Growing in Grace

Ever since we had a talk about why, exactly, it's bad for the couch to jump on it and followed it up with family conversation brainstorming ways to meet the kids' jumping needs, the older two girls have had a much easier time treating the couch gently.

I've had to remind them maybe a couple of times in the last day or two, but they've pretty much left the couch alone. I've also made a point to play games with them that involve lots of jumping on the floor and other appropriate places. :)

We've been considering different ideas for jumping, and at the moment we're all leaning toward getting a big foam pad or cheap mattress or something like that, and trying to find some foam blocks or second-hand couch cushions to jump on and make forts out of. Since the kids want to play games of imagination with their jumping, they didn't think a mini trampoline would be as much fun.

Today Ebee started sliding down the arm of the couch while I cooked breakfast. I went over to her and said, "Ebee, the couch is not for sliding. If you want to slide, you can go outside and slide down the slide." She responded by starting to jump on the couch instead of sliding down it. :)

I said, "It's not good for the couch to jump on it." She said, "Dzump on the flooy, and wun on the flooy?" and got down and started running and jumping on the floor.

Yesterday was one of those "wow, they're really starting to get it" days. There were so many instances where I could see that the kids are really internalizing the things we've been trying to teach them.

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During our home group (Bible study) meeting yesterday afternoon, I noticed that M&M and Ebee started to get into an argument about a ball. But then--all on their own, with no adult intervention--they stopped and came to a solution about how they could both play with it together. They decided to roll it back and forth to each other, and had a blast doing it.

In the afternoon M&M took AJ's new toy teddy bear and hid it because she was jealous and wanted it. When AJ became upset that it was missing, M&M confessed what she had done and gave it back to her.

We talked about how sad that made AJ and why it was wrong, and then we tried to think of a way for M&M to make it right. I remembered that the Bible lays out a principle that when someone steals something, they need to give back double what they took as restitution, not just return the item they stole.

I mentioned the Biblical idea of restitution and suggested that M&M might want to consider giving AJ one of her own toys that she cared about to keep for a day, to help make up for taking AJ's toy for a day. M&M cried at the idea, but she decided that she would do it. She chose one of her most treasured possessions--a stuffed cat--to let AJ have until the next day.

It really touched my heart to see M&M weeping bitterly at the separation from her beloved toy, but choosing to do the difficult thing to make amends to her sister.

In the book Unconditional Parenting (which I have read only part of), Alfie Kohn talks about not saying "how would you feel if . . . " when a child does something that hurts someone else or makes them sad, but instead taking an approach of, "how do you think it makes that person feel when . . . ". That seems to be so much more effective for M&M than just asking her to think about how SHE would feel if someone had done something similar to her.

Kohn pointed out that the first version of the question (how would you feel if someone did this to you) has two problems:

First, it is more self-focused. It invites the child to focus on their own feelings and desires instead of on the other person's feelings.

And, it doesn't really take into account that the other person might feel differently about it. We've run into that problem quite a bit with our kids--they say, "Well, *I* wouldn't mind if someone did that to me, so I will do it to them." But maybe they don't mind being sat on, and the other person does.

"Do unto others as you would have them do unto you" is a very important principle, but I think it necessarily requires empathy and understanding of what you would want that person to do to you if you were them. Treating others the way you would want to be treated, when you know that they actually don't want to be treated that way, really doesn't follow the heart of the golden rule.

I think both questions can be useful, and considering the first can certainly help to develop empathy. But I don't want my kids (or myself) to stop at the first question. We somehow need to go beyond that to considering how the other person really feels about the matter.

This week I've been trying a new approach: having the child look into the eyes of the person she hurt to consider how they are feeling and try to put it into words. Especially for M&M, it is really hard to look the person in the face and make eye contact with their emotion, knowing that her action was the cause of it. But it seems to be instrumental in bringing about true compassion and repentance.

Last night AJ started out rather uncaring about M&M's stuffed cat. But when I quietly pointed out to her how special the cat was to M&M and how hard it was for her to let AJ have it for a while, AJ began treating it (and M&M) with extreme care and respect.

When she realized that M&M had loaned her the cat because she chose to, and not because I made her, it made a much greater impression on AJ. She suddenly valued the gesture and M&M's treasured pet, believed M&M's apology, and forgave her. She asked M&M's input on where the cat should sleep and how to do various things with it, and made sure to let M&M hold it for a few minutes before bed.

Then she offered to let M&M to hold the coveted teddy bear while I read the bedtime story.

When we prayed at the end of our bedtime routine, Ebee thanked God that M&M shared her kitty with AJ and that M&M shared her teddy bear with AJ. She had such admiration, pleasure, and sweet sincerity in her little voice as she gave thanks for her sisters' kindness to each other. I sat there thinking that I wouldn't want to miss these moments for the world.

Just before the girls went to sleep, Ebee was arranging her dolls to go to sleep also, when M&M realized that Ebee had one of M&M's dolls. We have 3 of the same doll, and there are only subtle differences, so Ebee thought it was hers and M&M was insistent that it was hers.

We looked at the doll carefully, and M&M calmed down enough to articulately point out the differences and the little marks that showed it was hers. Ebee listened and cried because she wanted to keep the doll.

Finally Ebee agreed that it was M&M's doll, but she wanted to keep it because she didn't know where her own was.

I said, "Ebee, I know you didn't mean to take M&M's doll, and we don't know where yours is. We'll help you look for yours later. But right now, you have M&M's doll. What do you think you should do about that?"

I completely expected her to put up a battle. I'm certain that if anyone had tried to take the doll from her by force, or order her to give it back, she would have held onto it with all her might, kicking and screaming. I could have forced her to give it up at that point, but it certainly wouldn't have been willingly on her part.

But when I asked Ebee what SHE thought should be done, she looked at the doll and then at M&M. Then she said, "Oh. I'm sowwy, M&M. Hewe you doh." And she handed M&M the doll.

It's amazing to me how, given the chance, the kids will often choose to do what they know is right. With my kids, I'm finding that they often remain self-focused if I step in with an order or force to make them do it. They may do it, but often grudgingly.

But even the 2-year-old often has an amazing capacity to choose the loving thing when given the freedom to make that choice and encouraged to think about the other person instead of herself. (Of course, this is in a context of lots of modeling, teaching and prayer throughout their lives that, I think, helps them to be more likely to make the right choices.)

When they don't make the choice on their own, then sometimes I may have to step in and enforce it. But I'm realizing that I can rob both my children and me of so much by stepping in too soon or with too much force.

I don't want to steal from them the opportunity and experience of doing the right thing not because they have to, but because they choose to. In many situations, it seems to be my task to help them understand what is right more than to make them do it. It's truly a beautiful thing when they freely choose what they know is right.

Maybe that's a small part of why God chose to give us so many choices, and so much free will.