Potty Accidents

I just wrote a reply to someone on Facebook who was asking about their child regressing and having potty accidents. Since I have quite a few first-time parents in my circle who are going through this stage, I thought I'd expand it a bit and post it here in case it was helpful for someone.

My older post on Potty Training 101 covers the basics of potty training and beginning toilet training, but doesn't go into as much depth on accidents and regression.

Potty accidents and regression are part of childhood. Things like stress or changes in routine can trigger them, or they can happen when the distraction level goes up and kids forget to pay attention to their bodies or don't want to take time away from something exciting to use the potty. I think even a kid going through a developmental stage where they need to concentrate most of their energy on some other milestone they're working on can cause accidents or regression.

Of course, you always want to pay attention and be aware of potential causes like illness, food intolerances or allergies, overfatigue, UTIs, bladder infections, or even urinary reflux or other medical issues. If other things aren't working and it continues without improvement, I would always suggest asking your child's doctor about it.

Remember that a child's being able to realize they need to go to the bathroom in time, and then TELLING you or doing something about it before it's too late, is the very last stage in potty training. That takes a different level of maturity than being able to go to the bathroom when they sit on the potty and then hold it for a while.

If the distraction level has gone up in any way this can be a lot harder for kids. Sometimes even much older kids (9 or 10 year olds or even older) occasionally have trouble remembering to stop their play and take the time out to go to the bathroom before it's too late. It can vary so much from child to child how long potty training takes, and how reliable they are after that. Some 2 or 3 year olds are able to take themselves to the potty by themselves reliably, but others will need reminding. A child under age 4 or 5 will often need to be reminded, and some kids may even need reminding (especially if there's extra excitement going on) until they are quite a bit older.

Having set times scheduled into the day when it's time to sit on the potty for a few minutes, whether he feels like he needs to go or not, can be really helpful. I would suggest either working it into your routine (when you get up, after meals, mid-morning/mid-afternoon, when arriving or leaving places, before bed, etc.) or setting a timer.

We started out with setting the timer for every 30 minutes for beginning potty training, and then gradually increased the time. A timer really helps to take the battle out of it for reluctant kids, because it's the timer saying it's time, not just Mommy being arbitrary. If your child was already potty trained and is having a regression, consider setting a timer for every 1.5 hours or so and then maybe you'll be able to gradually stretch the time out from there.

What we have done about accidents is just in a matter-of-fact way have the child (to the best of his ability) help clean up the mess. Depending on their age, they can do everything from washing themselves to washing the floor to doing laundry. Even the littles can help with these chores, even if they can't do it all by themselves. Try to keep your expectations of what they can do age-appropriate to keep them from being overwhelmed, but don't underestimate their abilities either. You can always go along after them and touch up. :)

I did have a "three accidents in a day and you go into plastic training pants for the rest of the day" rule for a while with a couple of my kids. Very upbeat and positive, but "Oh, you've used up your underwear for today. Time for plastic pants. You can try again with just the underwear tomorrow." I can't remember if we used training underwear or cloth diapers under the plastic pants, but either would work. You can even put on two pairs of training underwear under the plastic pants.

This was more for my sake than for the kids, since cleaning up 3 accidents per day was about my limit of frustration at that stage. The plastic pants kept things contained so clean-up was easier, and were also less comfortable for the kids so they wanted to avoid them, but it was not a punishment the way we presented it.

Remember that if you punish or get upset about accidents (even if you think the kid is doing it on purpose), it can cause other issues like withholding and encopresis, which you do NOT want to have to deal with--I know people who have had that happen.

I've always felt it was very important to keep potty training positive and low-key, since little kids have big feelings about what's happening anyway. Some get scared of having something come out of their body that they don't have control over, some are afraid they're losing something important forever whenever the poop or pee goes away, some are afraid of the toilet flushing or of getting splashed, some think their poop will get scared or drown in the water or some other body part might fall in, some want to try to stop going to the bathroom forever when they are constipated or have diarrhea one day and it hurts a bit or feels wierd, and some accidentally pick up a message that going to the bathroom is somehow dirty or bad and want to make it go away or hide it. The emotions and thoughts can be so complex and varied, and kids are not necessarily able to articulate them.

It's easy to assume that a child is being naughty or stubborn, but kids don't have accidents on purpose just to annoy Mom and Dad.

Even if they are doing something like asserting control over their bodies, I don't think punishment is likely to help, and has much potential to cause problems. A matter-of-fact approach to having them sit on the potty, giving them positive associations (such as reading stories or singing songs) or something cheerful to keep their minds busy with, giving them choices related to using the potty whenever possible (which underwear to wear, choosing between using the potty or cleaning up after their accident, etc.) and at the same time giving them other areas of life where they can feel they have choices and control is likely to be helpful in such situations.

I've known of many dogs that had a similar issue--someone had punished the dog in the past for having accidents in the house, and so the dog now hides and tries to never let any human know it is going to the bathroom, because it thinks it will be punished for going to the bathroom. This, of course, results in withholding when the human is trying to get them to go and then having accidents back in a corner somewhere when people are not looking. Not that you can compare kids and dogs, but the same type of thing can happen with kids and potty training.

Remember, too, that you are not alone. Every other parent has also dealt with this issue. If you're running out of ideas or patience, remember to reach out. Someone is sure to have an idea you haven't tried yet, or at least to be able to offer understanding and encouragement.

I'd love to hear any ideas that have been helpful for others--feel free to share in the comments, or post on your own blog and share a link.