Happy Valentine's Day

Yesterday the kids went to a Valentine's Day party with some friends from school and Baby Nae and I hung out with Morning.  In the evening I took AJ on a date while DH took the two middle girls shopping for birthday presents for AJ. AJ,  Nae and I found just what we're we're looking for--some black shoes for AJ that would "go with everything. "

Today we celebrate AJ's 13th birthday with a casual roller skating outing with a few of her friends. 13! I can hardly believe she's a teenager already. She is turning into a delightful,  level-headed,  confident , kind and compassionate young lady. It's amazing to me how much she has grown up,  matured and levelled out these last few years. She's truly a wonderful young person. I'll see if I can get a good bloggy picture of her to post soon.

Wordless Wednesday: Bubbles

Wordless Wednesday: Baby Nae at 7 weeks

10 Day Pics

Baby Nae,  10 days old. She is such a delight--even when she's wide awake and wanting toplay at 2 a.m. :)

Just Waiting

Baby Girl's official due date is this Saturday. I've been having quite a few contractions, but with this being my 4th time around I haven't felt it was time to go to the hospital yet. They fluctuate in frequency and intensity, tending to be more regular and strong in the evenings.

At this point we have the most urgent things ready for the baby and, though there are more things I'd like to get done before she arrives, it would be fine for her to come any time.

I was in quite a bit of pain from my neck to my ankle (and everything in between) after taking a fall a week and a half or so ago, but some chiropractic adjustments helped quite a bit and although I'm still sore, the pain levels have gone down significantly in the last few days.

It's a whole different experience being pregnant with older kids than it was with preschoolers and toddlers. When Ebee was born, AJ was 4 and M&M was 3.

Now that Ebee is 8, M&M is 11 and AJ is 12 (she'll be 13 in February!), it's a whole different experience. I can nap when they're home and awake. Their "help" is actually helpful. They can even cook dinner, although they still need coaching and help for anything complicated.

Best of all, they are really great company and generally fun to be around. They're thriving in school and life and are generally happy, great kids who are well on their way to becoming productive members of society. None of the kids are having any major health or behavior issues (well, other than eBee acting like an 8-year-old and working through some normal transitions), and overall things are going pretty smoothly.

DH and I are in a good place in our relationship too, enjoying each others' company and making a good team.

I'm really enjoying life a lot lately. And, I'm finally feeling less nervous and more excited about adding the adventure of a new baby to the family.

Overall, life is good. Let's hope the lull lasts a while. :)

Transitions, again.

Ebee turned 8 years old today. I know it's a cliche', but I really can't believe how fast the time has gone by. She is a beautiful, healthy, active child. She seems to have grown out of all her food allergies and intolerances and currently has NO dietary restrictions (other than the normal try to eat a basic healthy balanced diet when we're at home stuff.).

M&M is 11 and is a bright, energetic ray of sunshine. Both M&M and Ebee are taking gymnastics lessons and loving that.

AJ is 12 years old and truly growing up. Even just in the last year her maturity levels, social skills and reasoning/impulse control have come leaps and bounds. She's maturing into a confident, sensible, generally contented young person. She's been involved in music, drama and dance, among other things, and is really enjoying that.

We still have the kids in a hybrid school where they go to school half the week and do their assigned schoolwork at home the other half (alternate days). That is working very well for us, and they are truly thriving both academically and in other ways.

I'm still plugging along, dealing with health issues but very much enjoying living in the country, having animals, and being more able to enjoy the kids with less energy taken up by their schooling.

DH is still working as a computer guru at the same job, and he is very involved with church activities and with the kids. He also arranges and takes the kids to most of their activities.

Life seemed to be at least headed toward settling into a pretty good routine. We thought we had a pretty good idea of what the next few years would look like, at least in general. We were solidly settled into the stage of life where we're parenting school-age kids. Everyone can take themselves to the bathroom, make themselves a sandwich, mostly be responsible for their own pets, even do their own laundry. Life is good.

Then we found out that we were expecting a baby.

Yep.

She's due in early December.

The girls are beside themselves with excitement.

Wow.

Hang on for the ride, folks . . . life is unpredictable and exciting! :)

Handling Hitting and Hurtful Words

One thing the Lord has been teaching me in parenting is to focus on what the child needs to learn--what I do want them to do--and how to help them get there and develop the tools they need to successfully do that. This is a whole different mindset than focusing on what I don't want them to do and punishing them with the primary goal of making them feel bad or simply stopping the behavior in the moment.

If I can approach a situation with the thought, "What does this child need to learn, what skills and tools do they need, and how can I help them develop those?" it seems my parenting is much more effective.

When a child uses uses physical or verbal violence, I take it as a sign that they are experiencing strong feelings and do not yet have the tools or skills to handle them in an appropriate way. (I would define verbal violence as things like calling names, making threats or saying mean things intended to be hurtful--a matter of simple volume or tone we handle differently, mainly by just having them try again with help/modeling if needed.)

In a nutshell, my approach to a child's verbal or physical violence follows this general pattern: Removal/cooling down, restitution, education (practicing the appropriate way to handle the situation instead), and prevention.
The restitution and education are the most important parts--the cooling down and prevention stages may or may not need to be included, depending on the situation.

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• 1. Removal & cooling down.
  
  Using physical or verbal violence is a bit of a unique case in that someone is actually being or in danger of being hurt. So the first order of business is to set limits to protect the person being hurt.
  
  In our house that often means somehow removing the offending child from the situation: not as a punishment, but as a way to protect the person being hurt and give the hitter/yeller a chance to calm down and get their thoughts in order.
  
  This can include a few minutes sitting or lying down somewhere away from the person they are angry at, running or doing some other physical activity, getting a drink of water and taking some deep breaths, wrapping themselves in a blanket, spending a couple of minutes in the comfort corner cuddling a stuffed animal or expressing their feelings in art, balancing a peacock feather on their palm (this takes concentration and calmness!), or whatever is most effective for that child's particular needs and personality to help them calm down.
  
  I don't give them a particular time period they have to stay there, but tell them to let me know when they feel calm enough to discuss the situation. I do make sure they don't get distracted or take longer doing something like coloring beyond the time needed to calm themselves down. Usually I just have them sit somewhere quiet and take deep breaths or run a couple of laps around the back yard, so that rarely becomes an issue. With my older girls, I know I can't let them start reading a book or playing with dolls because that becomes too great a distraction. :)
  
  Sometimes the child doesn't need a cool-down period and can go straight to restitution, but sometimes they need it both as a way to protect the child being hurt and emphasize that such behavior is not acceptable, and also to get to a mental state where they're willing to make restitution and able to learn.

• 2. Restitution
  
  The solution after that will include making restitution. This could include an apology, saying kind things if something mean was said, giving back what was grabbed to try a more appropriate way of handling the situation, getting an ice pack to soothe the injury when they hit someone, etc.
  
  I don't force apologies if the child is not ready or willing, but depending on the situation I may offer an alternative (like giving a hug or writing a note if they are having trouble verbalizing it), or work more on discussing the situation to help them empathize with the person and understand that they hurt them and desire to make it right.
  
  I do insist on and enforce restitution if necessary, though I prefer to leave room for them to do it willingly first.


• 3. Education
  
  We also spend some time focusing on education--giving the child the tools they need to respond more appropriately and, if necessary, setting boundaries to help keep them from hurting someone while they are in the learning process.
  
  The development of tools at this point usually consists of me helping them set up the situation again as it was just before the violence happened, and walking them through one or more ways to get their needs met and communicate their feelings in that situation appropriately. I literally have them go through the motions and act it out while I help them brainstorm. I like to have them come up with their own solutions whenever possible, but I make suggestions and give coaching as needed.


• 4. Prevention
  
  Depending on the situation, we may or may not need to take further proactive steps to prevent the problem happening again right away. This can help set the child up for success while they are learning and developing the skills needed to navigate the situation.
  
  Sometimes, especially if it has been a repeated offense or an item was used to hit someone, the prevention will include steps like putting the toy that was used as a weapon out of reach until they are ready to try again at a later time (you abuse it, you lose it), restrictions on activity ("don't touch your sister without express verbal permission since you are having trouble respecting her personal space,") or me keeping them within easy voice and arm's reach so that I can help them stop themselves before they hurt someone, especially if a young child is having trouble stopping themselves from hitting or biting.
  
  I have a few times used a soft belt around each of our waists and a line to tether a young child to me for part of the day so that we can be sure she stays close enough to me to keep an eye on her if she was having trouble listening and staying near me without it. When I did this recently with my youngest she actually very much enjoyed it, as it was an opportunity for extra attention and positive interactions with mom. We laughed a lot, chatted, and worked together on things like laundry.

The goal is to teach.

The important thing is that all of this is not done in a shaming or punitive way, but in a grace-filled and constructive way. It can be hard work to keep my tone matter-of-fact and gracious rather than shaming, but if I can accomplish this is helps so much toward creating an environment conducive to learning.

It is sometimes hard to get past the mentality that the goal of discipline is to make the child feel bad, and if they're enjoying it then it must not be a good "punishment". But if I can remember that the goal is helping them learn, and giving them the tools they need to behave appropriately, then it can be OK and even helpful for them to have fun learning.

Certainly sometimes consequences are hard for them to handle, and they will cry and be upset. That's when I have to double-check to make sure I'm not having a punitive attitude and that the consequence is logical, fits the crime, and is designed to teach, and then be OK with the fact that their actions and the consequences are causing the child temporary pain as part of the learning process. Scripture makes it pretty clear that discipline and the learning process are not always fun. :) But whether and how much the child dislikes the learning process does not necessarily correlate with how effectively they learn from the situation.

Sometimes learning hurts, but it's the learning that's the goal and not specifically the pain. In our family we don't artificially inflict extra pain to try to make the learning more effective, but we don't step in and try to protect the child from ever feeling hurt or upset about the consequences of their actions either. We don't try to protect them from painful natural consequences unless it's something potentially dangerous, either.

Young children may require a simplified approach.

With young children too young to verbalize or understand the issues, handling such situations is mostly going to be a matter of physically preventing them from hurting someone, while repeating ad nauseum the idea that hitting, biting or whatever hurts and will not be allowed (i.e. "Don't bite. Biting hurts.").

For that 2-year-old going through the hitting/biting stage, it may mean that for a while Mom and Dad have to be very intentional about keeping that child within arm's length on playdates. Sometimes it may require ending the play time early or holding the child where they can't reach anyone else until they are ready to try again.

From a very young age, I like to go ahead and start helping them practice acceptable alternatives as much as possible so that they will be natural to the child as soon as they are old enough to understand and practice them. Sometimes you'll need to talk for them in asking nicely to have a turn instead of grabbing or in using words to say "I'm mad" instead of hitting.

Giving appropriate physical outlets for strong or angry feelings, such as jumping up and down, running, or teaching the sign language for "angry" (hitting their fist against the palm of the other hand--a wonderfully physical but non-harmful expression of their feelings) can make all the difference for a child who has a strong need to express their big feelings in a physical way. Redirecting a behavior can be worlds easier than just stopping it without giving them anything else to do with those feelings.

Remember that a 2-year-old is going to act like a 2-year-old no matter what you do, and there are certain developmental stages they go through and things that are a long process to learn no matter what parenting approach you use. Whatever way you choose to handle things like toddlers hitting or biting, you are likely going to have to repeat tens, hundreds, or thousands of times, depending on the child. I recommend choosing a response that is age-appropriate and that you feel comfortable repeating over and over and over; a response that will not require escalating into a potentially dangerous situation if it (inevitably, with many children) doesn't work after the first few times.

It takes time.

Above all, I find it helpful to remember that my job is to help the child learn. I am here to give them the support and help they need to go through the developmental stages all children go through in their own unique way. The focus is on helping them learn the skills and tools that will allow them to interact appropriately with others and handle life well.

It's a long-term learning process, not a single event.

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(Parenting posts on this blog will generally be tagged "Parenting" so you can pull them all up at once if desired.)

In Ebee's Words

10 points to anyone who can accurately guess what eBee was talking about just now when she said,

"Mom, I was trying to det a drink of water dust now, and the water dust went right out of the sink! Even it pretended to be FIRE!"

Better

Finally, after 3 and 1/2 weeks, I seem to be getting over this cold. Everyone else in the family had it too, but they were all only sick for a couple of days or so. I've actually felt like I had a bit of energy yesterday and today.

I finally found a denist that I think is a good fit for me. Today he fixed several problem fillings that previous dentists had done poorly, and also some other issues. I was really impressed with his chairside manner, his demeanor, his knowledge about both traditional and alternative approaches to dental health, the thoroughness and goodwill with which he answered all my questions, and the good quality of his work.

My front teeth look so much better now--I'm no longer embarrassed to smile. And my back teeth in one quadrant of my mouth are fixed so that they're smooth, pain-free, and no longer have gaps and shelves under and between fillings that serve as food and floss traps. I'm very pleased.

The one bad thing was that I had to have so much anesthetic to have 4 different teeth worked on. It made my lip swell up visibly huge, and numbed my face all the way up to my eyes. Apparently the eye nerves were affected by the anesthetic, because it actually messed up my vision for a few hours. And I think there was enough of it spread through my system that it sort of made all my muscles relaxed. That made walking a bit of a challenge when I got done. :)

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After the appointment I was so dizzy, tired, weak and having trouble seeing (because of the anesthetic affecting my eyes) that I didn't feel I could safely drive. So I hung out at Trader Joe's, leaning on a cart for balance and trying to walk it off for as long as I could before I had to go get the kids from the sitter so she could pick up her daughter for school.

I still don't feel quite normal (wait a minute--what's normal?), but I'm sure it will have worn off completely by tomorrow. These sorts of things always affect me more and take longer to wear off than for most people.

I'm sitting on the sofa with the laptop right now, relaxing while Mira picks up all the kids' toys, the remote control and any other random objects she finds and brings them to me, hoping I'll give her a treat.

Mira is doing so well with her training. She is getting quite good at picking up shoes and toys and putting them away in their respective bins. She's learning how to turn lights on and off. If I give her something and ask her to take it to DH, she'll find him and give it to him even if he's in another part of the house. Then she'll deliver something back to me if he asks her to. She finds my phone and brings it to me when it rings. She picks up things I drop (or anything I point to) and hands them to me to save me from having to bend over. She can even pick up a dropped credit card on a hard floor--quite a feat for a dog. And, if I hand her money or a credit card she will hand it to the person I indicate, even if she has to do "paws up" on a counter to hand it to a cashier.

Yesterday I started introducing her to the electric shopping carts at a grocery store. It will take a little bit of practice to get her used to working with one, but I think that will help so much in conserving energy on shopping trips if I really need to go shopping on a day that the pain and fatigue are especially bad. Right now she thinks the cart is some strenge beast that's trying to steal me away, I think. :)

I'm working with Mira with a laser pointer, too, so that eventually I'll be able to indicate a specific item on the floor, on a shelf or across the room for her to get and bring to me. She's pretty good at telling when I'm getting toward the end of my energy or am about to have a migraine or a "crash" and alerting for me, too.

Mira loves to jog on the treadmill the SIL The Mentor and Biology Teacher BIL gave to us, and that helps a lot on the days I don't feel up to walking her much.

She has been doing marvelously well in being more comfortable around both people and other dogs, so much that I've been able to start working with her regularly in non-dog-friendly places like stores.

On another note, the kids and I are adjusting to a new homeschool schedule. We added some new subjects, and my mom helped make schedules for the layout of the day and for what the kids need to do in each subject per day. It's so helpful to have that more organized, with times built in for breaks and periods where I can relax a bit while the kids work on things they can do idependently or have recess, in between the more teacher-intensive subjects.

Even Ebee has some educational things and Montessori activities to do while the older girls are doing school. The goal is to get everything done between 9 and 2, but we're still working on that part.

DH's job is going really well, and as always he is a huge help to me. And now, I'm going to go spend some time with him while the kids are gone at AWANA. :)

More Beach Photos

I couldn't resist posting a few more photos from this weekend. I love beach photos.



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Impromptu Trip

We took a wrong turn Satuday night and ended up at the coast, so we decided to make an adventure of it. We spent a night and day at the coast, then came halfway home and stayed at Adventurous BIL and Artistic SIL's house the second night. After an afternoon exploring and playing on their acreage, we finally came home just in time to cook dinner Monday night.

It was a great adventure that the kids and I will remember for a long time.



It's a good reminder that God can take even a wrong turn and make it into a beautiful thing.