Tips for getting toddlers to cooperate while shopping

A mom on another forum asked for ideas of how to handle her toddler who was taking things off the shelves in the store and not wanting to put them back when asked repeatedly. I typed up a reply and then thought maybe I would post it here also, in case it could be helpful to others.

• It's very helpful if you can tell kids what you DO want them to do rather than what you don't want them to do.
  
  For putting things back on the shelf, first try not to turn it into a battle if possible. Acknowledge her interest and feelings about the object, and make an observation about its special qualities. "Oh, you like that ball? It's really neat, isn't it? So bright and playful with the yellow polka-dots on the red ball." Or, "That's a box of muffin mix. It looks yummy, doesn't it? You like the blue box?"
  
  Then in a light, cooperative tone ask her to put it back and show her where it goes. You may need to physically pick her up and show her where to put it, but it's ideal if you can have her put it down without forcefully prying it out of her hand (both to avoid the battle and also just to treat her with respect).
  
  Sometimes a brief explanation is in order: "I know you really like that toy and want to keep it, but it's not our toy. It has to stay here at the store. Can you put it back on the shelf and say bye-bye to it? Bye bye, ball." Saying goodbye to things helps a ton for my 18-month-old.
  
  If she is hesitant, try to offer choices. "Do you want to put the ball on this shelf or leave it over here?"
  
  You can offer something else for her to carry or do to distract or interest her. My toddler loves to carry my purse or wear my watch or sunglasses. Or you can ask her to help get things off the shelf that you need to buy and carry them or put them in the cart.
  
  If all else fails, you may need to physically help her put it back, but sometimes you can save the day by giving her a choice: "Can you put the muffin mix back by yourself or do you need Mommy to help you?"
  
  Even if you end up having to wrestle it away from her to put it back, use it as an opportunity to help her identify and verbalize her emotions: "You feel sad and disappointed that you couldn't keep the ball. You really liked that ball and wanted to keep it, but it has to stay here." Then redirect her to doing something else like helping push the cart or get groceries.
  
  Also, with toddlers through grade schoolers while shopping, it really helps to plan ahead and make sure you are giving them things to keep them engaged, whether that be having them help shop or bringing toys along for them. Try not to shop when they are hungry or tired if possible, and bring snacks along or buy them a snack if needed. Be sensitive to keeping shopping trips as short as possible with little ones who tire quickly and have short attention spans.
  
  If my toddler is being too difficult to contain or keep up with in the store, I wrap her on my back and carry her that way. ;) The cart can also be used as a way to contain them and let them take a break if needed. In some situations, especially if the child is overstimulated or overtired and cannot be calmed or redirected, going to the car to let them have a few minutes of quiet to rest for a few minutes or just cutting the shopping trip short and going home may be necessary.

  
  Try to avoid telling a child repeatedly to do things. Ask once, calmly; show how to do it and offer choices, wait and give her time to do it, and then help her do it if needed. If you just keep saying the same thing over and over she will learn not to listen.
  
  When you ask/tell her to do something, be prepared to follow through and physically help her do it if she needs help--not in an angry or punishing way, but just matter-of-factly helping her. She's still learning, and will need lots of help and repetition. :)

Ten Minutes

These last few weeks have been grueling physically and emotionally. We've had so much going with illness, camps, the fair, family gatherings, birthday parties and a death in the family. The kids are tired and grumpy and I'm fighting a flare -up.

I wanted to make sure I spent some time connecting with each of my kids today, but I knew it was a rough day physically and my energy would be very limited, so I set a goal of 10 minutes of focused individual time with each kid.

The first one took me for a walk out to the other end of the property to show me her secret place, the second one opted to do a craft together, and the third didn't like any of the ideas I suggested and couldn't come up with any ideas of her own that didn't involve screen time, so reluctantly sat with me and had a bit of conversation for 10 minutes.

I'm not sure if I should hold firm to my "doing something together that allows for interaction and doesn't involve screen time" rule for next time, or if doing something like playing Minecraft together would be more positively relationship - building than forcing a conversation with a kid who doesn't really want to be there.

It took us about an hour to accomplish 10 minutes of focused time together with each of the three older kids by the time we figured out what to do and whose turn it was to watch the baby with each one.

By the time it was done I was exhausted, hobbling painfully, and needed a nap (perfect timing since the baby was ready for some quiet time too). But I'm glad we did it. I'm hoping to work it into our routine on at least a semi -regular basis.

A rap, or chant, or something . . .

Crazy grumpiness today, from everyone in the household including Mom. I was racking my brain about how to "reset" the mood and reclaim the day, and came up with this little rhyme.

"Grumpiness, grumpiness, go away!
We're family (and friends) and we're here to stay!
We love each other; yes we do!
So let's have some grace and some gentleness too!
Gentleness, kindness and courtesy
Make for an awesome family!
Yaaay!!"

I wish I'd had a camera to capture the looks on their faces when I suggested to 4 teens/preteens (my three plus an extra we had today) that we all hold hands and dance in a circle while chanting it. I then proceeded to loudly and animatedly demonstrate it myself, making them all roll their eyes, laugh at me and groan.

My kids think I'm crazy. But it actually worked to dissipate the foul mood. :)

Apparently at this age the ability to embarrass myself in front of my kids and/or the general public is like some sort of secret weapon, LOL.

Enjoying my Baby

As brand new parents, we were concerned that if we consistently picked our babies up right away when they started to fuss and took care of their needs as promptly as possible, they might become more fussy and demanding. Several books and teachers popular in our circles taught that it was easy to spoil a baby in that way, and that if you responded to them promptly the majority of the time, they would become little "tyrants" who demanded to always be the center of attention.

Now, as more experienced parents, we find the opposite to be true. It seems that a general pattern of responsiveness (as much as possible, within reason) helps a baby to develop the trust and confidence that her needs will be met and her cries will be answered. We've also come to realize that things like cuddling and comfort, eye contact and interaction, are real and valid "needs" even when they don't need to be fed or changed and we feel like we've already been holding them a lot all day.

With each of our kids we've found that, in general, they tend to be less fussy and demanding, and seem to get worked up less quickly and severely in the times we can't respond right away, when we are more responsive to them in general. And the times we do put them down, they aren't as prone to get upset about watching and interacting with us from somewhere other than someone's arms for a while.

I love no longer being worried about spoiling my baby, and just being able to relax and enjoy this time of bonding and connection.

Scripting

The other day Ebee was getting a bit riled up and argumentative with her sisters in the grocery store, so I handed her my purse and asked her to carry it (as a distraction, sensory input, and helping her feel like she's doing something important to help).

At the checkout I said, "I need my purse now, please. [pause] Ebee, could you please hand me my purse?"

She rolled her eyes and said, "Yeah, yeah, yeah" as she handed me the purse.

I said in a light, cheerful tone, "Sure, Mom, I'd be happy to hand it to you!"

Ebee, in exaggeratedly bright, winsome tones: "Sure, Mom, I'd be happy to hand it to you!"

The grocery store checkout clerk laughed and said, "That's awesome!"

Handling Hitting and Hurtful Words

One thing the Lord has been teaching me in parenting is to focus on what the child needs to learn--what I do want them to do--and how to help them get there and develop the tools they need to successfully do that. This is a whole different mindset than focusing on what I don't want them to do and punishing them with the primary goal of making them feel bad or simply stopping the behavior in the moment.

If I can approach a situation with the thought, "What does this child need to learn, what skills and tools do they need, and how can I help them develop those?" it seems my parenting is much more effective.

When a child uses uses physical or verbal violence, I take it as a sign that they are experiencing strong feelings and do not yet have the tools or skills to handle them in an appropriate way. (I would define verbal violence as things like calling names, making threats or saying mean things intended to be hurtful--a matter of simple volume or tone we handle differently, mainly by just having them try again with help/modeling if needed.)

In a nutshell, my approach to a child's verbal or physical violence follows this general pattern: Removal/cooling down, restitution, education (practicing the appropriate way to handle the situation instead), and prevention.
The restitution and education are the most important parts--the cooling down and prevention stages may or may not need to be included, depending on the situation.

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• 1. Removal & cooling down.
  
  Using physical or verbal violence is a bit of a unique case in that someone is actually being or in danger of being hurt. So the first order of business is to set limits to protect the person being hurt.
  
  In our house that often means somehow removing the offending child from the situation: not as a punishment, but as a way to protect the person being hurt and give the hitter/yeller a chance to calm down and get their thoughts in order.
  
  This can include a few minutes sitting or lying down somewhere away from the person they are angry at, running or doing some other physical activity, getting a drink of water and taking some deep breaths, wrapping themselves in a blanket, spending a couple of minutes in the comfort corner cuddling a stuffed animal or expressing their feelings in art, balancing a peacock feather on their palm (this takes concentration and calmness!), or whatever is most effective for that child's particular needs and personality to help them calm down.
  
  I don't give them a particular time period they have to stay there, but tell them to let me know when they feel calm enough to discuss the situation. I do make sure they don't get distracted or take longer doing something like coloring beyond the time needed to calm themselves down. Usually I just have them sit somewhere quiet and take deep breaths or run a couple of laps around the back yard, so that rarely becomes an issue. With my older girls, I know I can't let them start reading a book or playing with dolls because that becomes too great a distraction. :)
  
  Sometimes the child doesn't need a cool-down period and can go straight to restitution, but sometimes they need it both as a way to protect the child being hurt and emphasize that such behavior is not acceptable, and also to get to a mental state where they're willing to make restitution and able to learn.

• 2. Restitution
  
  The solution after that will include making restitution. This could include an apology, saying kind things if something mean was said, giving back what was grabbed to try a more appropriate way of handling the situation, getting an ice pack to soothe the injury when they hit someone, etc.
  
  I don't force apologies if the child is not ready or willing, but depending on the situation I may offer an alternative (like giving a hug or writing a note if they are having trouble verbalizing it), or work more on discussing the situation to help them empathize with the person and understand that they hurt them and desire to make it right.
  
  I do insist on and enforce restitution if necessary, though I prefer to leave room for them to do it willingly first.


• 3. Education
  
  We also spend some time focusing on education--giving the child the tools they need to respond more appropriately and, if necessary, setting boundaries to help keep them from hurting someone while they are in the learning process.
  
  The development of tools at this point usually consists of me helping them set up the situation again as it was just before the violence happened, and walking them through one or more ways to get their needs met and communicate their feelings in that situation appropriately. I literally have them go through the motions and act it out while I help them brainstorm. I like to have them come up with their own solutions whenever possible, but I make suggestions and give coaching as needed.


• 4. Prevention
  
  Depending on the situation, we may or may not need to take further proactive steps to prevent the problem happening again right away. This can help set the child up for success while they are learning and developing the skills needed to navigate the situation.
  
  Sometimes, especially if it has been a repeated offense or an item was used to hit someone, the prevention will include steps like putting the toy that was used as a weapon out of reach until they are ready to try again at a later time (you abuse it, you lose it), restrictions on activity ("don't touch your sister without express verbal permission since you are having trouble respecting her personal space,") or me keeping them within easy voice and arm's reach so that I can help them stop themselves before they hurt someone, especially if a young child is having trouble stopping themselves from hitting or biting.
  
  I have a few times used a soft belt around each of our waists and a line to tether a young child to me for part of the day so that we can be sure she stays close enough to me to keep an eye on her if she was having trouble listening and staying near me without it. When I did this recently with my youngest she actually very much enjoyed it, as it was an opportunity for extra attention and positive interactions with mom. We laughed a lot, chatted, and worked together on things like laundry.

The goal is to teach.

The important thing is that all of this is not done in a shaming or punitive way, but in a grace-filled and constructive way. It can be hard work to keep my tone matter-of-fact and gracious rather than shaming, but if I can accomplish this is helps so much toward creating an environment conducive to learning.

It is sometimes hard to get past the mentality that the goal of discipline is to make the child feel bad, and if they're enjoying it then it must not be a good "punishment". But if I can remember that the goal is helping them learn, and giving them the tools they need to behave appropriately, then it can be OK and even helpful for them to have fun learning.

Certainly sometimes consequences are hard for them to handle, and they will cry and be upset. That's when I have to double-check to make sure I'm not having a punitive attitude and that the consequence is logical, fits the crime, and is designed to teach, and then be OK with the fact that their actions and the consequences are causing the child temporary pain as part of the learning process. Scripture makes it pretty clear that discipline and the learning process are not always fun. :) But whether and how much the child dislikes the learning process does not necessarily correlate with how effectively they learn from the situation.

Sometimes learning hurts, but it's the learning that's the goal and not specifically the pain. In our family we don't artificially inflict extra pain to try to make the learning more effective, but we don't step in and try to protect the child from ever feeling hurt or upset about the consequences of their actions either. We don't try to protect them from painful natural consequences unless it's something potentially dangerous, either.

Young children may require a simplified approach.

With young children too young to verbalize or understand the issues, handling such situations is mostly going to be a matter of physically preventing them from hurting someone, while repeating ad nauseum the idea that hitting, biting or whatever hurts and will not be allowed (i.e. "Don't bite. Biting hurts.").

For that 2-year-old going through the hitting/biting stage, it may mean that for a while Mom and Dad have to be very intentional about keeping that child within arm's length on playdates. Sometimes it may require ending the play time early or holding the child where they can't reach anyone else until they are ready to try again.

From a very young age, I like to go ahead and start helping them practice acceptable alternatives as much as possible so that they will be natural to the child as soon as they are old enough to understand and practice them. Sometimes you'll need to talk for them in asking nicely to have a turn instead of grabbing or in using words to say "I'm mad" instead of hitting.

Giving appropriate physical outlets for strong or angry feelings, such as jumping up and down, running, or teaching the sign language for "angry" (hitting their fist against the palm of the other hand--a wonderfully physical but non-harmful expression of their feelings) can make all the difference for a child who has a strong need to express their big feelings in a physical way. Redirecting a behavior can be worlds easier than just stopping it without giving them anything else to do with those feelings.

Remember that a 2-year-old is going to act like a 2-year-old no matter what you do, and there are certain developmental stages they go through and things that are a long process to learn no matter what parenting approach you use. Whatever way you choose to handle things like toddlers hitting or biting, you are likely going to have to repeat tens, hundreds, or thousands of times, depending on the child. I recommend choosing a response that is age-appropriate and that you feel comfortable repeating over and over and over; a response that will not require escalating into a potentially dangerous situation if it (inevitably, with many children) doesn't work after the first few times.

It takes time.

Above all, I find it helpful to remember that my job is to help the child learn. I am here to give them the support and help they need to go through the developmental stages all children go through in their own unique way. The focus is on helping them learn the skills and tools that will allow them to interact appropriately with others and handle life well.

It's a long-term learning process, not a single event.

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(Parenting posts on this blog will generally be tagged "Parenting" so you can pull them all up at once if desired.)

Inside Voice Indicator

I accidentally discovered a great tool for indicating to the kids that they've forgotten to use their inside voices. I bought a "key finder" that beeps when you whistle.

It never did make it onto my keyring. We discovered quickly that a high-pitched loud child's voice will set it off. So now it lives in the family room.

It's great because it's completely non-judgmental, impartial, and it turns itself off after a few beeps so it's not terribly annoying. It's just an indicator to the kids that they have allowed their voice to get too loud and high, and need to tone it down.

Now often they shriek or yell, it beeps, and they say "Ooops, sorry," and tone it down without my having to say anything at all.

Impeccable timing

I was really glad this morning that I had just finished reading the Sanford book and was armed with great ideas to make problems caused by the kids' behavior be their problem and not my problem. :)

M&M loves gymnastics and is very good at it, and constantly practices at home. The problem is that she doesn't always look before she leaps. She knows that she *should* look around to make sure nobody is in the way before turning a cartwheel or practicing a handstand, but getting her to actually remember to do it is another story.

This morning provided the perfect learning opportunity. M&M was feeling particularly grumpy and "forgot" to ask Ebee to move before doing a summersault onto her.

Ebee got a bloody nose. She dripped it all down the front of her clothes (including a leotard borrowed from M&M--what a perfect coincidence), onto her doll, and on the carpet from the playroom downstairs to the family room where I was.

Rather than getting angry or going into lecture mode, I went into urgent but calm concern.

Giving Ebee a hug and comforting her, I called out, "M&M, come quickly! Ebee's nose is bleeding from your summersault onto her. Take a cool wet washcloth and have her hold it on her nose. Get her into the bathroom and help her stop the bleeding. Then you'll need to get the bloodstains out of her clothes, the doll, and the carpet. Hurry; it's almost time to leave for gymnastics and you don't have much time!"

She kept saying things like, "But I didn't mean to hurt her!" and "I can't do this--it's too much work."

I would respond sympathetically but unmovingly. "Yes, I know. I'm sorry this happened. It's a big job cleaning up something like this. But even though you didn't do it on purpose, your actions caused this problem and you are responsible for fixing it."

I gave her some coaching, but didn't do any of it for her. Having to clean up after a bloody nose certainly isn't something a parent could contrive on purpose, but it seemed like an ideal and memorable natural consequence to me.

Somehow I think she may be more likely to watch where she tumbles next time. :)

None of this is really new to me; I've used this type of response many times in the past (and my parents often did it with us). But it was helpful to have a reminder. I think having just read the book helped me to stay calm and matter-of-fact, not go into lecture mode, and resist stepping in to do it for her.

Discipline vs. Punishment

I am reading a book by Tom L. Sanford called, "If Parenting is a Three-Ring Circus, How Come I'm Not the Ringmaster?: Creative Ways to Raise Great Kids!"

I liked this quote from the beginning of Chapter Six: Discipline vs. Punishment:

Punishment is the emotional response to another's behavior that has less to do with their actions and more to do with the release of your emotional energy.

Punishment has little to do with one's misbehavior and a lot to do with the desire of another to inflict emotional or physical pain on the subject.

Discipline, on the other hand, deals with the consequences of one's own behavior. At that moment in time there is the opportunity to teach valuable lessons. Briefly speaking, this is your "teachable moment." Hence the word "discipline". Those are golden opportunities to disciple one who has learned a valuable lesson without demeaning, ridiculing, or treating one in a condescending manner."

Later in the chapter, he talks about how when a child makes a mistake or a poor choice, it is helpful to avoid overreacting and making it your problem. Instead, let it be their problem. Don't get upset. Just hold them responsible for fixing it.

He says, "Giving a child the right to respond and offer to fix the problem without a parent overreacting does wonders for relationships. Sometimes, because of age or other factors, it might be impossible for them to fix or resolve a problem. That is when you negotiate a deal. You'll take care of their problem if they will do something for you. My daughter learned how to mow the lawn and wash cars through such negotiations."

In the next chapter, his point is "If logic doesn't work, why use it?" He says that when there is a disagreement, we need to focus on love and forgiveness, not logic and being right.

So far I'm about halfway through the book, and have read a lot of interesting and amusing examples of natural and logical consequences used creatively and with good humor, very effectively. It's an interesting book.

Using our ABC's

Today I'm using a variation on an idea in a book I'm reading, If I'm Diapering a Watermelon, Then Where'd I Leave the Baby: Help for the Highly Distractable Mom by Carol Barnier (fabulous book so far--I keep feeling as though it was written specifically for me and the way my brain works).

I've been giving the kids a sign language "letter" to hold in their hands to remind them what I asked them to do.

I asked them to go wash their faces, and showed them how to make a letter W in sign language to help them remember what they were supposed to do when they got upstairs.

We also talked about specific things we needed to work on today as we worked through an argument the kids were having and talked through the plan for today, and each got a "letter of the day" to remember throughout the day. For M&M and Ebee it was L for "turning on their Listening ears" and for AJ it was K for "Kindness is more important than being right".

The kids seemed to respond well to that--it was a fun and memorable way to turn what could have been a "lecture" into sort of a game, keep things positive, and promote an attitude of teamwork and participation. When that issue comes up today, I'll be able to use the sign language letter as a gentle reminder that will be relatively unobtrusive if we are out somewhere.

Now, if I could just get around to finishing the book. :)

BTW, my letter for the day is D for "don't get distracted." One of life's biggest challenges for me.

Carol also has a couple of other books that look interesting, including several on identifying and working with your children's learning styles, and some on helping highly distractible children learn. Her writing style is entertaining and readable, and her ideas are eminently practical, and simple enough to work even for someone like me who has difficulty following through with the great ideas in books and transferring them to real life.

Attitude Again

I should clarify that I didn't mean in my last post that it was never appropriate to give a child consequences for something like not staying in bed, even if their motives are not bad. I definitely think consequences can be useful, depending on the situation.

A carefully-selected consequence may even help to deal with a root issue. For instance, children who can't be quiet sharing a room could be separated, which would be both a logical consequence and a possible solution to the underlying problem of keeping each other awake.

I suspect that what many people think of as dealing with attitudes are things I would see as dealing with behavior that is an inappropriate expression of thoughts, feelings or needs. Probably it looks pretty much the same in practice even if we would describe it differently. :)

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DH and I will talk with the kids about feelings or attitudes and try to work through them, and we definitely see them as important and try to influence them, but it is the behavior and not the attitude to which we connect any parent-imposed consequences. We want to make sure they know it is the behavior, not the child and their feelings, that we are judging as unacceptable.

This doesn't mean we excuse or allow all kinds of bad behavior. Our kids are not allowed to stomp their feet at us, whine and complain excessively, or call each other names, for example. That is inappropriate behavior. They need to learn more appropriate ways to deal with their feelings.

But I think the heart attitude needs to be dealt with on another level (which could be alongside dealing with the behavior). This could include teaching more appropriate ways to express feelings, addressing the underlying belief or lack of understanding, or helping the child learn how to meet their needs in an appropriate manner. Feelings or attitudes can be like a flag indicating a deeper issue that needs to be dealt with.

Certainly children are not perfect, any more than parents are. Anyone can have bad attitudes, bad motives or even an intent to be hurtful; often stemming out of a root issue such as a misunderstanding or an earlier (real or perceived) injustice or offense, as Kevin mentioned.

But I am learning that interacting with grace, respect and love includes giving people the benefit of the doubt and giving them a chance to respond well if at all possible. Readily assuming bad motivations for the other person's actions or expecting them to respond badly doesn't work very well in a marriage or any other relationship, either. :)

I think Scripture is pretty clear that only God truly understands and is responsible for judging another person's thoughts and the attitudes of their hearts. 1 Cor. 2:11, 1 John 3:20, 1 Thessalonians 2:4, 1 Samuel 16:7, 1 Chronicles 28:9, Psalm 44:21, Revelation 2:23, and 2 Chronicles 6:30 are just a few of the many verses that deal with this.

For those who are of a more secular mindset, I think most would agree that we aren't mind-readers. :)

It was the realization that I was judging my kids' motives wrongly in the bedtime situation that was so revolutionary for me. That change in perspective is what has made such a difference for our family--not just at bedtime, but in my whole attitude toward parenting and my relationship with my kids. It was a small thing that turned into a watershed moment for me, but it's hard to fully describe to anyone else without sounding silly.

I think that when DH and I are able to approach our kids' issues from a grace-filled perspective of looking for solutions, trying to deal with root issues, teaching them the skills they need, and assuming the best of their desires and motives as much as possible, it goes a long way toward helping us not to exasperate our children. It can make our parenting, training and even discipline more effective.

Maybe it is not such a challenge for others, but I have struggled with feeling like I was beginning to develop an adversarial relationship with my kids at times. Being able to get past that general perception of them doing things out of motives such as "trying to make my life difficult," "wanting to be hurtful," "having a bad attitude," or "being rebellious and disobedient," or just "being naughty," and focusing instead on problem-solving and helping them learn the tools they need to navigate life successfully in the long-term (rather than just making my life easier in the moment), has been huge for me.

It's similar, I guess, to the advice often given to couples in marriage counseling: to stand side by side and attack the problem together, not face-to-face attacking each other. The child is not the enemy. The goal is not to punish the child or make her feel "bad enough" to pay the price for whatever she did, but to approach the situation with words, actions and possibly consequences that will address the issue constructively.

When I can do that, I am able to be more patient and creative in my parenting. I'm enjoying and appreciating my kids more, and we are all happier.

It's constantly a work in progress, of course. But the change in mindset has been very helpful for me. And not only is our home more peaceful, but the kids' behavior is actually better when I am able to approach parenting with a more grace-filled attitude, too.

Attitude Adjustments

A friend of mine posted a question for discussion about how to handle it when kids have bad attitudes. I have enjoyed reading the various perspectives, and learning from them.

Here's mine:

Personally, I think we can get into dangerous ground when we start judging our children's hearts and attitudes.

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Only God can judge the heart, and it is very easy to misinterpret someone else's thoughts, attitudes and motives. Tones and feelings can easily come across or be interpreted differently by the hearer and the speaker (for example, honest frustration, sadness or intensity being heard as sassy or disrespectful attitudes when they are not).

I have found 1 Corinthians 13:7 convicting when I find myself jumping to assuming bad attitudes and motives on the part of my children. Love assumes the most charitable explanation for motives and actions, not the worst.

There was an interesting study I wish I could find the link to again, where researchers took families (basically healthy families with good relationships) and had them discuss a topic as a family.

Then they took each family member separately and played back a video of the discussion, asking each person what they were thinking and what they thought other family members were thinking or what their attitudes were at various points in the conversation.

A huge percentage of the time, both parents and kids were wrong in their guesses about the others' thinking and motivations, tending to assume they had much more negative or "bad attitude" thoughts going on than they actually did. Ironically, they had a high level of certainty that their own interpretation was correct even when they were actually wrong. Their confidence in their ability to understand and read the others' attitudes and motivations far outreached their ability to do so.

So I think we need to be careful in how we handle this. It's good if we can come from a perspective of instruction and teaching while giving them the benefit of the doubt, rather than judging, shaming or punishing the child for an attitude we may or may not be perceiving correctly. We need to be on the same team and help them gain the tools they need to solve the underlying issues.

For instance, I had to rethink my interpretation when we were having bedtime issues. I finally realized that the kids were having trouble staying in bed and going to sleep because *they weren't sleepy,* not because they were trying to make life difficult for us or they were intentionally misbehaving. Punishment didn't work because it didn't address the underlying need. We just needed to make some adjustments to their routine to create a peaceful attitude and help them settle down and go to sleep more easily.

With other issues related to attitude, often the child simply needs information about how they are coming across and how to adjust their tone and manner to come across in a more appropriate way (which, incidentally, is much more likely to get the result they want).

My mom had a good approach by cheerfully (even sympathetically) saying, "I'm sorry, I can't understand you when you whine." I will do that too, or simply let them know that they sound whiny.

They'll say, "Oh, I didn't realize that; I didn't mean to whine," and retry in a much better tone. If needed I will give them suggestions about things like taking a deep breath and then smiling while they ask in a cheerful tone to help it not come across as whining.

Modeling is so very helpful. Often kids don't realize how their tone and attitude comes across and need to be made aware, and then (especially for younger kids) have us SHOW them how to do it appropriately.

Many parents do this in teaching their kids to say please. When they say, "Gimme some milk!" the parent will reply, "Please may I have some milk?" in a pleasant tone, and the kid will usually make an effort to repeat it that way.

When kids do seem to have a real attitude problem, it is a good reminder for the parents to check their own attitude. I find that often my kids' attitude is a reflection of my own attitude. If I am being grumpy and graceless or not having a kind, respectful attitude in the way I interact they will very quickly pick up on and reflect that.

If I treat my chores as drudgery, I procrastinate, or I don't stay on task with a good work ethic and positive attitude, I cannot be surprised when my kids do the same. If I treat their requests as annoying interruptions and inconveniences, or say "I'll do it in a minute" and then forget, they are likely to do so also.

Taking a deep breath and having a chat to apologize to each other and try to work together to do better, taking a break, coming up with a plan and routine, reading an inspiring and applicable story, using limits and incentives, playing lively "work music" or whatever is needed to regroup and get a fresh start is helpful.

And, of course, there's the HALT list of things to check: are they Hungry, Angry, Lonely (or socially overstimulated and needing alone time, for introverts), Tired. Those factors can be huge in a kid's (or adult's) ability to respond appropriately to a situation.

We may need to have a conversation about how we need to be kind and respectful to each other even when we're grumpy, but the real solution is to get the need taken care of. Learning to recognize the reasons they are feeling grumpy and what to do to fix it (i.e. eat a snack) is an integral life-skill that is very important for our kids to learn.

There can be many reasons for issues that come across as bad attitudes. Kids may need to feel heard, or they need some quality time and focused attention. Or they may be feeling overwhelmed and discouraged with a task and need help understanding it or making it more manageable.

I think it can be counterproductive when we focus on our perception of the child's attitude as bad, rather than focusing on what the problem *causing* the attitude is and how to fix it or teach the tools they need to deal with it.

That attitude issue on the child's part may also be our reminder to check ourselves according to Eph. 6:4 and Col. 3:21 to make sure we are interacting with our children in a way that does not exasperate, embitter or discourage them or make them lose heart.

More on Potty Accidents

I really shouldn't write posts after my brain has gone to bed for the night, even if I think I got a bit of a second wind. :) I realized that my post of yesterday probably made it sound like lots of toilet accidents are normal up until age 9 or 10, and that's not the case. It's also not necessarily true that all kids will have regressions.

Certainly it's possible for kids to be reliably potty trained by age 2 or 3, or even before age 1. Some kids are aware enough of their bodies to be able to know when they need to go to the bathroom and get themselves there by that age without being reminded, while others are not. Many kids are mature enough to do it by themselves sometimes, while still needing to be reminded at other times.

Ebee was able to take herself to the bathroom pretty reliably without reminding (as long as there wasn't too much extra excitement) by barely age 2, although she still occasionally had accidents. Now, by age 4, she almost never needs reminding and her accidents are pretty rare--maybe once a month to once every few months. Another of my kids is still occasionally going through phases of having frequent accidents (a few times a week to a few times a day) past beginning gradeschool age.

Many kids potty train very quickly, and others take much longer. Some kids just decide to potty train themselves one day, put on big kid underwear and never look back.

However, if your child doesn't take to it that quickly, or still needs regular reminding by the time they are preschool or kindergarten age, that can be normal. Being fully potty trained, having very few accidents or none at all for a few days, weeks or even months, and then regressing to having a lot of accidents again for a while is also very normal. Something as simple as a growth spurt or getting new clothes can trigger this.

According to most resources I've read, many if not most children will have accidents for 6 months or more after they are basically potty trained. Many resources suggest that if your child has been fully potty trained with no accidents for a year or more, and then suddenly starts having a lot of accidents, especially if this lasts for more than a few days, there might be an underlying problem. That would be something to look into further and discuss with the child's doctor, especially if there's not an obvious reason like a new baby in the family.

I've seen a statistic several different places that 15% of gradeschool-age children still have daytime potty accidents. If your child is still having what seems like an excessive number of accidents past about age 5, or has a regression or seems to be making backwards progress after age 4, it is probably something you'll want to least mention to the pediatrician. A 9 or 10 year old having accidents more frequently than a few times a year is definitely something I would be talking to her doctor about.

Stool accidents may be more of a concern after age 4 or 5 than the occasional urinary accident. But even older kids and adults can have incontinence from causes like severe diarrhea due to illness or too much fruit, of course. And you probably know that if your child ever experiences pain with urination, it's time to call the doctor.

Disorders such as interstitial cystitis, overactive bladder, or an unusually small bladder can be present even in children who are quite young, and if there is a physical issue that causes urinary or bowel incontinence you will want to figure that out sooner rather than later. Other less obvious factors such as ADHD, sensory integration issues or even giftedness can affect toilet training and the propensity to accidents, or can affect what methods work for teaching and motivation.

I'm not a doctor, so these are just my own thoughts based on my limited research, experience and talking with other parents. You know your own child best, and you are the best one to decide when it might be time to consult the doctor. It never hurts to mention a concern to the pediatrician when your child is in for a checkup, even if he or she is just going to assure you that your child is perfectly normal. :) Many medical offices or HMOs have advice nurses that can be consulted over the phone also.

A couple of things I forgot to mention that might help with a kid who is having accidents: Work with them to make sure they are emptying their bladder and bowels fully when they do go to the bathroom. Also, doing Kegel exercises can help them develop control. Boys can do Kegels too!

Another thing to look at is whether they are getting things like caffeine, lots of fruit juice, or other foods known to be diuretic in their diet.

I enjoyed this article on potty accidents, reminding the reader what it's like to be in the shoes of a young child, and some of the reasons accidents can happen. There are several reasons mentioned there that I didn't cover, but which seem to make a lot of sense.

Here's another article from the University of Michigan on toilet training resistance. I haven't experienced this issue enough to know how helpful the suggestions are, but if anyone reading has dealt with it feel free to add your suggestions in the comments.

Potty Accidents

I just wrote a reply to someone on Facebook who was asking about their child regressing and having potty accidents. Since I have quite a few first-time parents in my circle who are going through this stage, I thought I'd expand it a bit and post it here in case it was helpful for someone.

My older post on Potty Training 101 covers the basics of potty training and beginning toilet training, but doesn't go into as much depth on accidents and regression.

Potty accidents and regression are part of childhood. Things like stress or changes in routine can trigger them, or they can happen when the distraction level goes up and kids forget to pay attention to their bodies or don't want to take time away from something exciting to use the potty. I think even a kid going through a developmental stage where they need to concentrate most of their energy on some other milestone they're working on can cause accidents or regression.

Of course, you always want to pay attention and be aware of potential causes like illness, food intolerances or allergies, overfatigue, UTIs, bladder infections, or even urinary reflux or other medical issues. If other things aren't working and it continues without improvement, I would always suggest asking your child's doctor about it.

Remember that a child's being able to realize they need to go to the bathroom in time, and then TELLING you or doing something about it before it's too late, is the very last stage in potty training. That takes a different level of maturity than being able to go to the bathroom when they sit on the potty and then hold it for a while.

If the distraction level has gone up in any way this can be a lot harder for kids. Sometimes even much older kids (9 or 10 year olds or even older) occasionally have trouble remembering to stop their play and take the time out to go to the bathroom before it's too late. It can vary so much from child to child how long potty training takes, and how reliable they are after that. Some 2 or 3 year olds are able to take themselves to the potty by themselves reliably, but others will need reminding. A child under age 4 or 5 will often need to be reminded, and some kids may even need reminding (especially if there's extra excitement going on) until they are quite a bit older.

Having set times scheduled into the day when it's time to sit on the potty for a few minutes, whether he feels like he needs to go or not, can be really helpful. I would suggest either working it into your routine (when you get up, after meals, mid-morning/mid-afternoon, when arriving or leaving places, before bed, etc.) or setting a timer.

We started out with setting the timer for every 30 minutes for beginning potty training, and then gradually increased the time. A timer really helps to take the battle out of it for reluctant kids, because it's the timer saying it's time, not just Mommy being arbitrary. If your child was already potty trained and is having a regression, consider setting a timer for every 1.5 hours or so and then maybe you'll be able to gradually stretch the time out from there.

What we have done about accidents is just in a matter-of-fact way have the child (to the best of his ability) help clean up the mess. Depending on their age, they can do everything from washing themselves to washing the floor to doing laundry. Even the littles can help with these chores, even if they can't do it all by themselves. Try to keep your expectations of what they can do age-appropriate to keep them from being overwhelmed, but don't underestimate their abilities either. You can always go along after them and touch up. :)

I did have a "three accidents in a day and you go into plastic training pants for the rest of the day" rule for a while with a couple of my kids. Very upbeat and positive, but "Oh, you've used up your underwear for today. Time for plastic pants. You can try again with just the underwear tomorrow." I can't remember if we used training underwear or cloth diapers under the plastic pants, but either would work. You can even put on two pairs of training underwear under the plastic pants.

This was more for my sake than for the kids, since cleaning up 3 accidents per day was about my limit of frustration at that stage. The plastic pants kept things contained so clean-up was easier, and were also less comfortable for the kids so they wanted to avoid them, but it was not a punishment the way we presented it.

Remember that if you punish or get upset about accidents (even if you think the kid is doing it on purpose), it can cause other issues like withholding and encopresis, which you do NOT want to have to deal with--I know people who have had that happen.

I've always felt it was very important to keep potty training positive and low-key, since little kids have big feelings about what's happening anyway. Some get scared of having something come out of their body that they don't have control over, some are afraid they're losing something important forever whenever the poop or pee goes away, some are afraid of the toilet flushing or of getting splashed, some think their poop will get scared or drown in the water or some other body part might fall in, some want to try to stop going to the bathroom forever when they are constipated or have diarrhea one day and it hurts a bit or feels wierd, and some accidentally pick up a message that going to the bathroom is somehow dirty or bad and want to make it go away or hide it. The emotions and thoughts can be so complex and varied, and kids are not necessarily able to articulate them.

It's easy to assume that a child is being naughty or stubborn, but kids don't have accidents on purpose just to annoy Mom and Dad.

Even if they are doing something like asserting control over their bodies, I don't think punishment is likely to help, and has much potential to cause problems. A matter-of-fact approach to having them sit on the potty, giving them positive associations (such as reading stories or singing songs) or something cheerful to keep their minds busy with, giving them choices related to using the potty whenever possible (which underwear to wear, choosing between using the potty or cleaning up after their accident, etc.) and at the same time giving them other areas of life where they can feel they have choices and control is likely to be helpful in such situations.

I've known of many dogs that had a similar issue--someone had punished the dog in the past for having accidents in the house, and so the dog now hides and tries to never let any human know it is going to the bathroom, because it thinks it will be punished for going to the bathroom. This, of course, results in withholding when the human is trying to get them to go and then having accidents back in a corner somewhere when people are not looking. Not that you can compare kids and dogs, but the same type of thing can happen with kids and potty training.

Remember, too, that you are not alone. Every other parent has also dealt with this issue. If you're running out of ideas or patience, remember to reach out. Someone is sure to have an idea you haven't tried yet, or at least to be able to offer understanding and encouragement.

I'd love to hear any ideas that have been helpful for others--feel free to share in the comments, or post on your own blog and share a link.

How Children Learn Manners

[Cross-posted on Embracing the Risk]

This article has some interesting food for thought.

I remember hearing, quite some time ago, that the best way to teach children to allow others to go first is not by forcing them to let everyone else go first all the time, but by seeing others model the "after you" attitude. I think of our family gatherings . . . The youngest children are almost always served first, followed by the oldest people in the gathering (i.e. grandma).

It seems that as the children grow older, they naturally gravitate from being the one stepped aside for, to stepping aside for others. (Sometimes, though, they do get some reminders or encouragement.)

The thought about it not being polite to tell others what to say has me thinking. I do think that, as parents, it is our job to coach our children and instruct them. But I do also think that kids naturally tend to reflect the tones and attitudes that are used toward them, and this is definitely something worth being aware of.

Right now we're dealing with the issue of our kids correcting others or telling them what to do a lot. I realized last night that when one of my kids is rude and judgmental toward someone, my responding in a rude and judgmental tone is not exactly helpful. So, I've been working on my response to this.

If I respond by saying something like, "[Child's first and middle name], that is NOT the way you talk to someone! How rude!" then I'm really modeling exactly the type of behavior I am trying to correct--harsh, rude and shaming.

Instead, I'm trying to come up with an approach that is instructive while modeling the respectful, polite tones that I want them to learn--something like, "Oops, that didn't come across very politely. Can you think of a kinder way to say that?" And then helping them with some ideas to rephrase it.

I'm also realizing that I need to teach my children not to interrupt and to listen politely when someone else is talking not just by instructing them in those skills. I also need to make a concerted effort to give them my full attention and listen politely without interrupting when they are talking.

What do you all think, and how do/would you approach these kinds of issues?

(More of my thoughts in the first comment.)

Communicating, not Manipulating

This is a follow-up post to Can Infants Lie?

This article discusses a study that supposedly showed that babies as young as 6 months have the capability to lie:

Dr Reddy said: "Fake crying is one of the earliest forms of deception to emerge, and infants use it to get attention even though nothing is wrong. You can tell, as they will then pause while they wait to hear if their mother is responding, before crying again.

"It demonstrates they're clearly able to distinguish that what they are doing will have an effect. This is essentially all adults do when they tell lies, except in adults it becomes more morally loaded."

To me, this says that the baby is beginning to develop an understanding of cause and effect, not that they're lying. The fact that they listen to see if you're coming in answer to their cry doesn't have anything to do with deceitfulness, IMHO.

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The fact that a baby may sometimes cry more when they have an audience doesn't necessarily mean they are faking it, either. This blog post by Carrie had a great take on this idea, I think. The whole post is very much worth the read, but I'll quote a sentence or two:

If a friend who is upset calls me and I answer the phone, she will likely tell me what’s on her mind. But what if she gets my machine? Will she pour out her heart and cry into the voicemail? Likely not. That means she’s “lying” if she cries on my shoulder in person, right?

Another article about Dr. Reddy says,

The researcher defines "fake" crying as being more calculated than the usual "I'm tired/hungry/wet/hurt/lonely" cries. . . .

"If crying is normally closely connected to some discomfort or distress, and this is its typical use, then disconnecting it from that typical use and using it more deliberately or instrumentally to get attention constitutes its fakeness."

That's what I was responding to with the comment that if your baby just wants Mommy, what do you expect them to do--send a telegram? Why decide that a cry is "fake" just because they don't have an easily-determinable "discomfort or distress"?

The article also mentioned that there was a different quality to the cries they judged as "fake". To me, that's not the baby "fake crying" . . . that's the baby using a different type of cry to communicate different things. The fact that the pitch and intensity of the baby's cries varies with different circumstances seems an argument against lying, not proof of dishonesty.

Babies live very much in the moment. They have no concept of time, and they know very little beyond the fact that they are uncomfortable. To them, it seems as though they've been hungry forever and will continue to be hungry forever. So they often cry with great urgency when they have a need.

But I don't think "selfishness" is the best way to describe this. Webster's dictionary defines selfishness this way:

"Caring supremely or unduly for one's self; regarding one's own comfort, advantage, etc., in disregard, or at the expense, of those of others."

The baby isn't taking someone else's food and eating it, or forcing the parent to feed it right now. It's just crying. It has no ability to deprive anyone else of anything--the parent could just as easily choose not to meet the baby's needs and let it cry. A baby has no way of knowing that it might be inconveniencing anyone.

It's not caring "unduly" for itself, because it has no ability to do otherwise. That level of concern for its own needs is necessary and appropriate for an infant. An infant who waited until it wouldn't be inconveniencing anyone before it cried might die of hunger. So I wouldn't connect the baby's crying with a motivation of selfishness.

Someone else made this comparison, which I thought was apt: What if you were in a terrible accident and you couldn't talk or move your body? Would it be selfish or manipulative of you to use the nurse's call button when you were hungry or needed to go to the bathroom, or the sun from the window was in your eyes, or you wanted the channel changed on the television?

As we discussed a bit in the comments of the last post, babies might be egocentric in the sense that they have no concept of time or of anyone else's needs, but they are not "selfish" in the sense that they are disregarding someone else's known needs in favor of their own or caring "unduly" for themselves. They are doing exactly what they are designed to do.

I've seen many people recommend that if a baby has been recently fed and changed, then the parent should not feel it necessary to pick them up when they cry. I definitely think there's a place for prioritizing other needs over that of the baby at times when the need does not seem urgent, but I think this should be done with caution and forethought, and I don't think it's a preferable method for teaching a baby anything. I can't picture leaving a baby crying alone for hours, as is done in the extreme cry-it-out methods.

Dr. Luther Emmett Holt, the first major promoter of the cry-it-out approach in the USA with his book, The Care and Feeding of Children, wrote,

"How is an infant to be managed that cries from temper, habit, or to be indulged?"

"It should simply be allowed to 'cry it out.' This often requires an hour, and, in some cases, two or three hours. A second struggle will seldom last more than ten or fifteen minutes, and a third will rarely be necessary."

On Becoming Babywise, which puts great emphasis on not allowing the baby to run the household with their selfish demands, says,

"When your baby awakens, give him a chance to resettle. You really do not need to rush right in right away. Any crying will be temporary, lasting from five to possibly forty-five minutes. Remember, this will be temporary!" ( pp 124-125 in 2001 edition, p. 123 in 1998 edition [the '98 edition is the one I have here]; emphasis mine) and, "Just remember, sometimes the best action is no action at all." (p. 151, 1998 edition)

One problem with this is that it necessarily requires an assumption on the part of the parent that they know what the child's needs are and that the baby doesn't need anything at a given moment. I think it's important to consider is that a baby's needs are not always obvious or easy to determine.

There were a number of times when one of my babies would wake up crying in the middle of the night and I would go pick them up, only to have them let out a huge burp and then settle back to sleep. Simply picking them up relieved their pain almost instantly. The "don't pick the baby up because then they won't learn to sleep on their own" school of thought would have let the baby continue to cry in pain for many minutes, or perhaps hours, alone in her crib.

I remember when AJ was still quite a tiny baby, and she began screaming and screaming, the intensity of her cries escalating as we tried to figure out what was wrong. It wasn't hunger or need of a diaper change, and picking her up and holding her didn't lessen the cries. It seemed that "there was nothing wrong."

Then I noticed a hair in her mouth and removed it rather absentmindedly, still trying to figure out the reason for her cries. Immediately, she stopped crying.

She was crying because of the hair in her mouth. She had no other way of telling us what was wrong or asking for help.

I don't believe that babies cry for no reason. Sometimes we can't figure out what the reason is, or sometimes we can't fix it. They might have an earache, or an itch they can't scratch, or just need emotional comfort and want to be held. Sometimes they may even just need to blow off steam by crying. But that doesn't mean there is no reason for their cries, or that they're "lying" or being "manipulative" or "selfish" by crying.

How can we as adults just decide that because we can't figure out and fix whatever is making the baby cry, it must not be important?

In my experience and opinion, when a baby cries a lot, nurses constantly, and is difficult to put down, it is likely to be the result of a physical issue such as reflux, tummy pain, inadequate food intake, an allergy or food intolerance, teething, ear infection, or some other type of health issue rather than the result of a "spoiled" baby.

Many complaints, including ear infections, sinus infections, and reflux, cause direct and specific discomfort when a baby is laid flat. A baby who cries when put down may actually be in pain. Being held can literally ease an infant's pain. The fact that a baby cries when put down and stops crying when picked up is not, as some writers would have us believe, instant proof that the baby is being manipulative.

I found that my children were actually more content and happier to be put down for longer periods of time when they were not in pain, had all their needs met consistently, and were as a rule promptly picked up when they cried. This fits with what other parents have shared, and a number of studies have shown. Being held and cuddled--not just when they "need" something--is an actual physical need. Babies cannot thrive without this nurturing.

In Preparation for Parenting, Gary and Anne Marie Ezzo discourage parents' spending too much time holding and interacting with their babies. They do encourage parents to interact with the babies while giving basic care, but otherwise the baby is expected to spend much of the day (while not sleeping) playing alone ("playpen time" is very important in the GKGW program):

"One thing is certain: Your baby doesn't need to be carried or entertained by you all day long" (page 130) . . . "In addition to feeding, changing, and bathing your baby, you might have at least one playtime a day when the baby has your full attention for 15 minutes or so." (page 132)

I'm certainly not saying that everyone should hold their baby all the time. There's a large range of variations between holding the baby constantly and limiting them to 15 minutes a day of interaction beyond basic care.

I do think that there are times when it may be necessary for a parent to put a baby down in a safe place and let them cry for a short time. A parent should never feel guilty about doing this if they are at the end of their patience and have been unable to soothe the baby (it's always better to put the baby down in a safe place for a few minutes than to punish or yell at it), or if they need to do something they cannot safely do while holding the baby.

When Baby E would scream for hours or days at a time, there were times when I had to put her down and let her cry while I helped another child with the potty, cooked dinner, or took a couple of minutes to calm my nerves in another room.

But I never saw it as teaching her not to be selfish. I saw it as balancing everyone's needs the best I could.

Quite possibly there are some babies and/or some times when babies do need to cry, and parents can be sensitive to that. I loved Moxie's theory about there being at least two different kinds of babies: those who release tension by crying, and those who increase tension by crying.

Some kids may just need to fuss a bit before falling asleep, and will do that even if they're being held. Some kids may be fine being put into the crib and allowed to blow off steam for a few minutes. Others will work themselves into a frenzy and end up traumatized if left to cry. There is no "one size fits all" method that works perfectly for every baby.

All in all, I think the bottom line comes down to figuring out the baby's needs and what works for the family--while, hopefully, treating the needs and desires of everyone in the family with value and respect.

One thing that really impacted my parenting was something my sister-in-law shared with me after her beautiful 3-month-old son died of SIDS.

SIL said that an older mother had encouraged her to relax and enjoy the time her baby was small, and just enjoy all the cuddling. Babies grew up quickly, she said, and the time for holding and cuddling them is short. Relish that time that they want to be held in your arms, and are small enough to carry around. Enjoy their babyhood before it's gone.

She never knew how precious that advice would be.

My sister-in-law shared with me that she was so thankful this more experienced mother had given this advice, and that SIL had followed it. He was a baby who liked to be held a lot, and SIL felt the freedom to hold her baby as much as she wanted to without worrying that she was going to "spoil" him.

In the three months that little William was on this earth, his mother lavished love and affection on him--holding him, playing with him, loving and cuddling him, often carrying him while she tended to her other children and tasks.

He responded by pouring out more exuberant love and connection than I think I'd ever seen from a baby that young. His entire body convulsed with joy when his mother walked into the room; his eyes lit up and his gaze followed her with delight. He was an exceptionally happy and interactive infant. I loved holding him because he would look straight into my eyes and smile and coo with such joy and enthusiasm.

When he died, SIL had so many wonderful memories. There were no regrets about how she'd chosen to spend those three months with her baby.

I think that was one of many things God used in my life to prepare me to mother Baby E, with her health issues and constant crying. Somehow, after that, I simply could not resent having a baby who needed to be held almost constantly.

Can infants lie?

There are a number of teachers and writers who say that infants can "lie" or be manipulative by crying when they aren't hungry, wet, or hurt. I remember reading somewhere that if a baby cried, and then stopped crying when you came into the room, they were being manipulative.

Personally, I was always touched and pleased when my baby stopped crying when she saw me coming (or heard me say I was coming) because, to me, that communicated that she loved and trusted me so much that she had complete confidence I would be able to take care of whatever her need was.

"Oh, Mommy is here! Everything will be all better now."

That, or she just wanted me.

I just can't imagine taking offense at the fact that my child finds comfort in my presence.

The thing is, babies can only communicate by crying. And they don't necessarily know why they are uncomfortable or how to fix it. They don't know if that pain in their tummy is hunger or gas or loneliness. They just know something's not right, and so they cry.

When someone thinks a baby is lying or manipulating because they are crying "just" because they want a parent nearby or want to be held, I wonder: It's a baby. It wants you. How do you expect it to communicate that, by sending you a telegram? If there's some unwritten rule that only "urgent needs" are allowed to be communicated by crying, then you'd better install a telegraph machine in the crib and teach the baby Morse Code so they can tell you if they're cold or bored or lonely, or the light from the window is glaring in their eyes, or whatever. But before you can do that, you have to teach them how to figure out why they're uncomfortable and what exactly will fix it.

Seriously, the idea that babies can lie presupposes that they know exactly why they're uncomfortable, have figured out how to fix it, guess that you won't think it is important enough to fix, know exactly what you WILL think is important enough to fix, know how to communicate differently for each of these things, and so calculate mentally the exact frequency and intensity of crying to try to make you think they are hungry, when they know that really they are lonely and just want to be held--but if they only tell you that they want to be held, you might not do it. Oh, and they also must understand that they can communicate something specific to you, and that a particular cry on their part will bring about a particular response on your part that would be different from your response to a different cry. And then figure out which cry to emit. And have the muscle tone, voice modulation and air control to make the sound come out exactly the way they planned.

So they think ahead and scheme to try to make you think they are hurt or hungry by crying at a particular megahertz and frequency to communicate something they know is not true to get you to do something specific that they have in mind.

The idea that babies can actually lie presupposes an understanding of truth and fiction, cause and effect, object permanence, communication, predicting another's actions, calculating exactly what stimulus will be likely to give rise to a particular response, and a number of other quite advanced reasoning and interpersonal skills.

If the baby actually had the capability to do that, they probably could send you a telegram.

I do think that once they're a little older, they are experimenting with and beginning to learn about things like cause and effect and object permanence. ("I don't see Mommy. If I cry, will she appear from somewhere, or is she gone forever??")

But at the age when they still don't even understand that their own hands are attached to their arms, I think the biggest thing they learn from our response to their crying is that they're not alone in the world. When they need something, they will be cared for and when they call, someone will answer.* And that's foundational to all sorts of other truths and skills in life. To me, that concept is even foundational to my faith.



*Obviously there are times when a parent can't always answer immediately.

Growing in Grace

Ever since we had a talk about why, exactly, it's bad for the couch to jump on it and followed it up with family conversation brainstorming ways to meet the kids' jumping needs, the older two girls have had a much easier time treating the couch gently.

I've had to remind them maybe a couple of times in the last day or two, but they've pretty much left the couch alone. I've also made a point to play games with them that involve lots of jumping on the floor and other appropriate places. :)

We've been considering different ideas for jumping, and at the moment we're all leaning toward getting a big foam pad or cheap mattress or something like that, and trying to find some foam blocks or second-hand couch cushions to jump on and make forts out of. Since the kids want to play games of imagination with their jumping, they didn't think a mini trampoline would be as much fun.

Today Ebee started sliding down the arm of the couch while I cooked breakfast. I went over to her and said, "Ebee, the couch is not for sliding. If you want to slide, you can go outside and slide down the slide." She responded by starting to jump on the couch instead of sliding down it. :)

I said, "It's not good for the couch to jump on it." She said, "Dzump on the flooy, and wun on the flooy?" and got down and started running and jumping on the floor.

Yesterday was one of those "wow, they're really starting to get it" days. There were so many instances where I could see that the kids are really internalizing the things we've been trying to teach them.

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During our home group (Bible study) meeting yesterday afternoon, I noticed that M&M and Ebee started to get into an argument about a ball. But then--all on their own, with no adult intervention--they stopped and came to a solution about how they could both play with it together. They decided to roll it back and forth to each other, and had a blast doing it.

In the afternoon M&M took AJ's new toy teddy bear and hid it because she was jealous and wanted it. When AJ became upset that it was missing, M&M confessed what she had done and gave it back to her.

We talked about how sad that made AJ and why it was wrong, and then we tried to think of a way for M&M to make it right. I remembered that the Bible lays out a principle that when someone steals something, they need to give back double what they took as restitution, not just return the item they stole.

I mentioned the Biblical idea of restitution and suggested that M&M might want to consider giving AJ one of her own toys that she cared about to keep for a day, to help make up for taking AJ's toy for a day. M&M cried at the idea, but she decided that she would do it. She chose one of her most treasured possessions--a stuffed cat--to let AJ have until the next day.

It really touched my heart to see M&M weeping bitterly at the separation from her beloved toy, but choosing to do the difficult thing to make amends to her sister.

In the book Unconditional Parenting (which I have read only part of), Alfie Kohn talks about not saying "how would you feel if . . . " when a child does something that hurts someone else or makes them sad, but instead taking an approach of, "how do you think it makes that person feel when . . . ". That seems to be so much more effective for M&M than just asking her to think about how SHE would feel if someone had done something similar to her.

Kohn pointed out that the first version of the question (how would you feel if someone did this to you) has two problems:

First, it is more self-focused. It invites the child to focus on their own feelings and desires instead of on the other person's feelings.

And, it doesn't really take into account that the other person might feel differently about it. We've run into that problem quite a bit with our kids--they say, "Well, *I* wouldn't mind if someone did that to me, so I will do it to them." But maybe they don't mind being sat on, and the other person does.

"Do unto others as you would have them do unto you" is a very important principle, but I think it necessarily requires empathy and understanding of what you would want that person to do to you if you were them. Treating others the way you would want to be treated, when you know that they actually don't want to be treated that way, really doesn't follow the heart of the golden rule.

I think both questions can be useful, and considering the first can certainly help to develop empathy. But I don't want my kids (or myself) to stop at the first question. We somehow need to go beyond that to considering how the other person really feels about the matter.

This week I've been trying a new approach: having the child look into the eyes of the person she hurt to consider how they are feeling and try to put it into words. Especially for M&M, it is really hard to look the person in the face and make eye contact with their emotion, knowing that her action was the cause of it. But it seems to be instrumental in bringing about true compassion and repentance.

Last night AJ started out rather uncaring about M&M's stuffed cat. But when I quietly pointed out to her how special the cat was to M&M and how hard it was for her to let AJ have it for a while, AJ began treating it (and M&M) with extreme care and respect.

When she realized that M&M had loaned her the cat because she chose to, and not because I made her, it made a much greater impression on AJ. She suddenly valued the gesture and M&M's treasured pet, believed M&M's apology, and forgave her. She asked M&M's input on where the cat should sleep and how to do various things with it, and made sure to let M&M hold it for a few minutes before bed.

Then she offered to let M&M to hold the coveted teddy bear while I read the bedtime story.

When we prayed at the end of our bedtime routine, Ebee thanked God that M&M shared her kitty with AJ and that M&M shared her teddy bear with AJ. She had such admiration, pleasure, and sweet sincerity in her little voice as she gave thanks for her sisters' kindness to each other. I sat there thinking that I wouldn't want to miss these moments for the world.

Just before the girls went to sleep, Ebee was arranging her dolls to go to sleep also, when M&M realized that Ebee had one of M&M's dolls. We have 3 of the same doll, and there are only subtle differences, so Ebee thought it was hers and M&M was insistent that it was hers.

We looked at the doll carefully, and M&M calmed down enough to articulately point out the differences and the little marks that showed it was hers. Ebee listened and cried because she wanted to keep the doll.

Finally Ebee agreed that it was M&M's doll, but she wanted to keep it because she didn't know where her own was.

I said, "Ebee, I know you didn't mean to take M&M's doll, and we don't know where yours is. We'll help you look for yours later. But right now, you have M&M's doll. What do you think you should do about that?"

I completely expected her to put up a battle. I'm certain that if anyone had tried to take the doll from her by force, or order her to give it back, she would have held onto it with all her might, kicking and screaming. I could have forced her to give it up at that point, but it certainly wouldn't have been willingly on her part.

But when I asked Ebee what SHE thought should be done, she looked at the doll and then at M&M. Then she said, "Oh. I'm sowwy, M&M. Hewe you doh." And she handed M&M the doll.

It's amazing to me how, given the chance, the kids will often choose to do what they know is right. With my kids, I'm finding that they often remain self-focused if I step in with an order or force to make them do it. They may do it, but often grudgingly.

But even the 2-year-old often has an amazing capacity to choose the loving thing when given the freedom to make that choice and encouraged to think about the other person instead of herself. (Of course, this is in a context of lots of modeling, teaching and prayer throughout their lives that, I think, helps them to be more likely to make the right choices.)

When they don't make the choice on their own, then sometimes I may have to step in and enforce it. But I'm realizing that I can rob both my children and me of so much by stepping in too soon or with too much force.

I don't want to steal from them the opportunity and experience of doing the right thing not because they have to, but because they choose to. In many situations, it seems to be my task to help them understand what is right more than to make them do it. It's truly a beautiful thing when they freely choose what they know is right.

Maybe that's a small part of why God chose to give us so many choices, and so much free will.

Jumping Ideas Needed

The kids really really like to jump, but I don't want them jumping on the beds or couches (partly because of safety issues, and partly to take care of the furniture--and also because most of our furniture is borrowed and doesn't actually belong to us).

The floor isn't really bouncy enough to be a satisfying place to jump.

Neither DH nor I are comfortable with the idea of a trampoline, because we've seen too many really serious injuries from trampolines.

I've thought of getting an old mattress to put on the floor just for the kids to jump on, but I'm highly allergic to dust mites and all I can think of is dust mites spewing into the air with every bounce. :)

Are there any other options anyone can think of that would be relatively safe, inexpensive, and not too hard on my allergies? It also needs to be something that could be stowed away when necessary, and is not too hard to set up and take down. I'm wondering if an air mattress would work, but am not sure if it would be bouncy enough or durable enough.

Any other ideas?

Babywise?

Here's an interesting article by Dr. Sears addressing some of the Christian parenting advice from those who claim to be teaching the only correct formula for "growing kids God's way".

Do you agree? Disagree? Have something to add?

I'll put my thoughts in the comments when I have a few minutes to write them out.