Can infants lie?

There are a number of teachers and writers who say that infants can "lie" or be manipulative by crying when they aren't hungry, wet, or hurt. I remember reading somewhere that if a baby cried, and then stopped crying when you came into the room, they were being manipulative.

Personally, I was always touched and pleased when my baby stopped crying when she saw me coming (or heard me say I was coming) because, to me, that communicated that she loved and trusted me so much that she had complete confidence I would be able to take care of whatever her need was.

"Oh, Mommy is here! Everything will be all better now."

That, or she just wanted me.

I just can't imagine taking offense at the fact that my child finds comfort in my presence.

The thing is, babies can only communicate by crying. And they don't necessarily know why they are uncomfortable or how to fix it. They don't know if that pain in their tummy is hunger or gas or loneliness. They just know something's not right, and so they cry.

When someone thinks a baby is lying or manipulating because they are crying "just" because they want a parent nearby or want to be held, I wonder: It's a baby. It wants you. How do you expect it to communicate that, by sending you a telegram? If there's some unwritten rule that only "urgent needs" are allowed to be communicated by crying, then you'd better install a telegraph machine in the crib and teach the baby Morse Code so they can tell you if they're cold or bored or lonely, or the light from the window is glaring in their eyes, or whatever. But before you can do that, you have to teach them how to figure out why they're uncomfortable and what exactly will fix it.

Seriously, the idea that babies can lie presupposes that they know exactly why they're uncomfortable, have figured out how to fix it, guess that you won't think it is important enough to fix, know exactly what you WILL think is important enough to fix, know how to communicate differently for each of these things, and so calculate mentally the exact frequency and intensity of crying to try to make you think they are hungry, when they know that really they are lonely and just want to be held--but if they only tell you that they want to be held, you might not do it. Oh, and they also must understand that they can communicate something specific to you, and that a particular cry on their part will bring about a particular response on your part that would be different from your response to a different cry. And then figure out which cry to emit. And have the muscle tone, voice modulation and air control to make the sound come out exactly the way they planned.

So they think ahead and scheme to try to make you think they are hurt or hungry by crying at a particular megahertz and frequency to communicate something they know is not true to get you to do something specific that they have in mind.

The idea that babies can actually lie presupposes an understanding of truth and fiction, cause and effect, object permanence, communication, predicting another's actions, calculating exactly what stimulus will be likely to give rise to a particular response, and a number of other quite advanced reasoning and interpersonal skills.

If the baby actually had the capability to do that, they probably could send you a telegram.

I do think that once they're a little older, they are experimenting with and beginning to learn about things like cause and effect and object permanence. ("I don't see Mommy. If I cry, will she appear from somewhere, or is she gone forever??")

But at the age when they still don't even understand that their own hands are attached to their arms, I think the biggest thing they learn from our response to their crying is that they're not alone in the world. When they need something, they will be cared for and when they call, someone will answer.* And that's foundational to all sorts of other truths and skills in life. To me, that concept is even foundational to my faith.



*Obviously there are times when a parent can't always answer immediately.