Lessons of the Day

Things I have learned so far today:

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• The day you particularly need to run an errand will be the day it takes 5 hours to get the kids dressed and ready for the day.



• A certain 4-year-old knows how to get a cube of very expensive Kosher-for-Passover margarine out of the refrigerator, unwrap it, put it on a dirty and dairy-contaminated butter dish, and smear it a quarter of an inch thick on bread she toasted herself.



• When a preschooler drops a cereal bowl on your toe, she apologizes when you dance around yelling "ow, ow, ow!".



• When a toddler pinches your arm with all her might, yelping "ouch" only makes her giggle.



• My nearly-20-month-old knows how climb on chairs and other things to help herself to markers, breakfast cereal and anything else less than 3 or 4 feet off the floor.



• A just-turned-6-year-old thinks locking the 4-year-old into Mommy's bedroom is an appropriate response when the 4-year-old is in there playing with the lamp and other things on the bedside table instead of getting dressed as she was told.



• Any or all of the above items take less than a minute of Mommy's distracted attention to accomplish.



• The Oil Cleansing Method does not work well on hair. Unless you like the wet-even-when-dry, stringy, greasy look. Very stylish, I'm sure.



• Oil in your hair ends up on your clothes.



• If you smear oil on your face and then rub it with a hog-bristle brush and hot water, you get a red, raw face. And smell like a wet animal, too.



• Sugar ants don't mind baking soda, even if it's spilled widely across the floor.



• "No" and "mine" are a toddler's favorite words.



• A pair of footie pajamas soaked in spilled black cherry juice and laid across a pile of clean laundry is sure to be wet side down on top of a nice white blouse.



• When you remove the now-purple pajamas and formerly white shirt, a preschooler is likely to replace them within 2 minutes with a sunflower-butter smeared shirt. The sunflower butter will also transfer to the clean clothes beneath.



• The laundry tray in this house is not equipped with an overflow vent.



• When it overflows, it cascades over all sides of the sink equally, flowing into the cupboard, across the floor and under the washing machine.



• The upslanting metal strip separating the laundry room linoleum from the hallway carpet does not impede the flow of water.



• Kids, like animals, can sense weakness or distracted attention a mile away and know how to take advantage of it.



• A screaming toddler might eventually fall asleep when a 2-minute time-out in the crib (for defiant running the opposite direction when told "no" or "come here") turns into a much longer than intended time-out while Mommy mops up water. Or she may not.



• But if she does fall asleep, an older child is sure to make a very loud noise shortly thereafter and wake her up. Even if said older child is supposed to be having quiet time.



• Back or shoulder pain is a guarantee that one or more children will require more holding, lifting, and being wrestled with than normal.



• The level of Mommy's tiredness is inversely related to the length of a toddler's nap.



• The time when you have the least patience and energy is the time when you need the most patience and energy.



• The time when you most want to NOT cook dinner is sure to coincide perfectly with the time you've run out of previously cooked meals in the freezer. Especially when there is no take-out restaurant that has a single thing your family can eat.