Conserving Spoons

Sorry there haven't been many blog posts lately. I'm not expecting an increase in blogging any time soon, as it takes quite a bit of mental and physical energy.

I'm still really struggling health-wise.

I got to go for a few days to a ministry house for women to go rest and spend time with God this past weekend. It was supposed to be Thursday night through Sunday evening, but I ended up coming back early Saturday evening because I wasn't able to sleep there and was steadily deteriorating with pain, fatigue, weakness and difficulty focusing/concentrating to the point that I was having trouble doing things like walking and reading. The time away was still a blessing, though, and some good things came out of that. Maybe I'll be able to share some about that later.

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An epsom salt bath, a backrub from DH, and a good night's sleep in my own bed got me quite a bit more functional by the next day--at least enough to keep Ebee (who is stillsick with the cold/flu virus thngy) home with me while DH took the older kids to all 3 services at church, since he was involved in the service.

I pretty much slept all weekend (I've been sleeping the majority of most weekends anyway, it seems). I am doing better. But I'm still at the point where I'm having to sit down and rest in the middle of simple tasks like climbing the stairs and getting dressed. I did manage to get the kids fed and dressed, etc. and to supervise the kids in doing some school.

I am doing as much as I can while lying or sitting down, and taking lots of rest breaks, so that simple things like preparing meals or unloading the dishwasher take forever, but at least I'm able to do the basic things that HAVE to happen to take care of the kids. For now.

Right now a really good day is a day when I can do what I need to in order to care for myself and the kids, help the kids do at least the basics of schoolwork, and then still be able to muster up the energy to do at least one load of dishes and one load of laundry and play with/read to the kids at some point during the day.

Today was not one of those days--just keeping the kids fed and supervised was enough today. AJ and M&M did get at least math and phonics done, although it took much longer than usual because of my low energy levels for helping. Then they played in the afternoon and did some reading on their own. AJ picked up some toys in the family room and M&M helped unload the dishwasher (I did the things that were hazardous or out of her reach). Ebee mostly whined and fussed and needed me to blow her goopy nose all day. She's still not feeling well.

Thankfully DH came home for lunch just as I felt I was about to fall apart and had not an ounce of energy left. Ebee didn't want to nap and I was completely shot. DH took over with the kids and folded some laundry that had been sitting for almost a week waiting to be put away while I laid down and took a short nap.

Then he left and Ebee laid down with me for a while until I tried to get her to take a nap in her own bed, at which point she threw a huge tantrum and then peed on the carpet. That took me about 45 minutes to get the floor and E cleaned up, and then I was totally exhausted again. She did eventually fall asleep for a little while, so I got a rest while the older girls read books.

At least I had soup in the refrigerator that I could just heat up for lunch and dinner today . . . the soup that took me 3 hours to cut up the vegetables for last night. It's a good thing I know I need to start early doing things like that, so I started fixing it at 4 yesterday. Tomorrow I'll try to put something in the crock pot in the morning so we won't be eating dinner so late.

I'm brainstorming ways I can save "spoons" (energy), like buying already-cut-up frozen vegetables instead of fresh veggies that need to be cleaned and cut up. I am going to have to cut more corners. It's not going to be as healthy, but right now that may be a necessary trade-off.

I've also decided that it's not really worth it to push myself so hard to do things in the short-term (like getting up energy to visit with friends without "looking" as tired and sick as I feel, or pushing through to finish a task when I start getting tired) because I pay for it over the next few days. So here's your warning, friends, that I'm going to start allowing myself to sit down and rest when I need to, even when people are watching. Even though it's embarrassing and I hate to show any weakness. Because sitting down to rest in the middle of getting you a cup of tea is better than being almost non-functional for the next day or two because I pushed myself to seem more normal while you were visiting. Yeah. I know you're probably wondering why I didn't do that sooner?

I think I'm coming to terms at another level with the fact that just because I *can* push through and force myself into an almost-normal level of activity for sometimes up to a few hours at a time doesn't necessarily mean it's a good thing to do. It would be better if I could keep a steady but slow pace in my life, conserving as much energy as I can but rarely getting to the non-functional or barely-surviving point. My pattern in the past has been to push myself as much as I can when I feel relatively decent, and then crash for a few days or a week or two later because I overdid it. ]

I've been trying to learn how to not overdo it, but I think what I really need to do is start thinking a lot more about conserving spoons rather than about exactly how far I can push myself without QUITE throwing myself into a horrible flare-up.

I don't want to live that way. Really, I don't. I want to be constantly on the go, doing things, enjoying life, expending energy and learning new things. But, at least right now, I can't. And I need to accept that and just try to keep myself and my household running as smoothly as possible even if it means I don't get to do some of the things I really want to do on the days I'm feeling better.

I'm also trying to find help we can afford to hire, like maybe a girl to be a "mother's helper" and play with the kids for a little while some days while I nap.

DH and I have even discussed the possibility of putting the older kids in school, although it probably wouldn't really be much easier anyway (we'd still have to deal with getting them to/from school, preparing lunches, homework, etc. even if we found a school with a good enough gifted program to cater to their needs). Private school is not an option for finacial reasons at this point in our lives. Anyway, it's mainly Ebee that's more energy-intensive to care for. She's not old enough for school, and daycare wouldn't be feasible. The older girls are at least not getting behind academically because we've been able to do the basics and they love reading and learning things on their own.

There's more to tell, I m sure, but I'm out of energy for now and this post has taken forever to write with slow typing and stopping to rest. I'm going to see if I can help DH with the bedtime routine and then rest some more.

Oh, I do have an appointment with a new doctor this week and am going to try to get a referral to a rheumatologist. My doctor had said he was going to refer me to one, but left the practice without doing so.

I hope all my readers and friends are doing well . . . we are doing pretty well here other than this virus we are fighting, and just trying to figure out how to cope with my CFS/FMS stuff. God is still good, and making His presence felt in our lives. I'd sure appreciate any prayers and kind thoughts you can send our way.