Tips for getting toddlers to cooperate while shopping

A mom on another forum asked for ideas of how to handle her toddler who was taking things off the shelves in the store and not wanting to put them back when asked repeatedly. I typed up a reply and then thought maybe I would post it here also, in case it could be helpful to others.

• It's very helpful if you can tell kids what you DO want them to do rather than what you don't want them to do.
  
  For putting things back on the shelf, first try not to turn it into a battle if possible. Acknowledge her interest and feelings about the object, and make an observation about its special qualities. "Oh, you like that ball? It's really neat, isn't it? So bright and playful with the yellow polka-dots on the red ball." Or, "That's a box of muffin mix. It looks yummy, doesn't it? You like the blue box?"
  
  Then in a light, cooperative tone ask her to put it back and show her where it goes. You may need to physically pick her up and show her where to put it, but it's ideal if you can have her put it down without forcefully prying it out of her hand (both to avoid the battle and also just to treat her with respect).
  
  Sometimes a brief explanation is in order: "I know you really like that toy and want to keep it, but it's not our toy. It has to stay here at the store. Can you put it back on the shelf and say bye-bye to it? Bye bye, ball." Saying goodbye to things helps a ton for my 18-month-old.
  
  If she is hesitant, try to offer choices. "Do you want to put the ball on this shelf or leave it over here?"
  
  You can offer something else for her to carry or do to distract or interest her. My toddler loves to carry my purse or wear my watch or sunglasses. Or you can ask her to help get things off the shelf that you need to buy and carry them or put them in the cart.
  
  If all else fails, you may need to physically help her put it back, but sometimes you can save the day by giving her a choice: "Can you put the muffin mix back by yourself or do you need Mommy to help you?"
  
  Even if you end up having to wrestle it away from her to put it back, use it as an opportunity to help her identify and verbalize her emotions: "You feel sad and disappointed that you couldn't keep the ball. You really liked that ball and wanted to keep it, but it has to stay here." Then redirect her to doing something else like helping push the cart or get groceries.
  
  Also, with toddlers through grade schoolers while shopping, it really helps to plan ahead and make sure you are giving them things to keep them engaged, whether that be having them help shop or bringing toys along for them. Try not to shop when they are hungry or tired if possible, and bring snacks along or buy them a snack if needed. Be sensitive to keeping shopping trips as short as possible with little ones who tire quickly and have short attention spans.
  
  If my toddler is being too difficult to contain or keep up with in the store, I wrap her on my back and carry her that way. ;) The cart can also be used as a way to contain them and let them take a break if needed. In some situations, especially if the child is overstimulated or overtired and cannot be calmed or redirected, going to the car to let them have a few minutes of quiet to rest for a few minutes or just cutting the shopping trip short and going home may be necessary.

  
  Try to avoid telling a child repeatedly to do things. Ask once, calmly; show how to do it and offer choices, wait and give her time to do it, and then help her do it if needed. If you just keep saying the same thing over and over she will learn not to listen.
  
  When you ask/tell her to do something, be prepared to follow through and physically help her do it if she needs help--not in an angry or punishing way, but just matter-of-factly helping her. She's still learning, and will need lots of help and repetition. :)

11 months

Baby Nae will be a year old in a couple of weeks. As always, it seems like the time just flies by. Two years ago I never would have imagined my life as it is today. We thought we were done having babies; that we had left the baby and toddler stage, not to return until our kids were grown and we either became foster parents and/or became grandparents.

It's much different having a baby this time around. Last time I had a baby my oldest was 4. After that first hair-raising attempt, I never even took a shower without locking all three kids in the bathroom with me if I was home by myself with them. Home alone with three little ones while DH was at work, I couldn't nap if any of them were awake. I could never let my guard down for a moment.

I worried a lot as a young mom . . . worried about all the "shoulds" and "must nots"--worried that I would spoil my baby by holding her too much and picking her up when she cried; worried that I would somehow accidentally permanently damage my children by making some minor unknowing mistake in the way we did bedtime or meals or whatever; worried that my kids would never learn to sleep at night or learn socially appropriate behavior; worried that my 5-year-old stealing a toy would, if I didn't respond exactly right, grow up to be a shoplifter. I knew that gentle discipline was the right choice for our family, but I worried about whether it would really "work" to raise kids without spanking or other punitive punishments. I also worried way too much about what other people thought.

Now, my older three kids are 13, 12, and 9. And, while they're not perfect, of course; they are utterly awesome, amazing, wonderful young people. They're not spoiled brats. They're generally polite and respectful, happy, and relatively responsible. They have age-appropriate struggles and behaviors, but they also seem to have skipped a lot of the problematic issues that many kids their age seem to struggle with. We're constantly working on relationship and communication skills, but overall I think we have a great family with generally good relationships. We like each other, and we generally interact gently and respectfully with each other. We are usually able to talk through and solve problems while helping everyone to feel heard, and that's important. Oh, and they aren't picky eaters, can even cook a meal, and sleep through the night. ;)

Our kids are living proof that you don't have to do everything perfectly right as a parent to end up with really great kids that are a joy to be around. :)

With Baby Nae, in many ways I feel like I was given a "do-over" with parenting a baby. I'm so much more relaxed this time around. I no longer worry about spoiling my baby; I can just enjoy her.

There are several other differences this time around. All four kids are healthy and doing well, and our current school, extracurricular activities and lifestyle are generally a good fit for us. I have so much more help and support, between DH and the older kids who are usually glad to volunteer their help with the baby so I can shower, take a nap or just catch my breath for a few minutes. DH and I are in a better place in our marriage, and have better communication and relationship skills than we did 10 years ago. Both of us are physically and emotionally healthier than we have been in the past. That makes a big difference. Even seemingly small things like getting my milk supply regulated and discovering more comfortable and efficient babywearing methods make a big difference.

The clinical study I participated in early in 2009 was life-changing for me, and I'm still seeing a significant improvement in my health issues and neurological symptoms since removing excitotoxins from my diet. I still struggle, but it's much more manageable when I'm careful what I eat as well as doing my best to get enough rest and keep a reasonable pace to avoid adrenaline surges. Getting the EDS diagnosis has helped me to take caring for my body more seriously, knowing that any kind of physical overexertion can have permanent negative effects, since my connective tissues won't heal properly after being overextended.

I'm sure many of the above factors have contributed to the fact that I did not have postpartum depression this time around, as I did after my first two children were born. Having a healthy baby with no postpartum depression to cope with makes the whole experience of having a baby ever so much more enjoyable.

I still struggle a lot with health issues. What this means, basically, is that I have little to no time or energy for anything beyond the necessities of daily life. It takes all my reserves just to get through the day with things like meals, diaper changes, ferrying kids to and from activities, and resting between things. I do have a couple of regular social activities that I attend on a regular basis . . . a faith-based couple's home group, and a babywearing support group. Each meets every other week or twice a month; and that's about all I can handle. With that, I'm usually able to add in one or two other outings or social interactions in a week. Some weeks I can't even handle one extra activity, and other weeks I might sometimes be able to handle three or possibly (rarely) even more.

At this point in my life, though, I'm getting a little better at accepting and working within my limitations.

And all of that together means that in general I'm really, genuinely enjoying life. I'm loving this season and enjoying it for all I'm worth.

A rap, or chant, or something . . .

Crazy grumpiness today, from everyone in the household including Mom. I was racking my brain about how to "reset" the mood and reclaim the day, and came up with this little rhyme.

"Grumpiness, grumpiness, go away!
We're family (and friends) and we're here to stay!
We love each other; yes we do!
So let's have some grace and some gentleness too!
Gentleness, kindness and courtesy
Make for an awesome family!
Yaaay!!"

I wish I'd had a camera to capture the looks on their faces when I suggested to 4 teens/preteens (my three plus an extra we had today) that we all hold hands and dance in a circle while chanting it. I then proceeded to loudly and animatedly demonstrate it myself, making them all roll their eyes, laugh at me and groan.

My kids think I'm crazy. But it actually worked to dissipate the foul mood. :)

Apparently at this age the ability to embarrass myself in front of my kids and/or the general public is like some sort of secret weapon, LOL.

Too much milk

As I was reading through some old blog posts, including this one mentioning Baby E's fussiness and difficulty with nursing and this one that mentions her inconsolable near-constant screaming, I was reminded of how difficult those first few months of nursing were with all three of my older kids. While they really did probably all have reflux and Ebee definitely had food intolerances too, something I've learned with Baby Nae is one thing I really wish I had learned sooner, as I think it would have helped significantly with my other babies.

I'm so thankful that--I forget whether it was through a lactation consultant or just googling symptoms--I came across the La Lache Leage International page about oversupply and overactive letdown and a few others on the topic. http://www.llli.org/faq/oversupply.html

All four of my babies had many of the symptoms listed. With their rapid weight gain combined with other symptoms, there was no doubt that we had this issue. (Note: some babies actually have trouble getting enough milk because of overactive letdown, so not having rapid weight gain doesn't necessarily rule it out, but it is one factor a lactation consultant will consider.)

Baby Nae had the same kinds of symptoms the older kids had displayed--wanting to nurse constantly, but writhing and fussing even while nursing. Green frothy diarrhea. Massive numbers of wet and poopy diapers, far above average. Arching her back and screaming inconsolably even right after feeding. Copious amounts of spitting up and gassiness. Gulping and spluttering during feedings. More fussing and crying and writhing. Not sleeping unless being held almost upright.

Thankfully, this time around we were able to figure it out and work with a lactation consultant to help manage the issue. The LC showed me some nursing positions to help gravity work to slow down the flow of milk, and I learned how to "block feed"--nursing on only one side for long periods of time. In our case, what worked was about 4-hour segments. I found a smartphone app to help track when I'd fed the baby on which side, and I'd feed her as often as she needed to be fed but only on one side for that 4-hour block of time.

That helped to regulate the milk supply and ensure that Baby Nae was getting enough hindmilk to meet her needs, rather than just getting foremilk delivered fire-hose style at every feeding. Within a week or two, it was so much better. The "colic" was gone.

Which meant that my fussy, colicky, inconsolably-screaming baby turned into the intense, social, active, but basically extremely happy child that she is. And, this time around, I get to experience having a baby that I can actually console most of the time when she cries. Usually if she's fussing, there's a reason that I'm able to figure out and fix. I can't even begin to describe how wonderful that is.

Such a simple thing, but it has made such an amazing world of difference.

Scripting

The other day Ebee was getting a bit riled up and argumentative with her sisters in the grocery store, so I handed her my purse and asked her to carry it (as a distraction, sensory input, and helping her feel like she's doing something important to help).

At the checkout I said, "I need my purse now, please. [pause] Ebee, could you please hand me my purse?"

She rolled her eyes and said, "Yeah, yeah, yeah" as she handed me the purse.

I said in a light, cheerful tone, "Sure, Mom, I'd be happy to hand it to you!"

Ebee, in exaggeratedly bright, winsome tones: "Sure, Mom, I'd be happy to hand it to you!"

The grocery store checkout clerk laughed and said, "That's awesome!"

Happy Valentine's Day

Yesterday the kids went to a Valentine's Day party with some friends from school and Baby Nae and I hung out with Morning.  In the evening I took AJ on a date while DH took the two middle girls shopping for birthday presents for AJ. AJ,  Nae and I found just what we're we're looking for--some black shoes for AJ that would "go with everything. "

Today we celebrate AJ's 13th birthday with a casual roller skating outing with a few of her friends. 13! I can hardly believe she's a teenager already. She is turning into a delightful,  level-headed,  confident , kind and compassionate young lady. It's amazing to me how much she has grown up,  matured and levelled out these last few years. She's truly a wonderful young person. I'll see if I can get a good bloggy picture of her to post soon.

Wordless Wednesday: Bubbles

Wordless Wednesday: Baby Nae at 7 weeks

Just Waiting

Baby Girl's official due date is this Saturday. I've been having quite a few contractions, but with this being my 4th time around I haven't felt it was time to go to the hospital yet. They fluctuate in frequency and intensity, tending to be more regular and strong in the evenings.

At this point we have the most urgent things ready for the baby and, though there are more things I'd like to get done before she arrives, it would be fine for her to come any time.

I was in quite a bit of pain from my neck to my ankle (and everything in between) after taking a fall a week and a half or so ago, but some chiropractic adjustments helped quite a bit and although I'm still sore, the pain levels have gone down significantly in the last few days.

It's a whole different experience being pregnant with older kids than it was with preschoolers and toddlers. When Ebee was born, AJ was 4 and M&M was 3.

Now that Ebee is 8, M&M is 11 and AJ is 12 (she'll be 13 in February!), it's a whole different experience. I can nap when they're home and awake. Their "help" is actually helpful. They can even cook dinner, although they still need coaching and help for anything complicated.

Best of all, they are really great company and generally fun to be around. They're thriving in school and life and are generally happy, great kids who are well on their way to becoming productive members of society. None of the kids are having any major health or behavior issues (well, other than eBee acting like an 8-year-old and working through some normal transitions), and overall things are going pretty smoothly.

DH and I are in a good place in our relationship too, enjoying each others' company and making a good team.

I'm really enjoying life a lot lately. And, I'm finally feeling less nervous and more excited about adding the adventure of a new baby to the family.

Overall, life is good. Let's hope the lull lasts a while. :)

Maid to Order

AJ just went around the house, handing out the following questionnaire to all household members:

                                                                                               Name: ______________________

   Questionnaire

1.      What should a maid do? (check one or more)

(a)   Clean up after kids

(b)   Break up fights

(c)    Wash the dishes

(d)   Other

2.      If you checked “other” in the last question, fill in what you were thinking of.

________________________________________________________________

3.      Would you pay a maid:

(a)   Fifty cents

(b)   One dollar

(c)    Five dollars

(d)   Other (please write here) _________________________

4.      Do you want the maid to clean your room?

(a)   Yes

(b)   No

5.      Do you want me to cook…

(a)   Breakfast

(b)   Lunch

(c)    Dinner

(d)   Snacks

(e)   None

6.      Who do you think would be the best maid?

(a)   AJ

(b)   M&M

(c)    Ebee

(d)   Other____________________

7.      Should the maid be allowed to eat, drink, and otherwise associate with the rest of the family?

(a)   Yes

(b)   No

(c)    Sometimes

Please return this questionnaire to:

AJ 

Room 2

Upstairs

Kangaroo Housing Associates

I read the survey, and said to AJ, "Very interesting. What's this all about?"

"Well," she said, "Ebee and I both want to be the maid. So instead of arguing about who gets to do it, I thought this might be a good way to solve the problem."

Apparently, my daughters are arguing over who gets to do the most housework. I can live with that. :)

BTW, I made no changes in spelling, formatting, grammar, etc.--this was all her own work. I changed only the names to make it blog-friendly.

Inside Voice Indicator

I accidentally discovered a great tool for indicating to the kids that they've forgotten to use their inside voices. I bought a "key finder" that beeps when you whistle.

It never did make it onto my keyring. We discovered quickly that a high-pitched loud child's voice will set it off. So now it lives in the family room.

It's great because it's completely non-judgmental, impartial, and it turns itself off after a few beeps so it's not terribly annoying. It's just an indicator to the kids that they have allowed their voice to get too loud and high, and need to tone it down.

Now often they shriek or yell, it beeps, and they say "Ooops, sorry," and tone it down without my having to say anything at all.

Creative Gift Ideas

The kids have been making a game out of guessing what they are getting for Christmas. They keep trying to catch someone off guard to get one of us to tell them what we're giving them for Christmas.

Some of their answers to the question get pretty cute and creative:

"I got you a baby bottle for Christmas."

"Oh, I would LOVE that! I got you a banana peel to put between your toes."

Literalist

DH was tucking M&M in the other night before bed, and M&M said something about being really annoyed with her stuffy nose.

DH sympathetically said something like, "Oh, yeah, stuffy noses are the worst."

He finished praying with M&M and then went across the room to Ebee's bed. She had been lying there quietly, but looked up at him with a confused frown.

"Daddy, isn't leukemia worse than snuffles?"

"What?" He was confused.

"You said stuffy noses were the worst. Isn't leukemia worse than snuffles?"

Well, yes, actually.

Passenger Pigeons

AJ just came to me with a very sad demeanor and said,

"I never even got to see a passenger pigeon. Did you ever get to see one, Mom? The last one died in a zoo just as World War I began. Now they're extinct. Did you get to see a passenger pigeon, Mom? Did you see World War I?"

Stitches in Time

AJ (age 9) announced that she read a book on financial management and has decided to divide her money into thirds: one to give away, one to save, and one to use. DH and I told her that was a great idea.

Of course, the grand total she has to divide up at the moment is something like 27 cents. That's because a few weeks ago she decided to give all her money (including the $25+ she earned in premiums showing her rabbits at the fair and just got a check for recently) to the missionary support drive at AWANA.

M&M (age 8) came to me yesterday afternoon and asked me to sew on a button that came off her sleeve. I taught her how to sew it on instead. She did great with it.

That nearly instant success got her so excited that she wanted to sew something else. So I showed her how to make a backstitch and got her started on making a small decorative pillow. She is loving it, and is so excited that she's almost finished with the stitching and will be ready to stuff it soon.

She keeps saying things like, "Mom, I'm so glad you taught me how to sew! I love sewing!"

Ebee (age 5) wanted to learn, too, so I showed her how to pin the edges of her project together and will help her start the sewing today. AJ already knows how to sew, so she pretty much got herself started. They're all making small decorative pillows.

Ebee no longer seems like a small child. We were at Subway the other day and she said, "I'm going to check and see if my order is up yet." Walked over to the counter, checked, and came back saying "It's not ready yet."

She is constantly making up praise and worship songs and singing them to the Lord, or just making up songs about how happy she is.

We had Ebee in a combination ballet/gymnastics class for little kids, but she decided it wasn't challenging enough and wanted to switch to a higher-level class. She would have preferred ballet (she LOVES it!), but all they had open was gymnastics, so she opted to give up the ballet temporarily in order to have a more challenging class with older kids, and is enjoying the gymnastics.

AJ is still in choir and M&M in gymnastics, and they're both enjoying those and doing well in them.

The girls are very much enjoying school. We're studying the Civil War right now, so they can tell you all about Harriet Tubman, Abraham Lincoln and Henry "Box" Brown. Even Ebee is enamored with Harriet Tubman and keeps asking to have books about Tubman read to her. She is reading simple words, but likes to have the older girls read her the books they're reading for school.

AJ is writing a paper about Abraham Lincoln and one about Henry "Box" Brown.

Here's the start of AJ's report on Abraham Lincoln:

"Abraham Lincoln
Chapter 1

I'm sure you know about Abe Lincoln because practically everyone does. I even bet some of you have been to Lincoln Memorial in Washington D.C..

Lincoln was a good man, and we all love him. But some of you don't know all about him. For example, do you know Abe had a dog? Do you know how he got it? Well, I've got it."

M&M is working on a paper about Harriet Tubman, and so far has accomplished a beautiful illustration and a title page written in fancy letters.

It's fun to watch them enjoy learning. Right now AJ is reading to Mira (our dog) all about electricity.

The Answer is Still No

Ebee was trying to convince me that she's old enough (at age 5) to stay home by herself.

I said, "You're not old enough to stay home by yourself yet. What would you do if there was an emergency?"

"I'd call 9-1-1," she said.

"But what if you needed help fast, before 9-1-1 could get here?"

"I'd run out of the house and go to a friend's house."

"What if there was a fire?"

"I'd stop, drop and roll."

"And what would you do if you were choking and couldn't call 9-1-1 or walk?"

"I don't know."

Of course the answer would have been no anyway, but I did manage to come up with a few more scenarios she agreed she wouldn't be able to handle without an adult. :)

So True

AJ said tonight, "You know, Mom . . . it's hard to believe, but when I have kids and tell them the story of my childhood, they'll probably say, 'Wow, that's really old-fashioned!'"

She continued, "Because technology is advancing so fast, and National Geographic for Kids talks about things like Eagle Cars. We may even have things like hover-cars by the year 2020."

Addendum

I've been really struggling with health issues and pain/energy levels again over the last several months, so we're looking at where we need to make changes and cut back to keep things more manageable and allow me to pace myself better. We're also hoping to sell our home and move soon, hopefully to a place with acreage where we'll have more room to breathe.

The conversation with AJ was actually one small part of one in which I was partly trying to gauge whether it's important to AJ to keep any of the satins or get some back later, or if she'd be happy to just have mini satins long-term. I'm trying to figure out what's important to all of the kids right now, and which rabbits are most important to them to keep, since we are probably going to be keeping only a very few that they are able and willing to be mostly responsible for on their own.

We do have a couple of rabbit friends who have offered to take some of our stock for the time being and let us have back some of the original stock or their offspring later. I'm trying to make decisions about that right now.

We're currently looking at drastically reducing or getting out of raising rabbits for the time being, and getting back into it later when we move to a place where we can have a less energy-intensive setup and I get back on my feet healthwise.

Sweet Moments

As I was tucking AJ into bed tonight, I talked to her about whether she would want to do a meat rabbit pen for 4-H this year. I explained that she would have to choose a doe, raise a litter, feed and keep records on them carefully, and then sell them at the 4-H auction. We would let her spend a little of whatever money they brought in, but she should put the rest into a savings account.

"You can save it for college, to buy a car, or whatever you decide you want to do when you're older."

Suddenly her whole face lit up, her brown eyes glowing. "Could I save it for a mission trip?"

My heart melted. "Sure. If you wanted to save it for a mission trip someday, you could do that."

She beamed. "Then I'll do that. Maybe that's what God has enlisted me for. To be a missionary someday."

When we prayed, I thanked the Lord for her enthusiasm and her sweet heart that loves God.

She has talked about wanting to be a missionary since she was very young. I wouldn't be surprised if someday she does.

(Addendum to this post here.)

A few things that have made me smile in the last few days . . .

• Hearing AJ rhapodize enthusiastically about the beauty of pi. She is definitely her father's daughter.


• Seeing M&M delight in learning to do a bridge kickover (a gymnastics move).


• Knowing Ebee absolutely LOVES her new combination ballet/gymnastics class (even though I could do without having her ask every 10 minutes all week long if it's time to go to her class again yet).


• Seeing AJ settle back into her choir, and knowing she's enjoying it.


• Knowing that we've found activities for each of the kids that fit their personality and needs so well: priceless.


• Watching M&M taking time out of math to explain to Ebee that it's "dragon" and not "jragon" and the difference between the look and sound of the letters D and J, then seamlessly transition to explaining who Harriet Tubman was and what she did. I had difficulty bringing myself to send her back to her math.


• Ebee was so interested in Harriet Tubman and asked so many questions, that I had AJ read her a book about Harriet Tubman to practice her reading aloud for that day. I wish I had captured on video AJ's almost lyrical reading of the book, her flexible voice rising and falling with the meaning of the words, complete with an old-style Southern accent.


• That didn't exhaust Ebee's attention span, so then M&M read her a book about Abraham Lincoln. She loved it. Ebee can now sound out simple words and sentences, but she still prefers to have someone else read to her.


• Watching the girls take more responsibility for their own rabbits, and learn new skills.


• Realizing how good the kids are getting at understanding things, how helpful they are, and how much they're growing up.