English

"Will my teacher speak English?" Ebee wondered on her way to her first swimming lesson.

"I hope he doesn't speak English, because I don't know very much English. All I know how to say in English is gracias and adios."

How Children Learn Manners

[Cross-posted on Embracing the Risk]

This article has some interesting food for thought.

I remember hearing, quite some time ago, that the best way to teach children to allow others to go first is not by forcing them to let everyone else go first all the time, but by seeing others model the "after you" attitude. I think of our family gatherings . . . The youngest children are almost always served first, followed by the oldest people in the gathering (i.e. grandma).

It seems that as the children grow older, they naturally gravitate from being the one stepped aside for, to stepping aside for others. (Sometimes, though, they do get some reminders or encouragement.)

The thought about it not being polite to tell others what to say has me thinking. I do think that, as parents, it is our job to coach our children and instruct them. But I do also think that kids naturally tend to reflect the tones and attitudes that are used toward them, and this is definitely something worth being aware of.

Right now we're dealing with the issue of our kids correcting others or telling them what to do a lot. I realized last night that when one of my kids is rude and judgmental toward someone, my responding in a rude and judgmental tone is not exactly helpful. So, I've been working on my response to this.

If I respond by saying something like, "[Child's first and middle name], that is NOT the way you talk to someone! How rude!" then I'm really modeling exactly the type of behavior I am trying to correct--harsh, rude and shaming.

Instead, I'm trying to come up with an approach that is instructive while modeling the respectful, polite tones that I want them to learn--something like, "Oops, that didn't come across very politely. Can you think of a kinder way to say that?" And then helping them with some ideas to rephrase it.

I'm also realizing that I need to teach my children not to interrupt and to listen politely when someone else is talking not just by instructing them in those skills. I also need to make a concerted effort to give them my full attention and listen politely without interrupting when they are talking.

What do you all think, and how do/would you approach these kinds of issues?

(More of my thoughts in the first comment.)

Resting and Processing

It's been a very busy few weeks. First, SIL The Mentor and her husband, Science Teacher BIL, and Sweet and Energetic SIL came and spent 4 days helping us do a "total home makeover"--decluttering, organizing, moving furniture, and even doing some painting and redecorating.

Then FIL passed away. All 12 of his children were able to come into town, from as far as Africa and the Middle East. We had a lovely memorial service and lots of family time.

Now we're all tired. But doing OK.

We're also still trying to figure out how to best manage AJ's challenges. We did have an appointment with a child psychiatrist. He interviewed all of us together and then her alone, and put her through some evaluations.

A lot of what he told us after that, we were nodding our heads and saying, "Yep, no surprise there. We could have told you that."

He noted, among other things, that she has an "inflexible mind", has difficulty dealing with transitions and things being different from the way she thinks they should be, and that she has a "low frustration tolerance" and tends to respond outwardly rather than inwardly when frustrated. She's definitely a worrier and tends to get "stuck" on certain ideas or topics, as we've noticed.

He did feel that her high need for alone/quiet time and her tendency to need more breaks/space in social interactions are "a comfort choice" rather than a lack of ability. So that was good to know. She definitely has no problems with her intelligence or attention span. :)

The psychiatrist did not feel that AJ was on the Asperger's spectrum, as has been suggested to us quite a few times in the past. But he did say that she was definitely on the OCD spectrum, and would be a good candidate for medication.

However, he was supportive of our desire to try other things first and only resort to medication if it's really necessary. He recommended that we see a particular therapist who is experienced at dealing with this sort of thing to get some extra tools, and also continue doing the play therapy and increasing the structure and predictability of our environment at home.

I'm not exactly sure what "on the OCD spectrum" means. When I researched the term "OCD spectrum", I found that it encompasses a HUGE range of issues, including everything from autism to eating disorders.

I think it could mean that he didn't feel a firm diagnosis was necessary or appropriate for AJ's age and situation, but that he wanted to give it enough of a label to give us some direction in pursuing resources and solutions that would be the most effective for AJ's particular quirks.

I do think that most people have some level of OCD or other quirks in their personality. If we didn't have some OCD tendencies, there wouldn't be so many of us that find Monk amusing. :)

It's really not something to worry too much about unless it's significantly impacting a person's ability to function in and/or enjoy life. AJ's functionality and enjoyment of life is impacted at some times more than others, but overall it had gotten significant enough that it was appropriate to seek some information that might help us parent her better, and some help learning tools to manage it.

For AJ, we're hoping to gain some helpful tools for teaching both her and us how to help her brain get "un-stuck" when needed, and how to cope with it to minimize the extreme frustration and discouragement she often feels.

My sister Sparrow has struggled with OCD that was definitely at the point where it was having a huge negative impact on her daily life and relationships, and medication is one of the things that has been very helpful for her. So it's something we would consider in the future if necessary. But I'm not anticipating that happening any time soon, if ever, since the other things we've been trying seem to be working fairly well so far.