Attitude Again

I should clarify that I didn't mean in my last post that it was never appropriate to give a child consequences for something like not staying in bed, even if their motives are not bad. I definitely think consequences can be useful, depending on the situation.

A carefully-selected consequence may even help to deal with a root issue. For instance, children who can't be quiet sharing a room could be separated, which would be both a logical consequence and a possible solution to the underlying problem of keeping each other awake.

I suspect that what many people think of as dealing with attitudes are things I would see as dealing with behavior that is an inappropriate expression of thoughts, feelings or needs. Probably it looks pretty much the same in practice even if we would describe it differently. :)

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DH and I will talk with the kids about feelings or attitudes and try to work through them, and we definitely see them as important and try to influence them, but it is the behavior and not the attitude to which we connect any parent-imposed consequences. We want to make sure they know it is the behavior, not the child and their feelings, that we are judging as unacceptable.

This doesn't mean we excuse or allow all kinds of bad behavior. Our kids are not allowed to stomp their feet at us, whine and complain excessively, or call each other names, for example. That is inappropriate behavior. They need to learn more appropriate ways to deal with their feelings.

But I think the heart attitude needs to be dealt with on another level (which could be alongside dealing with the behavior). This could include teaching more appropriate ways to express feelings, addressing the underlying belief or lack of understanding, or helping the child learn how to meet their needs in an appropriate manner. Feelings or attitudes can be like a flag indicating a deeper issue that needs to be dealt with.

Certainly children are not perfect, any more than parents are. Anyone can have bad attitudes, bad motives or even an intent to be hurtful; often stemming out of a root issue such as a misunderstanding or an earlier (real or perceived) injustice or offense, as Kevin mentioned.

But I am learning that interacting with grace, respect and love includes giving people the benefit of the doubt and giving them a chance to respond well if at all possible. Readily assuming bad motivations for the other person's actions or expecting them to respond badly doesn't work very well in a marriage or any other relationship, either. :)

I think Scripture is pretty clear that only God truly understands and is responsible for judging another person's thoughts and the attitudes of their hearts. 1 Cor. 2:11, 1 John 3:20, 1 Thessalonians 2:4, 1 Samuel 16:7, 1 Chronicles 28:9, Psalm 44:21, Revelation 2:23, and 2 Chronicles 6:30 are just a few of the many verses that deal with this.

For those who are of a more secular mindset, I think most would agree that we aren't mind-readers. :)

It was the realization that I was judging my kids' motives wrongly in the bedtime situation that was so revolutionary for me. That change in perspective is what has made such a difference for our family--not just at bedtime, but in my whole attitude toward parenting and my relationship with my kids. It was a small thing that turned into a watershed moment for me, but it's hard to fully describe to anyone else without sounding silly.

I think that when DH and I are able to approach our kids' issues from a grace-filled perspective of looking for solutions, trying to deal with root issues, teaching them the skills they need, and assuming the best of their desires and motives as much as possible, it goes a long way toward helping us not to exasperate our children. It can make our parenting, training and even discipline more effective.

Maybe it is not such a challenge for others, but I have struggled with feeling like I was beginning to develop an adversarial relationship with my kids at times. Being able to get past that general perception of them doing things out of motives such as "trying to make my life difficult," "wanting to be hurtful," "having a bad attitude," or "being rebellious and disobedient," or just "being naughty," and focusing instead on problem-solving and helping them learn the tools they need to navigate life successfully in the long-term (rather than just making my life easier in the moment), has been huge for me.

It's similar, I guess, to the advice often given to couples in marriage counseling: to stand side by side and attack the problem together, not face-to-face attacking each other. The child is not the enemy. The goal is not to punish the child or make her feel "bad enough" to pay the price for whatever she did, but to approach the situation with words, actions and possibly consequences that will address the issue constructively.

When I can do that, I am able to be more patient and creative in my parenting. I'm enjoying and appreciating my kids more, and we are all happier.

It's constantly a work in progress, of course. But the change in mindset has been very helpful for me. And not only is our home more peaceful, but the kids' behavior is actually better when I am able to approach parenting with a more grace-filled attitude, too.