Finding a Balance
Having a chronically ill or special-needs child adds new complications to parenting.
Is the child crying because she's in pain or because she didn't get that toy she wanted? Is she not sleeping because of her illness or because we're not being consistent enough about naps and bedtime? When she wants to be held constantly should we set aside everything else because she doesn't feel good, or use the same standards for balancing her needs vs. the needs of the rest of the household that we would use for the healthier children?
I think it's a good thing that Baby E's illness tends to make me look more closely at the reasons beneath her behavior. When I know she doesn't feel well, I am apt to be more patient and tender in the way I interact with her.
And yet, there has to be a balance. For the short-term it may be all right to put the majority of the parents' energy and focus into caring for a sick child. But when it becomes long-term it's important to make sure the rest of the family isn't suffering more than necessary.
The healthy children need care and attention too. Their needs and the needs of the rest of the household are no less important than Baby E's.
However, I think at some level the answer isn't to treat the ill child more like the standard ways of treating well children. Maybe we can learn something from the way we interact with ill children, and apply that to our interactions with the well children.
For instance, think about meltdowns. No child, ill or well, has a meltdown in a vaccuum. Usually there is some trigger, some cause, or some exacerbating circumstance.
Instead of thinking, "Oh, she's just being naughty," it would be helpful to take some of the attitude that comes so much more easily when dealing with an ill child: "What is causing the tantrum? Is she tired? Hungry? Feeling unwell? What does the child need?"
Of course, we do have to help children learn to modulate their behavior, whether they are ill or well. They need to learn important life skills like handling anger and sadness in an honest but safe way. They need to learn how to treat others with kindness, empathy and respect. They need to develop problem-solving skills, and they need to learn things like self-control and delayed gratification.
But all children need that extra measure of compassion and understanding. Grace is not just for ill children.
Is the child crying because she's in pain or because she didn't get that toy she wanted? Is she not sleeping because of her illness or because we're not being consistent enough about naps and bedtime? When she wants to be held constantly should we set aside everything else because she doesn't feel good, or use the same standards for balancing her needs vs. the needs of the rest of the household that we would use for the healthier children?
I think it's a good thing that Baby E's illness tends to make me look more closely at the reasons beneath her behavior. When I know she doesn't feel well, I am apt to be more patient and tender in the way I interact with her.
And yet, there has to be a balance. For the short-term it may be all right to put the majority of the parents' energy and focus into caring for a sick child. But when it becomes long-term it's important to make sure the rest of the family isn't suffering more than necessary.
The healthy children need care and attention too. Their needs and the needs of the rest of the household are no less important than Baby E's.
However, I think at some level the answer isn't to treat the ill child more like the standard ways of treating well children. Maybe we can learn something from the way we interact with ill children, and apply that to our interactions with the well children.
For instance, think about meltdowns. No child, ill or well, has a meltdown in a vaccuum. Usually there is some trigger, some cause, or some exacerbating circumstance.
Instead of thinking, "Oh, she's just being naughty," it would be helpful to take some of the attitude that comes so much more easily when dealing with an ill child: "What is causing the tantrum? Is she tired? Hungry? Feeling unwell? What does the child need?"
Of course, we do have to help children learn to modulate their behavior, whether they are ill or well. They need to learn important life skills like handling anger and sadness in an honest but safe way. They need to learn how to treat others with kindness, empathy and respect. They need to develop problem-solving skills, and they need to learn things like self-control and delayed gratification.
But all children need that extra measure of compassion and understanding. Grace is not just for ill children.
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Posted by purple_kangaroo at 7:16 PM[Permanent link]
2 Comments:
Lots of valid points here. I struggle with this with Kenzie all the time not knowing sometimes if she is just being crabby or if she is not feeling well, both need to be dealt with differently. Also I tend to handle situations with her differently then the other kids and they pick up on it, its hard to balance.
Such good points!!
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