it's not her fault. It's me.
I turn 30 on Friday. Honestly, I am a complete failure in most areas of life right now.
I feel a little like I'm drowning.
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Posted by purple_kangaroo at 11:59 PM[Permanent link]
11 Comments:
P_K, sweetie. I'm sending you an email.
Big hugs.
You're not a failure. You just aren't Superwoman. No one in the world could deal with all you're dealing with AND have a clean house AND homeschool the kids.
Absolutely, what Liz said. You're having to detect Baby E's medical mysteries; cook meals from very few ingredients for yourself and Baby E, and separate meals for the rest of your family; you've even made your own non-allergenic soap, for goodness' sake! You have done a TON this year. Of course it has taken time that you ordinarily would have spent in other areas.
What they both said. You've been more successful than most of us could even dream of being. But no one -- not even you -- can juggle that many balls at once without dropping a few.
PK, You've done more than I would have ever been able to do. You have an understanding husband and obviously great kids. You love your family and they love you. Call your friends and ask them to come, the fact that your family is sick should elicite more help than if you were all well! Your self worth is not found in how clean your home is. Good thing too because I'm not the best house keeper. Focus on Phil. 4:8 and only "think on these things" Your tired, and constantly pour out yourselves to others, without recharging your own batteries. Get a baby sitter and grab your Bible and go somewhere nice and quiet, or take a nap. Your doing a great job, and this is just a passing season of life. Maybe after the holidays you could look into having a cleaning lady come and help out with the bathrooms or floors; I'd love one, but that's just because I'm lazy. :) You're definately nor lazy, your focus just needs to be elsewhere.
hugs, A in PA
You're definitely not a failure. And you should definitely talk to your friends about how things are doing, even if it seems like a downer. People will understand, especially if you're then able to ask and sincerely care about the answer to how they're doing.
PK I totally understand how you feel I get that way myself. I never have time for anything and what time I am not working I am dealing with the kids or trying to help them with things. Any day that I get off of work is spent with usually bare minimum of 2 appts but I have done 6 in one day! I know when I was home it wasn't much better there is always just to much other things that have to get done but with a child and yourself not being well it makes things much harder. Don't ever feel like a failure right now taking care of you kids and being with the ones who need you most is what is most important.
As in focusing on your kids, not your house. They're more in important. Just thought I'd clarify myself.
A in PA
Oh....sweet PK - I'm sorry that you're feeling this way...
It's the frustrated perfectionist thing, trust me. I know you like to do things well - and guess what, for the vast majority of the part, you do them EXCEEDINGLY well! But when life takes us out of our control and comfort zones, and make it so that not everything can be perfect - well, then we feel like we're failures at EVERYTHING. Funny how that works, eh? I know b/c I'm going thru it right now too, for completely different reasons.
But like phantom scribbler said - you can't juggle all of it without dropping some of it. And that's ok. That's what we're here for...
(hugs)
Wish we lived closer!
Tears are smarting in my eyes from this post. Your sense of hopelessness (if even for a moment) is palpable. It is understandable that you would feel this way. No person (or family) is an island. It is hard to take an almost continual battering of crisis after crisis without feeling immense strain. You have also had to be hyper-vigilant - which wears on a person's mental and emotional fabric. You poor thing!!
Hang in there! Be proud of what you've accomplished (which is a lot). Try not to let tasks in the outer-limits of daily survival pester you. At this point, it can't be helped. It is amazing, though, what a cluttered and dirty home does to one's emotional well-being. I've never been extremely neat, but have felt that strain since having a child. Despair nests and grows with the clutter. The annoyance is probably tripled for you!
You should let your church know about your current struggles in a specific and directed plea for help: they could send volunteers over a couple of times a week to assist you in household maintenance - cleaning, pick-up, organizing. That is what a church family is for -- to help others in times of need and struggle. I'm sure there are people who would be glad to help, if only they knew what to do.
Take heart, PK - this can't last forever! You've got a lot of people thinking of you and praying for your family.
You are not, NOT, a failure.
I second the church help idea. Surely someone close by can offer you some assistance wiht the things you don't need to do yourself (I can see why you wouldn't want other people cooking, for instance).
I couldn't do what you've done.
Thank you all, each one of you. I've read and reread your comments, but I just don't have the energy to write individual replies right now.
Thank you for your kind words, suggestions and encouragement.
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