Impeccable timing

I was really glad this morning that I had just finished reading the Sanford book and was armed with great ideas to make problems caused by the kids' behavior be their problem and not my problem. :)

M&M loves gymnastics and is very good at it, and constantly practices at home. The problem is that she doesn't always look before she leaps. She knows that she *should* look around to make sure nobody is in the way before turning a cartwheel or practicing a handstand, but getting her to actually remember to do it is another story.

This morning provided the perfect learning opportunity. M&M was feeling particularly grumpy and "forgot" to ask Ebee to move before doing a summersault onto her.

Ebee got a bloody nose. She dripped it all down the front of her clothes (including a leotard borrowed from M&M--what a perfect coincidence), onto her doll, and on the carpet from the playroom downstairs to the family room where I was.

Rather than getting angry or going into lecture mode, I went into urgent but calm concern.

Giving Ebee a hug and comforting her, I called out, "M&M, come quickly! Ebee's nose is bleeding from your summersault onto her. Take a cool wet washcloth and have her hold it on her nose. Get her into the bathroom and help her stop the bleeding. Then you'll need to get the bloodstains out of her clothes, the doll, and the carpet. Hurry; it's almost time to leave for gymnastics and you don't have much time!"

She kept saying things like, "But I didn't mean to hurt her!" and "I can't do this--it's too much work."

I would respond sympathetically but unmovingly. "Yes, I know. I'm sorry this happened. It's a big job cleaning up something like this. But even though you didn't do it on purpose, your actions caused this problem and you are responsible for fixing it."

I gave her some coaching, but didn't do any of it for her. Having to clean up after a bloody nose certainly isn't something a parent could contrive on purpose, but it seemed like an ideal and memorable natural consequence to me.

Somehow I think she may be more likely to watch where she tumbles next time. :)

None of this is really new to me; I've used this type of response many times in the past (and my parents often did it with us). But it was helpful to have a reminder. I think having just read the book helped me to stay calm and matter-of-fact, not go into lecture mode, and resist stepping in to do it for her.

Discipline vs. Punishment

I am reading a book by Tom L. Sanford called, "If Parenting is a Three-Ring Circus, How Come I'm Not the Ringmaster?: Creative Ways to Raise Great Kids!"

I liked this quote from the beginning of Chapter Six: Discipline vs. Punishment:

Punishment is the emotional response to another's behavior that has less to do with their actions and more to do with the release of your emotional energy.

Punishment has little to do with one's misbehavior and a lot to do with the desire of another to inflict emotional or physical pain on the subject.

Discipline, on the other hand, deals with the consequences of one's own behavior. At that moment in time there is the opportunity to teach valuable lessons. Briefly speaking, this is your "teachable moment." Hence the word "discipline". Those are golden opportunities to disciple one who has learned a valuable lesson without demeaning, ridiculing, or treating one in a condescending manner."

Later in the chapter, he talks about how when a child makes a mistake or a poor choice, it is helpful to avoid overreacting and making it your problem. Instead, let it be their problem. Don't get upset. Just hold them responsible for fixing it.

He says, "Giving a child the right to respond and offer to fix the problem without a parent overreacting does wonders for relationships. Sometimes, because of age or other factors, it might be impossible for them to fix or resolve a problem. That is when you negotiate a deal. You'll take care of their problem if they will do something for you. My daughter learned how to mow the lawn and wash cars through such negotiations."

In the next chapter, his point is "If logic doesn't work, why use it?" He says that when there is a disagreement, we need to focus on love and forgiveness, not logic and being right.

So far I'm about halfway through the book, and have read a lot of interesting and amusing examples of natural and logical consequences used creatively and with good humor, very effectively. It's an interesting book.

Filling in the Gaps

I guess I never posted on the blog that NLASS got engaged and then moved out a few months ago to be with her fiance's family. We're still adjusting to that change, but we're managing.

My health is still greatly improved as long as I completely avoid excitotoxins in my diet, although I still have to pace myself and be careful not to overdo it.

We still have our dog, Mira, although I seldom need her help nowadays and she is no longer doing public access training. She is a much-beloved family pet and she still helps me at home on my bad days and enjoys training with me.

The girls and I are raising and showing rabbits, which we very much enjoy. Currently we're in the process of reducing our herd and redesigning the rabbitry to make things more manageable now that NLASS isn't here to help. I hope to have that project completed very soon, and will then turn my attention to more decluttering and organizing in the house (a never-ending project), planning the upcoming homeschool year, and fitting in some fun summer activities with the family.

Melting my Heart

Ebee came into my bedroom this morning, climbed into my lap for a snuggle, and said, "Mom, I'm going to be FIVE tomorrow!"

"Yes, you are," I said. "I can hardly believe it. Five is too old. I think you should stay four."

She shook her head. "Mom, I'm not going to stay four. I have to grow up."

"I know. But will you still be my little girl--my baby?"

She smiled up at me and hugged me more tightly. Then she said, "I'll be older. But I'll still love you."