Sleep update

The night before last, I fed Baby E at 3 a.m. and then escaped to the guest bed. When she woke the next time, DH gave her a bottle of expressed milk, which allowed me several hours of almost unbroken sleep. That was really helpful.

Last night, she was back to her "normal" pattern of waking only every 3 hours. Every 3 hours is a vast improvement over every hour.

I think I've figured out what's been triggering the hourly wakings.

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I've been falling asleep while nursing and then waking up about an hour later to try to roll over or move Baby E a little farther away from me (into the sidecar crib attached to the bed). By that point, both Baby E and I have entered a lighter, more easily-aroused part of the sleep cycle. So in trying to make myself more comfortable, I manage to wake Baby E.

Once she's awake, she wants to nurse. So the cycle begins all over again.

My theory is that if I could either not try to move her after she's asleep, or move her right after she finishes nursing and is less easily awakened, she might stay asleep longer. DH hasn't been too keen on the idea of just planning to have her in our bed all night indefinitely, but after a conversation today he agreed we could give it a try. So we might try it both ways.

For some reason I really can't understand, cosleeping is one of those topics that can tend to bring out strong feelings. I don't know why it's so emotionally charged. But it seems that often when the topic comes up in conversation, people are either extremely uncomfortable with the topic or are zealous to gain converts for one approach or the other.

I don't see it as that important of a distinction. We all have to sleep somewhere, and the baby must be fed. My only real goal is to figure out how to have that happen in a way that is as safe, convenient and restful for the whole family as possible.

I want the best for my baby. According to proponents of attachment parenting and ecological breastfeeding, this includes letting the baby nurse for long periods of time while we're both sleeping, and having her in our bed so she doesn't feel abandoned or alone. According to some others, it means teaching her to sleep on her own and go to sleep independently.

So far, we've landed somewhere in between.

In thinking about it and talking it over on the telephone with a friend, I think most of my objections to full-out bedsharing are mental.

Yes, it's partly that it's less comfortable for me. I like to have plenty of space for sleeping--my own space, and lots of it. I'm not really one for having someone snuggle up to me when I'm trying to sleep--snuggling is for when I'm awake. The thing I like best about DH's occasional business trips is that I have the whole bed to myself for a few days. I also like to be able to roll over whenever I feel like it without worrying about rolling on the baby. So I like her having her own space in (attached to) our bed for that reason.

Also, I have this feeling that she's safer on the crib mattress than actually in our bed. That impression may or may not be valid, but it's a firmer mattress with less bedding and less likelihood of her getting rolled on. Also, in the crib there is the monitor. I don't have the least illusion that the monitor actually protects my baby, but it does help me feel that I don't have to stay awake to make sure she's breathing all night long. If she were to stop breathing in our bed, no alarm would go off.

Let's face it, I'm a little paranoid. I'm no longer in constant fear, and I have in many ways been able to let go and turn my children over to God this year, but it's still a process. A hard one.

We put a lot of thought and energy into making that crib the safest possible place for our baby to sleep. And, for the most part, I'm able to rest knowing that if she were to stop breathing in the night as our niece and nephew did, at least it wouldn't be because of an unsafe bed.

At the same time, with her at arm's reach I can check on her, soothe her or feed her without either of us waking fully. I can hear her breathe, and some studies show that sleeping near mother helps to regulate infants' breathing and sleep cycles. She feels secure and safe being close to me. I love having her nearby.

The sidecar crib has to me seemed like the best of both worlds--she's only inches away and I can hold her without getting up, but she has her own space. She is in our bed, and yet not in our bed.

Now that she's getting more mobile, though, she can get herself out of the crib and onto our bed. She can grab a pillow or blanket and pull it over her face. Soon there will be danger of her rolling across the bed and onto the floor if we're not in the bed to stop her.

How do families that cosleep without a crib handle this, I wonder? Where does the baby nap at the times Mommy can't nap alongside?

DH is a little worried about the eventual transition to sleeping solo if the baby gets too used to sleeping in our bed. The other two girls already share a room, so I figure that we could always let them get the bunk bed they've been longing for and put all three girls in the same room. That way nobody will be lonely. That will probably be what happens when the next baby arrives, anyway.

I really have no strong opinion toward babies sleeping in their parents' bed or somewhere else. In some cultures, the whole family shares a bed in a one-room home, and that's their only option. In our culture, it's more common for the baby to sleep alone in a crib in his or her own room. Proponents of both sides sometimes induce guilt for anyone choosing the other method.

I don't think either approach is wrong, or necessarily better in general. I think many families will use different approaches at different times depending on the need and what works for them at the moment.

What I need to figure out is what will work for us right now.

We're probably making it harder than it needs to be.