Discrimination and Representation in the Momosphere
Andrea at A Garden of Nna Mmoy has been talking about discrimination in the "mommy blogging" world.
She believes that blogs by parents of children with highly visible special needs get less traffic than blogs by parents of "normal" children.
I think there is some truth to what she is saying about people shying away from things that make them uncomfortable--and certain disabilities or health issues making people more uncomfortable than others.
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Baby E's issues are pretty mild on the discomfort factor, I think. She looks and acts the way most children do most of the time. A child who had a very atypical-looking face, though, might be harder for some people in the general population to connect with.
It shouldn't make a difference, but for some people it probably does.
Even with our relatively mild issues I know that this blog has been more dark and intense lately. Some people have found it too intense to continue reading.
It doesn't offend me if people find my blog too painful and intense right now. Even I find it so sometimes. I'm not going to change what I'm writing for the sake of peoples' comfort levels, although I do wonder if I should try to make it less monotonous and more upbeat. But the intensity is honest, and for that reason I think it's important not to try to dilute it too much. Our life is intense right now, and that's the truth of it.
Though some people may be driven away by such intensity, other people may be drawn to a blog by that same intensity.
Moreena's blog is always on my short list. Even if I only have time to hit a few blogs, I always click through to hers with my heart in my throat, hoping Annika is okay.
My need to check on her and make sure she hasn't taken a turn for the worse makes me read that blog more often than I read others--precisely because of the uncertainty in Annika's life and the heartwrenching way Moreena writes about it.
Yes, it's often painful. But because of the way Moreena writes about that pain, and because organ transplant happens to be an issue close to home for me (my mother is a kidney transplant recipient), Moreena's family has entwined itself in my heart.
However, I think there's a slightly different element at play when people avoid a blog because they're uncomfortable reading about a child that looks and/or acts significantly different because of a disability or medical condition.
What if, for instance, people would find a blog by a parent of a child with Cerebral Palsy uninteresting or uncomfortable simply because the child has CP, regardless of the other topics covered, the style of writing, etc? If people shy away from it because being confronted with a condition like CP makes them uncomfortable? That would seem to be a problem.
I do understand that particular issues and situations are more uncomfortable and less engaging to some people than others. To some extent that's okay, I think. It's natural to be uncomfortable with anything that's unfamiliar.
On the other hand, if people respond to anything uncomfortable by avoiding it instead of leaving themselves open to learn about and engage with it, then that's a problem.
Being uncomfortable in itself (especially initially) isn't necessarily bad. But if they consistently respond by refusing to interact with anything uncomfortable, that becomes a matter for concern. Maybe not in any one particular instance--but any time a tendency to respond to differences with avoidance becomes a ruling force for someone's behavior in general, it does become a problem.
When society as a whole (or even any significant chunk of society) behaves that way, then it really becomes serious. That's when we end up with horrible results like a group of people who want to institutionalize or segregate anyone who is different in order to avoid having to interact with them.
It seems that it would be valuable to look at why people might be uncomfortable with an avoid differences, and how to change that.
To some extent, I think familiarity is key. People need to be exposed to the things that make them uncomfortable, see others treat them as normal, and see positive interactions modeled. I think in most cases people don't intend to respond by withdrawing; they simply haven't yet been exposed to these differences enough to become comfortable with them.
I work to teach my kids to have matter-of-fact attitudes and comfortable interactions with people like a little boy we know with cerebral palsy, a friend with Downs Syndrome, and a man at our church with no legs. I am comfortable around them myself and provide opportunities for my kids to learn to be comfortable around them, too.
I'd like to do more things like take the kids to visit nursing homes and other places where they'll come in contact with people who are different and maybe even difficult to be around.
When I was a kid we visited my great-grandmother in a nursing home every week, and would pop in and say hi to a few of the other residents too. On occasion we did other things like that.
Once we visited a home for special-needs kids and made cards for them. I remember the boy who was the recipient of mine had Down's Syndrome, and his exuberant reception of my card was a little overwhelming and uncomfortable, but at the same time very wonderful. I must have been about 9.
I wonder if there would be a way to help create familiarity and understanding in the blogging world. Sort of like having a gathering in your home that includes people from various groups--just because they are all friends of yours, but with the side benefit of allowing people who may not have been in the same room with a different type of person to begin to develop some familiarity and comfort with them, partially through seeing how you and others interact with them.
For example, what if a number of bloggers made it a point to occasionally post about and highlight the blog of someone dealing with a more unusual issue? Do you think that could be done in a sensitive and effective way?
It seems that just simple things like that could make a difference.
Reading a well-written story on a blog about how the author had a playdate with a friend who has a particular condition would be a very natural and normal way for that blog's regular readers to get a gentle and matter-of-fact introduction to that person and condition. It could help readers of that blog to see the person with the condition as a person and not as their condition.
Even reading that a blogger you are familiar with reads and enjoys a blog by someone who is dealing with an unfamiliar situation would help to normalize that difference, I think. Just reading about someone else's life can be invaluable in learning to step out of your own shoes and understand someone else's.
Andrea also suggested highlighting bloggers from marginalized groups or using a guest blogger type of feature to help those bloggers gain a wider audience.
There's a forum set up at thewholemom.com to discuss the issue of representativeness in the momosphere. Andrea asks, "What things can mom bloggers do to ensure that a mom from any demographic group has an equal shot of getting into the A-list, assuming they want to?"
Feel free to jump into the conversation. It should be interesting.
She believes that blogs by parents of children with highly visible special needs get less traffic than blogs by parents of "normal" children.
I think there is some truth to what she is saying about people shying away from things that make them uncomfortable--and certain disabilities or health issues making people more uncomfortable than others.
#######################
Baby E's issues are pretty mild on the discomfort factor, I think. She looks and acts the way most children do most of the time. A child who had a very atypical-looking face, though, might be harder for some people in the general population to connect with.
It shouldn't make a difference, but for some people it probably does.
Even with our relatively mild issues I know that this blog has been more dark and intense lately. Some people have found it too intense to continue reading.
It doesn't offend me if people find my blog too painful and intense right now. Even I find it so sometimes. I'm not going to change what I'm writing for the sake of peoples' comfort levels, although I do wonder if I should try to make it less monotonous and more upbeat. But the intensity is honest, and for that reason I think it's important not to try to dilute it too much. Our life is intense right now, and that's the truth of it.
Though some people may be driven away by such intensity, other people may be drawn to a blog by that same intensity.
Moreena's blog is always on my short list. Even if I only have time to hit a few blogs, I always click through to hers with my heart in my throat, hoping Annika is okay.
My need to check on her and make sure she hasn't taken a turn for the worse makes me read that blog more often than I read others--precisely because of the uncertainty in Annika's life and the heartwrenching way Moreena writes about it.
Yes, it's often painful. But because of the way Moreena writes about that pain, and because organ transplant happens to be an issue close to home for me (my mother is a kidney transplant recipient), Moreena's family has entwined itself in my heart.
However, I think there's a slightly different element at play when people avoid a blog because they're uncomfortable reading about a child that looks and/or acts significantly different because of a disability or medical condition.
What if, for instance, people would find a blog by a parent of a child with Cerebral Palsy uninteresting or uncomfortable simply because the child has CP, regardless of the other topics covered, the style of writing, etc? If people shy away from it because being confronted with a condition like CP makes them uncomfortable? That would seem to be a problem.
I do understand that particular issues and situations are more uncomfortable and less engaging to some people than others. To some extent that's okay, I think. It's natural to be uncomfortable with anything that's unfamiliar.
On the other hand, if people respond to anything uncomfortable by avoiding it instead of leaving themselves open to learn about and engage with it, then that's a problem.
Being uncomfortable in itself (especially initially) isn't necessarily bad. But if they consistently respond by refusing to interact with anything uncomfortable, that becomes a matter for concern. Maybe not in any one particular instance--but any time a tendency to respond to differences with avoidance becomes a ruling force for someone's behavior in general, it does become a problem.
When society as a whole (or even any significant chunk of society) behaves that way, then it really becomes serious. That's when we end up with horrible results like a group of people who want to institutionalize or segregate anyone who is different in order to avoid having to interact with them.
It seems that it would be valuable to look at why people might be uncomfortable with an avoid differences, and how to change that.
To some extent, I think familiarity is key. People need to be exposed to the things that make them uncomfortable, see others treat them as normal, and see positive interactions modeled. I think in most cases people don't intend to respond by withdrawing; they simply haven't yet been exposed to these differences enough to become comfortable with them.
I work to teach my kids to have matter-of-fact attitudes and comfortable interactions with people like a little boy we know with cerebral palsy, a friend with Downs Syndrome, and a man at our church with no legs. I am comfortable around them myself and provide opportunities for my kids to learn to be comfortable around them, too.
I'd like to do more things like take the kids to visit nursing homes and other places where they'll come in contact with people who are different and maybe even difficult to be around.
When I was a kid we visited my great-grandmother in a nursing home every week, and would pop in and say hi to a few of the other residents too. On occasion we did other things like that.
Once we visited a home for special-needs kids and made cards for them. I remember the boy who was the recipient of mine had Down's Syndrome, and his exuberant reception of my card was a little overwhelming and uncomfortable, but at the same time very wonderful. I must have been about 9.
I wonder if there would be a way to help create familiarity and understanding in the blogging world. Sort of like having a gathering in your home that includes people from various groups--just because they are all friends of yours, but with the side benefit of allowing people who may not have been in the same room with a different type of person to begin to develop some familiarity and comfort with them, partially through seeing how you and others interact with them.
For example, what if a number of bloggers made it a point to occasionally post about and highlight the blog of someone dealing with a more unusual issue? Do you think that could be done in a sensitive and effective way?
It seems that just simple things like that could make a difference.
Reading a well-written story on a blog about how the author had a playdate with a friend who has a particular condition would be a very natural and normal way for that blog's regular readers to get a gentle and matter-of-fact introduction to that person and condition. It could help readers of that blog to see the person with the condition as a person and not as their condition.
Even reading that a blogger you are familiar with reads and enjoys a blog by someone who is dealing with an unfamiliar situation would help to normalize that difference, I think. Just reading about someone else's life can be invaluable in learning to step out of your own shoes and understand someone else's.
Andrea also suggested highlighting bloggers from marginalized groups or using a guest blogger type of feature to help those bloggers gain a wider audience.
There's a forum set up at thewholemom.com to discuss the issue of representativeness in the momosphere. Andrea asks, "What things can mom bloggers do to ensure that a mom from any demographic group has an equal shot of getting into the A-list, assuming they want to?"
Feel free to jump into the conversation. It should be interesting.
Copyright 2009. All rights reserved.
Posted by purple_kangaroo at 11:54 AM[Permanent link]
6 Comments:
Thank you for this thoughtful post. My children 'look' o.k. until they move or speak, which puts us in a more 'comfortable' position than many. I'm getting used to uncomfortable.
Best wishes
Thanks for taking the time to comment on my blog.
This is an interesting topic and one that I've not given any thought to before.
Do blogs by parents of children with highly visible special needs get less traffic than blogs by parents of "normal" children?
Most probably, yes. Out there in the non-blogging world, other people are more relaxed and friendly and open to meeting new people if they have a "normal" looking child than one with highly visible special needs. So there's no reason to assume the blogosphere would be any different.
However, there are other factors.
As you know from the post you commented on, my daughter has Down's Syndrome, but I would find it odd to think that people would avoid my blog because of it.
But then my blog isn't primarily about DS - it's about my life. DS is a part of that, but not the dominant part. Far more time is taken up with the act of just being a parent than it is with DS issues. Consequently it gets mentioned sometimes, as and when it's relevant, but mostly it isn't.
Some of my readers are other parents of children with DS, and sometimes we compare notes and share stories, but the majority of my readers (or commenters, anyway) are not. I've not noticed a drop in comments on posts where my daughter's DS is mentioned.
I think primarily blogs are visited because of a combination of factors - one is how relevant they are to your life, another is how entertaining they are, and another is quite simply how much time you've got.
I know from my own experience that I don't tend to read so many long posts, quite simply because I have lots of blogs I want to visit and not enough time. But sometimes, like this one, I'm interested enough to work my way through it.
Also, a lot of blogs about children with special needs can be very emotionally intense and sometimes I just don't feel up to coping with it and would rather read a blog that makes me laugh than makes me feel worthy.
But why are any of us writing blogs in the first place? Primarily it is an outlet for our feelings, thoughts and ideas. If we get caught up in trying to write for some audience or another we can quickly lose the essence of what made our blog attractive to other visitors in the first place. I've tried second guessing my audience before and it always fails.
So in the end I write what I want to write and use the blog to help me develop a writing style I'm comfortable with.
This was a great post. Thank you again for commenting on my blog so that I could find my way here to read it :)
Mcewen, thanks for stopping by and commenting. I checked out your blog and enjoyed reading about your kids.
Kim, you made some very good points. Thanks for the insightful comments.
I don't skip a blog for that reason. Blogs are often like people--some have a certain cache that just attract people. I've tried to figure out a pattern, but don't see it. I'll notice a blog entry that has 20-30 comments, I'll read it, and am baffled. Then others I read are outstanding, but have almost no comments.
Parents of young children are often looking for affirmation or information, and its possible that a special needs blog doesn't meet that need. What I think is wonderful is the small helping communities that develop around specific needs, hobbies, skills, losses and careers.
"Do blogs by parents of children with highly visible special needs get less traffic than blogs by parents of "normal" children?"
To get a truly scientific answer, someone would have to devise a ranking system that controlled for all other factors - writing skill, writing style, length of posts, number of comments, advertising on blog, other characteristics of blog (where author lives, whether what other topics they blog on, blog design and background), age of children, photographic skills and quality . . .
Then you have to look at the number of parent blogs with typical children vs. number of parent blogs with special needs children, devise a bright line cutoff - does dyslexia, for instance, put one in the "special needs" category or not?
And so on.
On the other hand, there is Tolstoy's "Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way." Substitute "typical children" and "special needs" children" and you have an interesting thought.
I don't read a lot of parent blogs of typical children unless the writer has unusually engaging skill and/or style, like Lileks. He describes his daughter's development and activities in excruciating detail, but I like his style so I read it.
I am much more likely to read and continue reading a blog about a special needs child because I am intensely fascinated by each individual case, and in how families cope and manage, and on the off chance that I might be able to help with something.
I will also say that from my personal experience, my husband and I were very involved in support groups and parent meetings when our son was small, before he entered school. I helped run a parent group with two other women whose sons were my son's age. There were very few parents of older children in most of the groups, and what happened in our case was once the kids got into school, by kindergarten or first grade, the issues we were all facing started changing and becoming much more differentiated and individual. In our metro area there are at least ten major school districts, and every one of them approaches disabilities differently, so there just wasn't as much we could do for each other. The group continued, but the founding members all drifted away. I would visit once in a while, and it was almost always populated by parents of newly diagnosed and younger children.
I think I see the same thing in the blogs - I see a lot of blogs about younger children, not as many about the older ones - the parents are just too busy.
There are so many reasons one might read, or not read, a blog. It's always easy to see where we or our children are being slighted, but you know what? I'm not all that interested in the thoughts or activities of shallow people.
Norma and Teri, thanks for your comments. Norma, you made a good point that people might be looking for information or support that pertains to their own lives.
Teri, I've noticed that in my own reading. My blogroll doesn't necessarily give a true indication of what I'm actually reading. The blogs I read most regularly are for the most part the ones where a lot of drama--either with health issues, special needs, loss, or whatever esle--is going on. They're often the most interesting.
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