Potty Training 101

Ask Moxie (a lovely blog recommended to me by Liz) has a question up today about potty training a reluctant toddler.

Moxie asks, "Did anyone do anything with an over-3 potty-trainer that got past refusal?"

I started writing a comment in the replies there, but it became so long I decided I'd better just turn it into a post on my own blog. Please feel free to add your ideas and experiences in the comments, or point out anything I missed.

When my kids were toddlers I potty trained two girls and a boy, almost all at the same time. (I took care of the boy--who was right between my older girls in age--while his mom worked.) Seeing other kids using the potty and learning at the same time was really motivating for all three kids.

One of my girls was particularly reluctant to sit on the potty after the novelty wore off, and we had to be careful to avoid a battle of the wills with her. The boy did great learning how to pee in the potty (once his mom and I figured out how to have him sit so it actually went down) but took a lot longer with pooping.

Here are a few things we did that were successful:


• If you can, set aside several days or a week of time to be home together where you can concentrate on potty training. Be prepared to clean up LOTS of accidents. If you can't stay home, use the time when you are at home to potty train and try to get any other care providers on board with the process.



• Don't get upset about accidents--they are to be expected! Have lots of changes of clothing, towels and cleaning supplies on hand. You may want to put towels or changing pads on your furniture.



• Have the child help clean up accidents, putting their own wet clothes in the hamper, wiping up spills, and helping to put poops and soiled toilet tissue into the toilet where they belong. Even if they poop in their underwear or diaper, let them help you dump the poop into the potty so they understand that the potty is where poop goes.



• Give the child lots of fluids while you're trying to have him get the idea of using the potty, to provide lots of practice.



• Find out what motivates him. For one of my kids it was M & Ms, for another marshmallows, for another it was stickers. Some parents use applause or doing a special dance & song as a reward. New underwear that he doesn't want to get wet is a good idea, too.



• Explain that pee and poop go in the potty chair. Put it in a central place that's easy to get to, and you can even practice running to the potty from different places in the house. A doll or stuffed animal can demonstrate using the potty.



• Books and videos about going potty are good.
  
  It's Potty Time is an extremely annoying video for adults and very cheesy, but my kids loved it and were motivated by it. Warning! The songs are very catchy. You'll find yourself singing songs like "She's a super-duper pooper / She can potty with the best"--possibly in public. One thing to note, though, is that it does show improper wiping techniques for girls (a little girl wiping her teddy bear's bottom over and over with the same piece of toilet paper--a great recipe for a UTI). So I might recommend a different video, or some extra time on wiping technique if you use that one. (My readers have some excellent recommendations in the comments below.)



• Put the potty chair in front of the TV and let him watch a video while sitting on the potty. You can also read books while sitting on the potty. If he sits there for a while, he's almost certain to pee at some point, at which time you can make a big deal celebrating it.



• Use pants-free time. This was the single most effective thing I did with my kids. Let them run around in just a shirt or dress with nothing on the bottom half. The fewer things in the way, the easier it is for them to get to the potty. Watch the child closely and if you see him start to pee or poop, get him onto the potty as fast as you can.



• Get the child to the potty quickly when they start going. Even if they've already finished having an accident, have them sit there for a moment to see if they can finish in the potty. If you can get them onto the potty halfway through the poop or pee, that's good. Getting them there before they start going will come later. Try to make running to the potty positive and exciting rather than stressful.
  
  Even if you don't do pants-free time, try to watch closely and get them to the potty if you see that they are going. Getting them there halfway through a poop still helps them get the idea that pooping is supposed to happen on the potty. That's the one thing that finally helped us with the child that had a difficult time with pooping in the potty.



• Treat using the potty in a matter-of-fact way and turn it into part of your routine, as you do with activities like washing hands and brushing teeth. Going potty is just something we always do before/after meals, before going outside, before going to sleep, and first thing after waking up.



• Try using a timer. I set the alarm on my cell phone to go off every 30 minutes at first, then every hour, then every 2 hours. When the timer goes off, it's time to sit on the potty. That way it's the timer and not you making them stop what they're doing to sit on the potty. You'd be amazed at how much that helps to bypass the battle of the wills.



• If you have a child that's reluctant to sit on the potty (one of my girls was), set some kind of tangible, simple limit for how long they need to sit there. Explain that they don't have to actually go potty, they just have to sit there for a minute to practice, or to see if they need to go--however you want to explain it.


I would suggest that it be at least 30 seconds to a minute, maybe as long as 2 minutes. Do something like sing a song, read a book or count to keep track of the time and give a concrete end to it. My daughter and I would hold hands and count slowly to 30 together, and then she could get off the potty and I'd praise her for sitting there. She learned to count to 30 really quickly that way, too. :) Baby E's favorite activity is having me help her count her fingers and toes (and sometimes mine too) while sitting on the potty.


• Get the child to relax. Some things that can help are reading or singing, getting them to laugh (not too much, though, or their muscles can tense up), having them take a deep breath and let it out (sigh), running the water a trickle in the sink or bathtub (the sound of running water can help release the bladder) or having them blow on a pinwheel or bubble wand (blowing can help push things out the back end).



• When you do have them wear pants, try to use cloth if you can--either cloth diapers, cloth training pants with a waterproof layer, or just cloth underwear with something absorbent like sweat pants to help absorb accidents. The child needs to feel the wetness to learn how their body works and what it feels like when they need to use the bathroom and while they're doing so.



• Give lots of praise and encouragement even for just practicing sitting on the potty, and really celebrate when they potty in it! Give small, short-term rewards for EVERY success at first--later you can make them more sporadic and/or longer-term (i.e. a week of no accidents, kept track of with stickers for each accident-free day, to earn a prize).



• Remember that sensing the need to go potty ahead of time and getting themselves there is usually the very last step in potty training. There's a reason preschools and other places that deal with groups of young children schedule regular times to use the toilet.
  
  Kids almost always say no if you ask them if they need to go. No preschooler wants to take time out from playing to sit on the potty! Don't expect the child to take the initiative until well after they are proficient at using the potty every hour or two on your cue.



• The very best thing I did with my third child was starting very early. When she was just a few months old I started paying attention when she wet or pooped in her diaper, and giving a "potty signal". Some people make a "shhh" noise, but for us it was the word "potty".
  
  If you are consistent with this, it creates an association between the word or sound and the act of releasing their bladder or stools. Some people start this immediately after birth (look up "elimination communication" for more information). I tried to always keep her diaper changed so she didn't get used to the feeling of staying wet or poopy (cloth diapers helped with this too).
  
  Once I learned her signals for when she needed to go potty, I could set her on a tiny potty (Baby Bjorn makes one sized for very small children) and give the potty signal, and she would go. She was using the potty fairly frequently by the time she was 10 months old with this method.