Spring Flooding

These last few weeks I've been struggling more with PTSD symptoms,  and also randomly getting blindsided with waves of grief,  or feeling unusually on-edge and uneasy. There have been some things that have triggered some of this recently,  but often I can't figure out why I'm struggling with so many hard emotions.

Today it dawned on me that this same thing happened around this time of year last year,  and the year before.

Three years ago at this time of year, I was trying to appear normal and keep everything as peaceful as possible, trying not to rock the boat while secretly walking around in a constant state of grief, terror, shock and uncertainty as I was praying, struggling, seeking help and advice, trying to make a decision, and preparing to do the hardest and scariest thing of my life while trying everything possible to avoid it.

Smiling through terror and tears,  going through the motions of daily life while feeling shattered inside. Proceeding along interacting and doing all the normal things,  while drowning in a tornado.  Just trying to survive the next moment, smile,  listen, respond somehow,  take the next step,  do the next thing, don't let on that anything is wrong,  don't poke the bear, pretend to be normal, don't show fear or anger, don't get anyone upset, don't tip the hand, try to smile, speak in a carefully controlled voice, try not to react or engage too much, don't let on.

Survive. Stay calm. Smile. Pretend everything is okay.

But it's not okay. Everything is broken.

But I had to smile, and do the next thing, and pretend to be fine.

I wasn't fine. Nothing was fine.

So I guess I'm processing some of those emotions now.