Attitude Again

I should clarify that I didn't mean in my last post that it was never appropriate to give a child consequences for something like not staying in bed, even if their motives are not bad. I definitely think consequences can be useful, depending on the situation.

A carefully-selected consequence may even help to deal with a root issue. For instance, children who can't be quiet sharing a room could be separated, which would be both a logical consequence and a possible solution to the underlying problem of keeping each other awake.

I suspect that what many people think of as dealing with attitudes are things I would see as dealing with behavior that is an inappropriate expression of thoughts, feelings or needs. Probably it looks pretty much the same in practice even if we would describe it differently. :)

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DH and I will talk with the kids about feelings or attitudes and try to work through them, and we definitely see them as important and try to influence them, but it is the behavior and not the attitude to which we connect any parent-imposed consequences. We want to make sure they know it is the behavior, not the child and their feelings, that we are judging as unacceptable.

This doesn't mean we excuse or allow all kinds of bad behavior. Our kids are not allowed to stomp their feet at us, whine and complain excessively, or call each other names, for example. That is inappropriate behavior. They need to learn more appropriate ways to deal with their feelings.

But I think the heart attitude needs to be dealt with on another level (which could be alongside dealing with the behavior). This could include teaching more appropriate ways to express feelings, addressing the underlying belief or lack of understanding, or helping the child learn how to meet their needs in an appropriate manner. Feelings or attitudes can be like a flag indicating a deeper issue that needs to be dealt with.

Certainly children are not perfect, any more than parents are. Anyone can have bad attitudes, bad motives or even an intent to be hurtful; often stemming out of a root issue such as a misunderstanding or an earlier (real or perceived) injustice or offense, as Kevin mentioned.

But I am learning that interacting with grace, respect and love includes giving people the benefit of the doubt and giving them a chance to respond well if at all possible. Readily assuming bad motivations for the other person's actions or expecting them to respond badly doesn't work very well in a marriage or any other relationship, either. :)

I think Scripture is pretty clear that only God truly understands and is responsible for judging another person's thoughts and the attitudes of their hearts. 1 Cor. 2:11, 1 John 3:20, 1 Thessalonians 2:4, 1 Samuel 16:7, 1 Chronicles 28:9, Psalm 44:21, Revelation 2:23, and 2 Chronicles 6:30 are just a few of the many verses that deal with this.

For those who are of a more secular mindset, I think most would agree that we aren't mind-readers. :)

It was the realization that I was judging my kids' motives wrongly in the bedtime situation that was so revolutionary for me. That change in perspective is what has made such a difference for our family--not just at bedtime, but in my whole attitude toward parenting and my relationship with my kids. It was a small thing that turned into a watershed moment for me, but it's hard to fully describe to anyone else without sounding silly.

I think that when DH and I are able to approach our kids' issues from a grace-filled perspective of looking for solutions, trying to deal with root issues, teaching them the skills they need, and assuming the best of their desires and motives as much as possible, it goes a long way toward helping us not to exasperate our children. It can make our parenting, training and even discipline more effective.

Maybe it is not such a challenge for others, but I have struggled with feeling like I was beginning to develop an adversarial relationship with my kids at times. Being able to get past that general perception of them doing things out of motives such as "trying to make my life difficult," "wanting to be hurtful," "having a bad attitude," or "being rebellious and disobedient," or just "being naughty," and focusing instead on problem-solving and helping them learn the tools they need to navigate life successfully in the long-term (rather than just making my life easier in the moment), has been huge for me.

It's similar, I guess, to the advice often given to couples in marriage counseling: to stand side by side and attack the problem together, not face-to-face attacking each other. The child is not the enemy. The goal is not to punish the child or make her feel "bad enough" to pay the price for whatever she did, but to approach the situation with words, actions and possibly consequences that will address the issue constructively.

When I can do that, I am able to be more patient and creative in my parenting. I'm enjoying and appreciating my kids more, and we are all happier.

It's constantly a work in progress, of course. But the change in mindset has been very helpful for me. And not only is our home more peaceful, but the kids' behavior is actually better when I am able to approach parenting with a more grace-filled attitude, too.

Attitude Adjustments

A friend of mine posted a question for discussion about how to handle it when kids have bad attitudes. I have enjoyed reading the various perspectives, and learning from them.

Here's mine:

Personally, I think we can get into dangerous ground when we start judging our children's hearts and attitudes.

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Only God can judge the heart, and it is very easy to misinterpret someone else's thoughts, attitudes and motives. Tones and feelings can easily come across or be interpreted differently by the hearer and the speaker (for example, honest frustration, sadness or intensity being heard as sassy or disrespectful attitudes when they are not).

I have found 1 Corinthians 13:7 convicting when I find myself jumping to assuming bad attitudes and motives on the part of my children. Love assumes the most charitable explanation for motives and actions, not the worst.

There was an interesting study I wish I could find the link to again, where researchers took families (basically healthy families with good relationships) and had them discuss a topic as a family.

Then they took each family member separately and played back a video of the discussion, asking each person what they were thinking and what they thought other family members were thinking or what their attitudes were at various points in the conversation.

A huge percentage of the time, both parents and kids were wrong in their guesses about the others' thinking and motivations, tending to assume they had much more negative or "bad attitude" thoughts going on than they actually did. Ironically, they had a high level of certainty that their own interpretation was correct even when they were actually wrong. Their confidence in their ability to understand and read the others' attitudes and motivations far outreached their ability to do so.

So I think we need to be careful in how we handle this. It's good if we can come from a perspective of instruction and teaching while giving them the benefit of the doubt, rather than judging, shaming or punishing the child for an attitude we may or may not be perceiving correctly. We need to be on the same team and help them gain the tools they need to solve the underlying issues.

For instance, I had to rethink my interpretation when we were having bedtime issues. I finally realized that the kids were having trouble staying in bed and going to sleep because *they weren't sleepy,* not because they were trying to make life difficult for us or they were intentionally misbehaving. Punishment didn't work because it didn't address the underlying need. We just needed to make some adjustments to their routine to create a peaceful attitude and help them settle down and go to sleep more easily.

With other issues related to attitude, often the child simply needs information about how they are coming across and how to adjust their tone and manner to come across in a more appropriate way (which, incidentally, is much more likely to get the result they want).

My mom had a good approach by cheerfully (even sympathetically) saying, "I'm sorry, I can't understand you when you whine." I will do that too, or simply let them know that they sound whiny.

They'll say, "Oh, I didn't realize that; I didn't mean to whine," and retry in a much better tone. If needed I will give them suggestions about things like taking a deep breath and then smiling while they ask in a cheerful tone to help it not come across as whining.

Modeling is so very helpful. Often kids don't realize how their tone and attitude comes across and need to be made aware, and then (especially for younger kids) have us SHOW them how to do it appropriately.

Many parents do this in teaching their kids to say please. When they say, "Gimme some milk!" the parent will reply, "Please may I have some milk?" in a pleasant tone, and the kid will usually make an effort to repeat it that way.

When kids do seem to have a real attitude problem, it is a good reminder for the parents to check their own attitude. I find that often my kids' attitude is a reflection of my own attitude. If I am being grumpy and graceless or not having a kind, respectful attitude in the way I interact they will very quickly pick up on and reflect that.

If I treat my chores as drudgery, I procrastinate, or I don't stay on task with a good work ethic and positive attitude, I cannot be surprised when my kids do the same. If I treat their requests as annoying interruptions and inconveniences, or say "I'll do it in a minute" and then forget, they are likely to do so also.

Taking a deep breath and having a chat to apologize to each other and try to work together to do better, taking a break, coming up with a plan and routine, reading an inspiring and applicable story, using limits and incentives, playing lively "work music" or whatever is needed to regroup and get a fresh start is helpful.

And, of course, there's the HALT list of things to check: are they Hungry, Angry, Lonely (or socially overstimulated and needing alone time, for introverts), Tired. Those factors can be huge in a kid's (or adult's) ability to respond appropriately to a situation.

We may need to have a conversation about how we need to be kind and respectful to each other even when we're grumpy, but the real solution is to get the need taken care of. Learning to recognize the reasons they are feeling grumpy and what to do to fix it (i.e. eat a snack) is an integral life-skill that is very important for our kids to learn.

There can be many reasons for issues that come across as bad attitudes. Kids may need to feel heard, or they need some quality time and focused attention. Or they may be feeling overwhelmed and discouraged with a task and need help understanding it or making it more manageable.

I think it can be counterproductive when we focus on our perception of the child's attitude as bad, rather than focusing on what the problem *causing* the attitude is and how to fix it or teach the tools they need to deal with it.

That attitude issue on the child's part may also be our reminder to check ourselves according to Eph. 6:4 and Col. 3:21 to make sure we are interacting with our children in a way that does not exasperate, embitter or discourage them or make them lose heart.