Tips for Selling on the Babywearing Swaps

I used to buy and sell a lot of items, mostly clothing and accessories, in various online and offline venues; and was successful enough at it that I attained eBay Powerseller status, back in the day. :) 

The basic tips for writing a good ad and selling things effectively are pretty much the same no matter what or where you are selling: Provide lots of information, be honest, and include clear, excellent photos and all relevant details about the item. Be responsive to questions and provide good customer service, make sure your descriptions are accurate, and protect yourself by doing things like shipping only to the confirmed PayPal address and keeping screenshots and good records of all ads and interactions.

When listing on the babywearing swaps:

First, read the rules! If a feedback link is required, set one up and have the link ready before posting. If there is a limit on how many pictures you can post, whether you have to list a price, etc.  make sure you understand and meet those requirements.

When selling, don't put in one dark picture and virtually no info. and expect it to actually sell. "I have this wrap, I don't know what it's called, and I think it might be a size 6 but I'm not really sure" isn't going to generate much interest.
 
Try to include as much of the following information as possible:
 
Photos: Post at least 3 or 4 really good pictures (one in the OP and three in the comments allowed in the first 15 minutes after posting without counting toward your two bump a day limit, if you're selling on certain babywearing swap Facebook pages). Try to include a flat photo of the wrap, an action shot, a close-up of the weave/pattern and a pic of the most significant flaw if any (with a note that you can PM pics of any others, or will add them to your listing later). Bring in extra lamps if you need better lighting, or take pictures in daylight. Pay attention to what's in the background of your photos . . . clutter in the background can detract from the photo and may turn people off from your listing.

Details about the item: Try to include the brand and pattern name, color and name of colorway, fiber content (i.e. 100% cotton,  a  70/30 cotton/hemp blend,  etc. ) and any other relevant information. If you know or can find out the weight in g/m2, that is information that will be very helpful to potential buyers.
 
Size, measurements: 

Include the size in whatever system the wrap or carrier manufacturer uses, standard number sizes if applicable, AND meters. Always measure the wrap and give actual measurements in case it was sold to you as the wrong size, shrunk when washed, or whatever. It doesn't hurt to add the size in inches too, just to cover all your bases. 

The width of a wrap is measured straight across the grain from one rail to the other, not along the tapers.  

Measure length with soft tape in hand along the rail, like this video shows. Since most wraps with tapers are shaped like a parallelogram /======/ with both rails slanting the same direction, the length should be the same on both rails. If your wrap has atypical tapers, be sure to note this and give the measurements of both rails.

I've seen more than one wrap listed as a size 3 from a manufacturer that doesn't make size 3 wraps, because people didn't measure and double-check what a size XS in that brand was the equivalent of in meters. And then it sat unsold because people know XYZ company doesn't make size 3 wraps and the ad doesn't disclose whether it was chopped from a longer wrap or not.

Laundering/storage details and condition. Is the item unwashed and unworn, in excellent used condition,  or what? Buyers will be interested in knowing if you are a smoke- free home, if you have pets that might get dander or hair in the environment (this really only impacts people with severe allergies),  what type of laundry detergent  has been used on the wrap,  whether wool shows any signs of felting, and any flaws or signs of wear on the wrap.

Obviously, disclose any significant issues/flaws. Better to overdisclose minor or non-issues and give buyers confidence in your honesty than to not disclose something you think is a minor issue but the buyer things is significant.

 Weaver's knots,  pulls, stains and broken threads, slight thread shifting, etc. are all things that should be disclosed although they are usually minor issues (or in the case of nubs/slubs/weaver's knots,  usually non -issues but still a good idea to disclose). Actual holes in the fabric, significant thread shifting or signs of wear, fabric that has been bleached or a wool wrap that has started to felt are safety issues that can make a wrap unsafe to use. Depending on the issue it may be necessary to sell the wrap or carrier for scrap if it's not safe to use for carrying a baby any more. You don't want an injury to someone else's baby on your conscience. Also check to make sure it's not a recalled or unsafe type of carrier,  such as a bag sling or a ring sling made with the wrong type of fabric or rings to be safe for babywearing. (Here's a quick guide to safe and unsafe materials for babywearing.)

 If the item has been altered in any way,  be sure to disclose what was done and who did it. This includes dyeing and chopping. If it's dyed, state the type of dye used and/or the company that dyed it. If it's chopped,  be  sure to include information about whether it was done with blunt or tapered ends,  if/how it was hemmed,  and whether tags and middle markers have been moved. If it's a wrap conversion carrier or ring sling,  state who converted it if you know the converter. If you did it yourself or it was done by someone not well known in the babywearing community,  be  sure to include information relevant to the safety and quality of the work,  such as the brand of hardware such as sling rings or buckles used,  type of  fabric,  type of thread, and method of stitching (for example,  a ring sling sewn with three rows of stitching with Guttermann all-purpose thread at the shoulder;  or whether shoulder straps are sewn with X-boxes,  bar-tacked, or what).

Don't try to be cutesy and say something like, "I don't allow my dog to smoke in the wrap" unless you want people to think that you smoke in the house and let your dog sleep on the wrap. :)

Price. MMARO (make me a reasonable offer) without a starting price makes many buyers want to run the other direction. Even if you're wanting trades only, many forums require that you post the approximate trade value of the item. 

It's a good idea to check around and see what other similar items are selling for in the current market. Start by googling the name of your item and checking the swaps to see if any others are for sale or have sold recently. If the same item is currently available at clearance prices from several retailers,  you're unlikely to be able to sell it on the swaps for full retail price even if that's what you paid for it. Nobody is going to pay $35 plus shipping for your used Infantino mei tai when they can go to their neighborhood big-box store and pick one up for $16 and have it instantly, unless it's customized a special way or something. If it's an item that is in high demand, takes some breaking in,  or ships from outside the country some people may be willing to pay a few dollars more to get it faster without having to worry about customs and international transaction fees,  or to have the breaking-in work already done for them.

Make sure you include common search keywords for the item in your listing, including all possible terms for the item and the brand name fully spelled out as well as the nickname or acronym (like Didy for Didymos) if there is one, but try to weave them subtly into your listing so it doesn't look like just a list of keywords.

Also be sure to post in the correct album or forum. Not only does this help the sale groups run more smoothly;  it also makes it easier for people to find your item if they're looking for something specific.

Post as much info as you can in the original post -- brand, colorway, fabric content, actual measurements of length and width, weight in g/m2 if you know it, any flaws, laundering methods and whether you're a smoke/pet free home, etc. Including lots of info in the OP cuts way down on the amount of questions, and makes your listing more appealing to buyers by making it easy to find the information you want.

Then if you don't like having to constantly worry about your listing,  you can just let it sit until it sells, knowing it's where people who are looking for it can find it. Just make sure to respond promptly to any questions/inquiries. When/if you bump, try to do it by adding another pic or some bit of relevant information about the item. Again, be aware of the forum's rules about frequency and type of bumping, and abide by them. 
 
If it sits there for several days or weeks unsold, take a look at whether your price is reasonable for the item in the current market, look to see whether there's anything that might turn off buyers in your photographs or listing, and consider lowering the price. So far, using this method I've rarely had a wrap I've listed on the main swap pages go more than a day or so before selling.

International Babywearing Week 2014, Day 1: Hands-Free Comfort

To celebrate International Babywearing Week, and to get back into the habit of posting on my blog, I plan to make a series of posts about various aspects of babywearing. I started off doing this on Facebook, but I thought why not post on the blog too? So this is Sunday's post, with some additional fleshing-out. :)

Having EDS (and the other health issues that go along with it) makes holding and carrying Baby Nae for any length of time difficult and often painful for me. I'm so thankful for the wraps and other babywearing devices that allow me to hold her as needed without undue strain and damage to my back, shoulders and other joints. It's taken some trial and error to figure out which carriers and methods of wrapping work well for me and distribute the weight without causing pressure points or extra pain, but they make life so much more manageable.

Tonight babywearing worked to get a sick, fussy, restless baby finally soothed to sleep by being wrapped up. She's cutting multiple teeth and has a cold, poor thing. And was wide awake for several hours after a brief nap in the car on the way home this evening. Often being wrapped will soothe Nae and get her to sleep when nothing else will. I think being comfortably and gently restrained with even body pressure from the wrap is calming for babies and helps them relax and fall asleep.

In the above photo I'm wearing the wrap in a carry called the Kangaroo carry, which is my favorite front carry because it's easy for me to get snug and secure, it is a fairly simple carry to tie (once you get the shoulder flip down), you don't have to put the baby down to tie it, it's not too hot with only one layer of fabric over baby, and it's relatively easy to get a sleeping baby in and out of without waking her. I can't find a video that shows how to do it in the way I personally find easiest, so I might have to make one. :)

This wrap is a size Medium (4.6 meter, equivalent to size 6) Lenny Lamb jacquard woven wrap in the colorway (name for the color and pattern) called Eclipse Black & Yellow. This is a substantial, 100% cotton wrap that is on the heavier side at about 280 g/m2 . . . it's workable new, but would definitely benefit from some breaking in. I'm not finding it too hard to wrap and tie with after a wash, line dry and steam iron, but I think it will soften and improve more from where it is now, as I haven't used it much yet.

It feels very substantial and supportive, and is a fairly dense and tapestry-like weave. If you prefer a more dense and solid feel without too much "give" or bounce in a wrap and like solid support, this may be the wrap for you. I really love the look of it, and it looks lovely in a carry that shows the pattern in reverse colors on the back side. (This was my very first attempt at a Jordan's back carry with a ring finish, so please excuse the sloppy wrap job.) Eclipse seems about midrange to me as far as how long it seems to be taking to break in compared to the other brands such as Didymos and Natibaby wraps I've bought new. I can definitely tell it's getting softer with each use.

The Eclipse pattern seems to be mostly sold out, but as of this writing they do still have it at a discount in the outlet in both black and yellow, and also in a turquoise and white version.

Lenny Lamb is a newer brand, and they have gorgeous wraps that for the most part fall into the budget category--you can get a LL wrap in their basic broken twill weave with shipping from Poland included for well under $100, and at approximately 220 g/m2 their basic twill weave wraps are a nice weight, with a bit more beefiness and cush than similarly-priced broken twill wraps I've tried from other companies.  

Their patterns are absolutely gorgeous and I've been impressed with the quality and feel of even the "grade B" discounted items I've purchased from their outlet (which have some sort of cosmetic flaw such as a weaver's knot or small pull that doesn't affect the safety or use of the wrap at all). 

They regularly have a coupon code for up to a 15% discount, linked from the Discount Area of their website (look for the "special coupon" link at the top of the page). And, once you make a purchase you automatically get an affiliate link (for instance, my affiliate link to their homepage would be http://en.lennylamb.com?rid=19435 ) that gives you a credit toward a future purchase for a percentage of purchases made through your link. As of this writing, they even give you a percentage of your current purchase as an automatic credit you can use on your next purchase.

Do note that the prices are in Polish Zloty (PLN) rather than dollars. You can find out what the equivalent to US currency is at today's conversion rates by typing "convert PLN to USD" into Google. A little conversion widget will pop up, accompanied by a graph showing the conversion rate over the past several years. Just put the amount you want to convert in and it will tell you that, for instance, today 200 Polish Zloty equals approximately $60.47 in U.S. Dollars.

I found my Lenny Lamb Autumn 100% cotton broken twill wrap soft and easy to break in (it was pretty soft and easy to wrap with after the initial wash/dry/iron), with decent cush for the weight. I felt it had a good balance of density and texture--grippy enough to hold a knot well without being difficult to pull passes across, and was easy to wrap without being as diggy as thinner wraps can be. It was still a bit lighter-weight than I prefer (I like really thick marshmallowy wraps), but I would recommend it as a basic budget wrap and an excellent beginner wrap.


I've tried several Little Frog wraps for comparison, and in general I personally prefer Lenny Lamb's broken twill over Little Frog's at a similar price point.

Lenny Lamb's basic twill is thicker and beefier than Little Frog's thinnest line, and feels a bit softer and more comfortable to me than LF's heavier 100% cotton broken twill wraps while having fairly comparable substance. Little Frog's lowest price tier wraps are geared more toward younger babies, and are excellent for that--soft, beautiful, easy to break in and easy to tie. But at 190-210 g/m2 the thinner LFs are not as toddler-worthy as a slightly heavier wrap would be, and tend to be more diggy with an older baby. (For more of my take on Little Frog wraps, see here: http://purplekangaroopuzzle.blogspot.com/2014/10/ibw-2014-day-2-size-4-woven-wrap.html ) 

The photo below shows Lenny Lamb's basic broken twill on the left,  and Little Frog's heavier weight broken twill on the right. There's another close-up of the weaves from a different angle in my Little Frog post.

There's generally a bit of a tradeoff in finding the balance between factors like cush and moldability, support and softness, firmess and bounce, grippiness and ease of wrapping. Different people will find their own sweet spot in different wraps, with much variation even within a brand in how a given wrap combines the various characteristics that determine how it feels, looks and wraps. One person's favorite wrap may be one someone else doesn't like at all, so going to a babywearing meetup to try them out for yourself is always helpful. :)

One thing I do like better about Little Frog is that their wraps have middle markers on both top and bottom rails, whereas at least some of Lenny Lamb's designs have a middle marker on only one rail. However, Lenny Lamb does have excellent customer service and said they could send me an extra middle marker to sew on along with my next order. 

Another thing to take note of is that, as of this writing, many of the Lenny Lamb striped wraps are the same color on both rails, as are some of the Little Frog colorways. While the stripes still help learning wrappers in knowing which part to pull on to tighten out slack, many beginners will find it helpful to have either different colored rails, or a pattern which is a different color on the back of the wrap than the front. 

So that's something to watch for when choosing a wrap from any company.  Both Little Frog and Lenny Lamb have some colorways that have different color rails, directional prints, and/or different colors on the front and back of the wrap, and I find this immensely helpful in knowing whether I have the rails twisted or not. :) 

Both brands have tapered tails, which I also find helpful.

I think Lenny Lamb Autumn feels similar to the approximately 240 g/m2 all-cotton Little Frog Flourite, but slightly softer and less dense. Although it's supposedly lighter weight than Flourite, Lenny Lamb's Autumn just looks and feels somehow a little fluffier to me. I have a size 7 Autumn and find it decently comfortable for 30 minutes or more with my 10-month-old in a double hammock, though my thicker cotton wraps (Inda Jani Binni Rayado and Lenny Lamb Galleons, both in the 290-300 g/m2 range) and my size 7 hemp-blend Natibaby  pink Reflection wrap (which I  usually wear in a double hammock) are my favorites for the most long-term comfort with my picky shoulders.

Their all-cotton wraps are generally going to be best for bigger babies and toddlers, but Lenny Lamb also makes bamboo blend wraps which I hear are amazingly soft and buttery and cuddly for a newborn. I have one of those on my "want" list if we ever have another baby. :) I hear very good things also about their ergonomic carriers, which seem to be very popular.

Lenny Lamb's limited-edition jacquard wraps are heavier and more detailed in the weave, but still fall into a very moderately priced range. They range from fairly thin and dense, such as the Twisted Leaves patterns, to at least as thick as 290-300 g/m2, such as Galleons. 

In a jacquard weave, the patterns are not printed on the fabric, but rather created by weaving threads of different colors together to make a pattern that is visible on both sides of the fabric (though the colors are reversed on the back). Lenny Lamb has taken this technique to a whole new level with the amazingly detailed artistry of their patterns. They have even started reproducing works of art such as this beautiful Rennaisance painting, Man of War Between Two Galleys by Pieter Breugel the Elder, on wraps. 

I got the opportunity to try someone else's Lenny Lamb Galleons wrap that had only been through its first wash and worn maybe a couple of times. Even though it's on the heavier side, with its slightly looser weave I found it quite comfy and easy to wrap with right off the bat. The cushy shoulder feel and ease of wrapping were quite surprising in a wrap that new in a more substantial weight range like that--the owner said she was impressed with how it wrapped without much breaking in, too. 

I ended up buying a Galleons of my own, and after using it for a while I'm blown away by the way it feels and wraps. I like my other Lenny Lamb wraps too but I like Galleons the best of nearly any 100% cotton wrap in any brand that I've had the opportunity to try . . . it is just such a nice balance of supportive and cushy, not too hard to wrap or terribly pull-prone without being super dense. It's one of the cushiest all-cotton wraps I've felt, and it is surprisingly moldable and easy to wrap and tie for its weight of 290-300g/m2. 

To me Galleons seems less dense than Eclipse, with longer stitches and thicker thread with more airiness in the weave, which makes it feel softer and gives it more flexibility and a spongier texture even before breaking in. As I use it more, it is definitely softening and getting floppier and even better--I am looking forward to seeing what it's like when it's totally broken in.
 
I admittedly have very little experience and am somewhat of a wrapping newbie, but Galleons reminds me in feel and wrapping quality a bit of the handwoven wraps I've had the opportunity to try, more than any of the other machine-woven wraps I've tried so far. It has almost as much cush and shoulder comfort as my budget handwoven Inda Jani Binni Rayado which is about the same weight in g/m2, but without so much bulk and grip, which in combination with the tapered tails makes it easier to wrap and tie.

I am able to tolerate single-layer and one-shoulder carries in Galleons for much longer than most other wraps I've tried, and I can actually wear it in usually-problematic-for-me carries such as a ruck tied knotless Tibetan and Poppins for about as long if not longer as my softest hemp-blend Natibaby wrap, and definitely longer than some of my other hemp blends that aren't yet as broken in. I usually have trouble with one-layer and one-shoulder carries for any length of time, so this is pretty significant for me.

My Galleons is turquoise and navy in a size XS (size 4, which is 3.6 meters) and it's really more of a sky blue or bright turquoise as opposed to the deeper teal color I was expecting, but it's really beautiful and the fabric has a sheen that makes it almost luminous when the light hits it. Here's a comparison photo of the Galleons Navy Blue & Ecru next to Galleons Navy Blue & Turquoise in indoor light without camera flash.

It's a directional wrap, with a definite right-side-up way to wear it, but the colors and textures still look neat even on the reverse side and if you accidentally wrap it upside-down, as I'm sure to do occasionally:
 

Lenny Lamb has also recently released another new wrap based on a piece of artwork, called Horizon's Verge. Since it's close to the same weight at 280 g/m2, is the same type of artistic piece, and the same price as the Galleons wraps, my best guess would be that it might be similar in type and wrapping qualities. I talked to someone who bought one, and she said that it was so soft and floppy even in loom state that she literally gasped when she took it out of the bag.

Here's where I found the weight and also some more closeup photos of the fabric: en.lennylamb.com/products/show/2031_horizons-verge-jacquard-weave-fabric-100-cotton-width-140-cm-weight-280-gm²?rid=19435

Having a wrap that is beautiful and collectible as well as practical isn't necessary to carry your baby, but it's sure enjoyable. :) And with a wrap like Galleons, the wrapping quality for the price is in my opinion very good.

Disclosure: I was not asked or paid to write about Lenny Lamb products on my blog; I just chose to do so because I like them. I do get a credit toward a future purchase if someone uses the links here to buy something. :)

Too much milk

As I was reading through some old blog posts, including this one mentioning Baby E's fussiness and difficulty with nursing and this one that mentions her inconsolable near-constant screaming, I was reminded of how difficult those first few months of nursing were with all three of my older kids. While they really did probably all have reflux and Ebee definitely had food intolerances too, something I've learned with Baby Nae is one thing I really wish I had learned sooner, as I think it would have helped significantly with my other babies.

I'm so thankful that--I forget whether it was through a lactation consultant or just googling symptoms--I came across the La Lache Leage International page about oversupply and overactive letdown and a few others on the topic. http://www.llli.org/faq/oversupply.html

All four of my babies had many of the symptoms listed. With their rapid weight gain combined with other symptoms, there was no doubt that we had this issue. (Note: some babies actually have trouble getting enough milk because of overactive letdown, so not having rapid weight gain doesn't necessarily rule it out, but it is one factor a lactation consultant will consider.)

Baby Nae had the same kinds of symptoms the older kids had displayed--wanting to nurse constantly, but writhing and fussing even while nursing. Green frothy diarrhea. Massive numbers of wet and poopy diapers, far above average. Arching her back and screaming inconsolably even right after feeding. Copious amounts of spitting up and gassiness. Gulping and spluttering during feedings. More fussing and crying and writhing. Not sleeping unless being held almost upright.

Thankfully, this time around we were able to figure it out and work with a lactation consultant to help manage the issue. The LC showed me some nursing positions to help gravity work to slow down the flow of milk, and I learned how to "block feed"--nursing on only one side for long periods of time. In our case, what worked was about 4-hour segments. I found a smartphone app to help track when I'd fed the baby on which side, and I'd feed her as often as she needed to be fed but only on one side for that 4-hour block of time.

That helped to regulate the milk supply and ensure that Baby Nae was getting enough hindmilk to meet her needs, rather than just getting foremilk delivered fire-hose style at every feeding. Within a week or two, it was so much better. The "colic" was gone.

Which meant that my fussy, colicky, inconsolably-screaming baby turned into the intense, social, active, but basically extremely happy child that she is. And, this time around, I get to experience having a baby that I can actually console most of the time when she cries. Usually if she's fussing, there's a reason that I'm able to figure out and fix. I can't even begin to describe how wonderful that is.

Such a simple thing, but it has made such an amazing world of difference.

Scripting

The other day Ebee was getting a bit riled up and argumentative with her sisters in the grocery store, so I handed her my purse and asked her to carry it (as a distraction, sensory input, and helping her feel like she's doing something important to help).

At the checkout I said, "I need my purse now, please. [pause] Ebee, could you please hand me my purse?"

She rolled her eyes and said, "Yeah, yeah, yeah" as she handed me the purse.

I said in a light, cheerful tone, "Sure, Mom, I'd be happy to hand it to you!"

Ebee, in exaggeratedly bright, winsome tones: "Sure, Mom, I'd be happy to hand it to you!"

The grocery store checkout clerk laughed and said, "That's awesome!"

Handling Hitting and Hurtful Words

One thing the Lord has been teaching me in parenting is to focus on what the child needs to learn--what I do want them to do--and how to help them get there and develop the tools they need to successfully do that. This is a whole different mindset than focusing on what I don't want them to do and punishing them with the primary goal of making them feel bad or simply stopping the behavior in the moment.

If I can approach a situation with the thought, "What does this child need to learn, what skills and tools do they need, and how can I help them develop those?" it seems my parenting is much more effective.

When a child uses uses physical or verbal violence, I take it as a sign that they are experiencing strong feelings and do not yet have the tools or skills to handle them in an appropriate way. (I would define verbal violence as things like calling names, making threats or saying mean things intended to be hurtful--a matter of simple volume or tone we handle differently, mainly by just having them try again with help/modeling if needed.)

In a nutshell, my approach to a child's verbal or physical violence follows this general pattern: Removal/cooling down, restitution, education (practicing the appropriate way to handle the situation instead), and prevention.
The restitution and education are the most important parts--the cooling down and prevention stages may or may not need to be included, depending on the situation.

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• 1. Removal & cooling down.
  
  Using physical or verbal violence is a bit of a unique case in that someone is actually being or in danger of being hurt. So the first order of business is to set limits to protect the person being hurt.
  
  In our house that often means somehow removing the offending child from the situation: not as a punishment, but as a way to protect the person being hurt and give the hitter/yeller a chance to calm down and get their thoughts in order.
  
  This can include a few minutes sitting or lying down somewhere away from the person they are angry at, running or doing some other physical activity, getting a drink of water and taking some deep breaths, wrapping themselves in a blanket, spending a couple of minutes in the comfort corner cuddling a stuffed animal or expressing their feelings in art, balancing a peacock feather on their palm (this takes concentration and calmness!), or whatever is most effective for that child's particular needs and personality to help them calm down.
  
  I don't give them a particular time period they have to stay there, but tell them to let me know when they feel calm enough to discuss the situation. I do make sure they don't get distracted or take longer doing something like coloring beyond the time needed to calm themselves down. Usually I just have them sit somewhere quiet and take deep breaths or run a couple of laps around the back yard, so that rarely becomes an issue. With my older girls, I know I can't let them start reading a book or playing with dolls because that becomes too great a distraction. :)
  
  Sometimes the child doesn't need a cool-down period and can go straight to restitution, but sometimes they need it both as a way to protect the child being hurt and emphasize that such behavior is not acceptable, and also to get to a mental state where they're willing to make restitution and able to learn.

• 2. Restitution
  
  The solution after that will include making restitution. This could include an apology, saying kind things if something mean was said, giving back what was grabbed to try a more appropriate way of handling the situation, getting an ice pack to soothe the injury when they hit someone, etc.
  
  I don't force apologies if the child is not ready or willing, but depending on the situation I may offer an alternative (like giving a hug or writing a note if they are having trouble verbalizing it), or work more on discussing the situation to help them empathize with the person and understand that they hurt them and desire to make it right.
  
  I do insist on and enforce restitution if necessary, though I prefer to leave room for them to do it willingly first.


• 3. Education
  
  We also spend some time focusing on education--giving the child the tools they need to respond more appropriately and, if necessary, setting boundaries to help keep them from hurting someone while they are in the learning process.
  
  The development of tools at this point usually consists of me helping them set up the situation again as it was just before the violence happened, and walking them through one or more ways to get their needs met and communicate their feelings in that situation appropriately. I literally have them go through the motions and act it out while I help them brainstorm. I like to have them come up with their own solutions whenever possible, but I make suggestions and give coaching as needed.


• 4. Prevention
  
  Depending on the situation, we may or may not need to take further proactive steps to prevent the problem happening again right away. This can help set the child up for success while they are learning and developing the skills needed to navigate the situation.
  
  Sometimes, especially if it has been a repeated offense or an item was used to hit someone, the prevention will include steps like putting the toy that was used as a weapon out of reach until they are ready to try again at a later time (you abuse it, you lose it), restrictions on activity ("don't touch your sister without express verbal permission since you are having trouble respecting her personal space,") or me keeping them within easy voice and arm's reach so that I can help them stop themselves before they hurt someone, especially if a young child is having trouble stopping themselves from hitting or biting.
  
  I have a few times used a soft belt around each of our waists and a line to tether a young child to me for part of the day so that we can be sure she stays close enough to me to keep an eye on her if she was having trouble listening and staying near me without it. When I did this recently with my youngest she actually very much enjoyed it, as it was an opportunity for extra attention and positive interactions with mom. We laughed a lot, chatted, and worked together on things like laundry.

The goal is to teach.

The important thing is that all of this is not done in a shaming or punitive way, but in a grace-filled and constructive way. It can be hard work to keep my tone matter-of-fact and gracious rather than shaming, but if I can accomplish this is helps so much toward creating an environment conducive to learning.

It is sometimes hard to get past the mentality that the goal of discipline is to make the child feel bad, and if they're enjoying it then it must not be a good "punishment". But if I can remember that the goal is helping them learn, and giving them the tools they need to behave appropriately, then it can be OK and even helpful for them to have fun learning.

Certainly sometimes consequences are hard for them to handle, and they will cry and be upset. That's when I have to double-check to make sure I'm not having a punitive attitude and that the consequence is logical, fits the crime, and is designed to teach, and then be OK with the fact that their actions and the consequences are causing the child temporary pain as part of the learning process. Scripture makes it pretty clear that discipline and the learning process are not always fun. :) But whether and how much the child dislikes the learning process does not necessarily correlate with how effectively they learn from the situation.

Sometimes learning hurts, but it's the learning that's the goal and not specifically the pain. In our family we don't artificially inflict extra pain to try to make the learning more effective, but we don't step in and try to protect the child from ever feeling hurt or upset about the consequences of their actions either. We don't try to protect them from painful natural consequences unless it's something potentially dangerous, either.

Young children may require a simplified approach.

With young children too young to verbalize or understand the issues, handling such situations is mostly going to be a matter of physically preventing them from hurting someone, while repeating ad nauseum the idea that hitting, biting or whatever hurts and will not be allowed (i.e. "Don't bite. Biting hurts.").

For that 2-year-old going through the hitting/biting stage, it may mean that for a while Mom and Dad have to be very intentional about keeping that child within arm's length on playdates. Sometimes it may require ending the play time early or holding the child where they can't reach anyone else until they are ready to try again.

From a very young age, I like to go ahead and start helping them practice acceptable alternatives as much as possible so that they will be natural to the child as soon as they are old enough to understand and practice them. Sometimes you'll need to talk for them in asking nicely to have a turn instead of grabbing or in using words to say "I'm mad" instead of hitting.

Giving appropriate physical outlets for strong or angry feelings, such as jumping up and down, running, or teaching the sign language for "angry" (hitting their fist against the palm of the other hand--a wonderfully physical but non-harmful expression of their feelings) can make all the difference for a child who has a strong need to express their big feelings in a physical way. Redirecting a behavior can be worlds easier than just stopping it without giving them anything else to do with those feelings.

Remember that a 2-year-old is going to act like a 2-year-old no matter what you do, and there are certain developmental stages they go through and things that are a long process to learn no matter what parenting approach you use. Whatever way you choose to handle things like toddlers hitting or biting, you are likely going to have to repeat tens, hundreds, or thousands of times, depending on the child. I recommend choosing a response that is age-appropriate and that you feel comfortable repeating over and over and over; a response that will not require escalating into a potentially dangerous situation if it (inevitably, with many children) doesn't work after the first few times.

It takes time.

Above all, I find it helpful to remember that my job is to help the child learn. I am here to give them the support and help they need to go through the developmental stages all children go through in their own unique way. The focus is on helping them learn the skills and tools that will allow them to interact appropriately with others and handle life well.

It's a long-term learning process, not a single event.

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(Parenting posts on this blog will generally be tagged "Parenting" so you can pull them all up at once if desired.)