More on Potty Accidents

I really shouldn't write posts after my brain has gone to bed for the night, even if I think I got a bit of a second wind. :) I realized that my post of yesterday probably made it sound like lots of toilet accidents are normal up until age 9 or 10, and that's not the case. It's also not necessarily true that all kids will have regressions.

Certainly it's possible for kids to be reliably potty trained by age 2 or 3, or even before age 1. Some kids are aware enough of their bodies to be able to know when they need to go to the bathroom and get themselves there by that age without being reminded, while others are not. Many kids are mature enough to do it by themselves sometimes, while still needing to be reminded at other times.

Ebee was able to take herself to the bathroom pretty reliably without reminding (as long as there wasn't too much extra excitement) by barely age 2, although she still occasionally had accidents. Now, by age 4, she almost never needs reminding and her accidents are pretty rare--maybe once a month to once every few months. Another of my kids is still occasionally going through phases of having frequent accidents (a few times a week to a few times a day) past beginning gradeschool age.

Many kids potty train very quickly, and others take much longer. Some kids just decide to potty train themselves one day, put on big kid underwear and never look back.

However, if your child doesn't take to it that quickly, or still needs regular reminding by the time they are preschool or kindergarten age, that can be normal. Being fully potty trained, having very few accidents or none at all for a few days, weeks or even months, and then regressing to having a lot of accidents again for a while is also very normal. Something as simple as a growth spurt or getting new clothes can trigger this.

According to most resources I've read, many if not most children will have accidents for 6 months or more after they are basically potty trained. Many resources suggest that if your child has been fully potty trained with no accidents for a year or more, and then suddenly starts having a lot of accidents, especially if this lasts for more than a few days, there might be an underlying problem. That would be something to look into further and discuss with the child's doctor, especially if there's not an obvious reason like a new baby in the family.

I've seen a statistic several different places that 15% of gradeschool-age children still have daytime potty accidents. If your child is still having what seems like an excessive number of accidents past about age 5, or has a regression or seems to be making backwards progress after age 4, it is probably something you'll want to least mention to the pediatrician. A 9 or 10 year old having accidents more frequently than a few times a year is definitely something I would be talking to her doctor about.

Stool accidents may be more of a concern after age 4 or 5 than the occasional urinary accident. But even older kids and adults can have incontinence from causes like severe diarrhea due to illness or too much fruit, of course. And you probably know that if your child ever experiences pain with urination, it's time to call the doctor.

Disorders such as interstitial cystitis, overactive bladder, or an unusually small bladder can be present even in children who are quite young, and if there is a physical issue that causes urinary or bowel incontinence you will want to figure that out sooner rather than later. Other less obvious factors such as ADHD, sensory integration issues or even giftedness can affect toilet training and the propensity to accidents, or can affect what methods work for teaching and motivation.

I'm not a doctor, so these are just my own thoughts based on my limited research, experience and talking with other parents. You know your own child best, and you are the best one to decide when it might be time to consult the doctor. It never hurts to mention a concern to the pediatrician when your child is in for a checkup, even if he or she is just going to assure you that your child is perfectly normal. :) Many medical offices or HMOs have advice nurses that can be consulted over the phone also.

A couple of things I forgot to mention that might help with a kid who is having accidents: Work with them to make sure they are emptying their bladder and bowels fully when they do go to the bathroom. Also, doing Kegel exercises can help them develop control. Boys can do Kegels too!

Another thing to look at is whether they are getting things like caffeine, lots of fruit juice, or other foods known to be diuretic in their diet.

I enjoyed this article on potty accidents, reminding the reader what it's like to be in the shoes of a young child, and some of the reasons accidents can happen. There are several reasons mentioned there that I didn't cover, but which seem to make a lot of sense.

Here's another article from the University of Michigan on toilet training resistance. I haven't experienced this issue enough to know how helpful the suggestions are, but if anyone reading has dealt with it feel free to add your suggestions in the comments.

Potty Accidents

I just wrote a reply to someone on Facebook who was asking about their child regressing and having potty accidents. Since I have quite a few first-time parents in my circle who are going through this stage, I thought I'd expand it a bit and post it here in case it was helpful for someone.

My older post on Potty Training 101 covers the basics of potty training and beginning toilet training, but doesn't go into as much depth on accidents and regression.

Potty accidents and regression are part of childhood. Things like stress or changes in routine can trigger them, or they can happen when the distraction level goes up and kids forget to pay attention to their bodies or don't want to take time away from something exciting to use the potty. I think even a kid going through a developmental stage where they need to concentrate most of their energy on some other milestone they're working on can cause accidents or regression.

Of course, you always want to pay attention and be aware of potential causes like illness, food intolerances or allergies, overfatigue, UTIs, bladder infections, or even urinary reflux or other medical issues. If other things aren't working and it continues without improvement, I would always suggest asking your child's doctor about it.

Remember that a child's being able to realize they need to go to the bathroom in time, and then TELLING you or doing something about it before it's too late, is the very last stage in potty training. That takes a different level of maturity than being able to go to the bathroom when they sit on the potty and then hold it for a while.

If the distraction level has gone up in any way this can be a lot harder for kids. Sometimes even much older kids (9 or 10 year olds or even older) occasionally have trouble remembering to stop their play and take the time out to go to the bathroom before it's too late. It can vary so much from child to child how long potty training takes, and how reliable they are after that. Some 2 or 3 year olds are able to take themselves to the potty by themselves reliably, but others will need reminding. A child under age 4 or 5 will often need to be reminded, and some kids may even need reminding (especially if there's extra excitement going on) until they are quite a bit older.

Having set times scheduled into the day when it's time to sit on the potty for a few minutes, whether he feels like he needs to go or not, can be really helpful. I would suggest either working it into your routine (when you get up, after meals, mid-morning/mid-afternoon, when arriving or leaving places, before bed, etc.) or setting a timer.

We started out with setting the timer for every 30 minutes for beginning potty training, and then gradually increased the time. A timer really helps to take the battle out of it for reluctant kids, because it's the timer saying it's time, not just Mommy being arbitrary. If your child was already potty trained and is having a regression, consider setting a timer for every 1.5 hours or so and then maybe you'll be able to gradually stretch the time out from there.

What we have done about accidents is just in a matter-of-fact way have the child (to the best of his ability) help clean up the mess. Depending on their age, they can do everything from washing themselves to washing the floor to doing laundry. Even the littles can help with these chores, even if they can't do it all by themselves. Try to keep your expectations of what they can do age-appropriate to keep them from being overwhelmed, but don't underestimate their abilities either. You can always go along after them and touch up. :)

I did have a "three accidents in a day and you go into plastic training pants for the rest of the day" rule for a while with a couple of my kids. Very upbeat and positive, but "Oh, you've used up your underwear for today. Time for plastic pants. You can try again with just the underwear tomorrow." I can't remember if we used training underwear or cloth diapers under the plastic pants, but either would work. You can even put on two pairs of training underwear under the plastic pants.

This was more for my sake than for the kids, since cleaning up 3 accidents per day was about my limit of frustration at that stage. The plastic pants kept things contained so clean-up was easier, and were also less comfortable for the kids so they wanted to avoid them, but it was not a punishment the way we presented it.

Remember that if you punish or get upset about accidents (even if you think the kid is doing it on purpose), it can cause other issues like withholding and encopresis, which you do NOT want to have to deal with--I know people who have had that happen.

I've always felt it was very important to keep potty training positive and low-key, since little kids have big feelings about what's happening anyway. Some get scared of having something come out of their body that they don't have control over, some are afraid they're losing something important forever whenever the poop or pee goes away, some are afraid of the toilet flushing or of getting splashed, some think their poop will get scared or drown in the water or some other body part might fall in, some want to try to stop going to the bathroom forever when they are constipated or have diarrhea one day and it hurts a bit or feels wierd, and some accidentally pick up a message that going to the bathroom is somehow dirty or bad and want to make it go away or hide it. The emotions and thoughts can be so complex and varied, and kids are not necessarily able to articulate them.

It's easy to assume that a child is being naughty or stubborn, but kids don't have accidents on purpose just to annoy Mom and Dad.

Even if they are doing something like asserting control over their bodies, I don't think punishment is likely to help, and has much potential to cause problems. A matter-of-fact approach to having them sit on the potty, giving them positive associations (such as reading stories or singing songs) or something cheerful to keep their minds busy with, giving them choices related to using the potty whenever possible (which underwear to wear, choosing between using the potty or cleaning up after their accident, etc.) and at the same time giving them other areas of life where they can feel they have choices and control is likely to be helpful in such situations.

I've known of many dogs that had a similar issue--someone had punished the dog in the past for having accidents in the house, and so the dog now hides and tries to never let any human know it is going to the bathroom, because it thinks it will be punished for going to the bathroom. This, of course, results in withholding when the human is trying to get them to go and then having accidents back in a corner somewhere when people are not looking. Not that you can compare kids and dogs, but the same type of thing can happen with kids and potty training.

Remember, too, that you are not alone. Every other parent has also dealt with this issue. If you're running out of ideas or patience, remember to reach out. Someone is sure to have an idea you haven't tried yet, or at least to be able to offer understanding and encouragement.

I'd love to hear any ideas that have been helpful for others--feel free to share in the comments, or post on your own blog and share a link.

This sock is not disposable

I'm currently learning how to knit socks. The project may have been a bit ambitious for my first attempt at knitting something more complicated than a dishcloth, and my first attempt at knitting anything other than a gauge swatch in probably at least ten years. But I do love a challenge. And learning to knit in the round on multiple double-pointed needles was certainly not boring.

Trying to figure out how to turn the heel from pictures and words on websites, without having anyone to show me in person, was more challenging. And frustrating. I did come pretty close to giving up once. Well, maybe a lot more than once.

But when I finally successfully got the heel turned, I was elated. A couple of days later, when I finally finished the first sock, I had quite a sense of accomplishment. Sure, my first sock has a few mistakes in it. Probably more mistakes than you can count.

There are gaps running along the length of the sock where I didn't pull the yarn tight enough when transitioning between needles. The toe is a little oddly-shaped. The purl stitches in one row don't line up with the ribbing in the next. And there's a strange little spot on the ankle where I somehow managed to twist about 5 stitches completely backwards. My best guess is that I accidentally turned the needle around with those stitches on it while working that row. I'm not sure, but I think I accidentally figured out how to make something like a cable. It actually doesn't look that bad on.

Even with all the mistakes, it's recognizably a sock. And it fits my kids' feet. AJ tried on the completed sock and promptly wanted to wear it all day. She loves it. Both of the other girls clamored to try it on too, and all begged to wear it. That is, of course, very gratifying. But I told them that they at least have to wait until the other sock is finished before they start wearing them.



I think I'm hooked. I've actually already started the next pair--this time a toe-up pattern. But, wait, first I need to make the second sock from the first pair. I guess I can have two pairs going at once. Let's just hope they both get finished. :)

Knitting socks is fun. But it's also a lot of work. And sock yarn is expensive! I think the only way, nowadays, that knitting my own socks would actually save money was if I unraveled old sweaters to get the yarn. There's quite an investment in time and money in making handmade socks.

Some of the sock patterns I've found online have what's called an "afterthought" heel and/or toe. Besides looking cute, the touted benefit to this style of heel and toe is that they're replaceable. When you wear a hole in the heel, you can just rip out the old heel and knit or crochet in a new one.

I've found myself thinking a lot, as I work on knitting socks, about the disposability of clothing nowadays. It used to be that everyone (or at least every female and quite a few males) knew how to mend clothing, darn socks, patch holes, repair broken zippers, and remake clothing that was too worn for repair into something new.

Nowadays, if a sock gets a hole in it, most of us throw it away. Even removing stains and odors from laundry is becoming, for some, a lost art. Sometimes it's easier to just throw it away.

To some extent, there is some sense in deciding it's not worth the time and energy to repair something that can be replaced for far less than the value of the time that would be spent fixing it. But I can't help but feel as though we've lost something.

As a culture, we no longer value and care for most of our possessions the way we once did. Our landfills are cluttered with things that are often still usable or could be repaired or recycled in some way. We spend money lightly on things that were manufactured for pennies in factories by machines, or by humans who struggle to survive on far less than a living wage. When those things lose their shine, we throw them away and buy new ones. There's a constant drive to make things cheaper, while often true quality gets lost. Who cares how long it's going to last, if they're going to get bored and throw it away or replace it with a newer version before it wears out anyway?

I find myself feeling nostalgic for a culture where things represented a personal effort, and some care and skill on someone's part. Where people had far fewer possessions, but valued the few they had much more.

I doubt I'll stop using paper plates or buying cheap things completely. But I might think a little more carefully about how I take care of our possessions, and try not to treat non-disposable things as if they were disposable. I might choose to buy something of quality that someone made with care, instead of just buying the cheapest one. Hopefully I'll choose a little more often to buy things that were made by people who were paid a fair price for their labor.

I definitely plan to learn how to darn handmade socks. After all that work, my hand-knitted socks are going to stay around as long as possible.

Running away to . . . home

Last night AJ (age 8) said, "I was thinking of running away to join the gypsies. But there where 'do whatever you want to do, and don't do anything you don't want to do' was the rule, I would just want to run straight home again. I've been thinking about it, and it's actually pretty nice having a mom and a dad. But I would certainly pack some magic tricks and a gypsy outfit to carry back with me. And a crystal ball."

Happy 2010

There's much to be thankful for from 2009.

Things like God, family, and friends of course go at the top of the list. We are so blessed in those areas. Spending a lot of time with family and friends over the last few weeks has made us realize again how much we enjoy being with our extended families and friends.

Of course, being married to the most amazing man on the planet does give me a lot to be thankful for. :)

This year my health has also improved quite a bit (and/or I've gotten better at pacing myself and limiting activities--still learning that balance thing. :) ). It's particularly telling looking back and realizing that at the beginning of 2009 I was using a cane, and now haven't used it for months.

Our friend and honorary daughter NLASS moved in with us in 2009--she is truly a gift from God.

We have had our lives much enriched by furry friends--we started Mira's service dog training (she can be a huge help to me in pacing myself, minimizing pain levels and letting me know when I'm about to have a "crash" or am overdoing it) and also started raising and showing satin and mini satin rabbits, which the girls and I enjoy immensely.

Homeschooling, housekeeping, parenting and marriage all seem to be at a pretty good place right now, which is a great blessing (typing this may be a bad thing . . . don't breathe--we don't want to upset the balance!).

DH is very good at his job and has good job security, which is also a great blessing.

We're making progress in the areas that were our biggest goals and concerns this year, thanks in part to help from other people or resources. The kids are all doing well and in general we're enjoying life.

We've had some losses and some sadness this year, but also much joy.

I have been feeling lately that I really have no right to be so blessed and happy, with life so full of good things.

May 2010 be a blessed year for everyone!