Serious crying

It was a horrible feeling. I had finally wrangled the kids up to the table for lunch (english muffin & egg sandwiches with canned peaches) and was carrying the baby across the kitchen when M screamed. She was falling backwards off the chair, booster seat and all. But I was too far away to catch her. As if in slow motion, I saw her land on the floor on top of the booster seat, then tip backwards over it on the small of her back. Her head flew forward, then back to land on the linoleum.

For a moment, my first instinct was to throw whatever I had in my hands in any random direction as I raced to my daughter, but immediately I was checked as I realized the object in my hands was the baby.

M took a deep breath and cried hard, the cry of an injured and frightened child. As I rushed toward her, I looked around frantically for a place to put the baby down. Wooden chair? No. Linoleum floor, among the crumbs and just-spilled milk? Not the best idea. Besides, carefully setting the baby down anywhere would prolong the time until I could get to M. I felt so frantic and helpless.


I ended up holding the baby in one arm while trying unsuccessfully to pick up M with the other arm. Thankfully, she wasn't seriously hurt--more frightened than anything. She said the only thing that hurt was her tailbone area. Poor kid. She seemed to get over it fairly quickly, though.

Then I set A's plate of egg sandwich in front of her and forgot to warn her that it was hot. She found out when she burned herself picking it up. I apologized profusely and felt terrible, of course.

There are a lot of things that are essentially impossible to do safely while holding a baby--cooking over a hot stove and bathing other children being two of them. I had ample opportunity to find this out today.

Baby E cried more and harder today, on her 4-week birthday, than on any other day since she was born. It wasn't just fussing or discomfort crying, either. Definitely not the type of non-emergency cry I have learned to ignore if necessary. It was sudden, full-out, high-pitched, non-stop, "come on baby, breathe!" hysterical screaming. The cry of pure panic and/or pain.

It was the "something is really wrong" cry. Only I couldn't figure out what was wrong. And we were supposed to be getting ready for an afternoon wedding that we really couldn't miss, since A was the flower girl.

I fed her, burped her, changed her, gave her gas drops, held her in every different position I could think of, fed her some more. I tried rocking, shushing, swaddling, propping her up in the bouncy seat. She fell asleep several times, but it never lasted for more than literally a couple of minutes after I put her down. The longest stretch she slept from waking up in the morning until we left for the wedding sometime after 2:30 p.m. was about 5-10 minutes, during which I managed to get most of the way through the older girls' baths before she was screaming again.

The only thing that helped at all was holding her. She would still fuss, but at least she wasn't screaming--except for that last 45 minutes before we had to leave, when even holding her only very slightly abated the intensity of her screams.

I laid her down and let her scream when I absolutely had to and rather unsuccessfully tried to get all of us fed and ready to go while holding her the rest of the time.

About halfway through the getting-ready process I discovered that A's flower girl dress was in the trunk of DH's car, which he had taken to work. And the dress I was planning to wear had gotten all twisted and shrunken in the dryer (yes, it was supposed to be washer and dryer safe). No problem, I had a backup. Only it apparently wasn't washer-safe, even though I'd washed it in cold water and hung it to dry. It looked like some strange, failed textile/chemical experiment.

I had two other nursing dresses. But one of them was missing a button on the bodice and the other was not only in the dirty clothes hamper, but also solid black. Not exactly appropriate for a wedding.

Have I mentioned that laundry is not my strong suit?

I called DH about A's dress. He had not planned to come to the wedding since it was so early in the day. But, amazingly, he had already decided that he would need to get off work early and come to the wedding with us. He said that when he saw what it was like at the rehearsal last night, he realized I would really need his help. Between nursing/holding the baby, coaching A through her flower girl duties, and entertaining M while keeping everyone out of the fountain and the mud, I don't think I could have done it without him. What a great guy. He stayed in the background during the wedding in case he's still contagious, though he's mostly over his illness.

He got home about 15 minutes before we needed to leave. At that point none of us were dressed, nobody had their hair done and most of us were in tears. Yes, I was one of the crying group. We scrambled to get ready. The baby needed to nurse again, and it seemed there was no way we could all get ready in time. We decided we would need to just send A with DH to get there in time for photos and the rest of us would come in time for the wedding an hour later, after we finished getting ready. Then the baby finally fell into a fitful sleep.

We went into warp speed. I decided to forget being perfect or even pretty good and just worry about being dressed and getting out the door. I threw on something that was frumpy, kind of ugly and a bit wrinkled, but would have to do. We whipped clothes over the girls' heads and I braided and beribboned A's hair while DH found everyone's shoes and got the baby into the carrier. I burned my finger rinsing E's pacifier in the insta-hot, and DH developed a cough sometime during the course of the day, but we all made it in one piece.

We ended up skipping several things we had planned to do, like bathing Baby E and changing her into something more dressy, braiding M's hair, and bringing along snacks and books. We forgot about the wedding gift (we'll have to give it to them later), but we made it to the wedding location. And we were only 5 minutes late, which meant we were actually there well before they needed A for pictures.

I had time to nurse the baby before the wedding while DH kept track of the older girls. Since the baby was being held constantly, she slept through the entire wedding.

The bride has a 3 1/2-year-old son, so the wedding was very kid-friendly, complete with a reception table full of bubbles, coloring books and toy cars. The girls behaved beautifully and A was gorgeous and sweet as the flower girl.

A few highlights (besides the bride, who was radiant, and the groom, who looked like he'd won the lottery):

The girls did a great job of staying out of the fountain and the dirt. M kept walking over to the fountain, hovering near it, making her way all the way around it, and then pulling herself away. She wanted so badly to put her hands in the water, but restrained herself beautifully. It was really cute to watch, and I was so proud of her.

A was so friendly and put everyone at ease. She hugged and comforted the nervous ringbearer (the bride's son) and sweetly encouraged him so that he didn't seem to mind his tuxedo or his march down the aisle after all. She was so sweetly intent on her Very Important Job of dropping flower petals that she walked very slowly and barely looked up on her way down the aisle, but everyone thought it was adorable. And she smiled radiantly the rest of the time. She posed happily for photos, and the photographers gushed about how beautiful she was. She briefly escaped from her seat in the middle of the wedding ceremony to try to gather up the flower petals from the path and put them back into the basket.

M sat quietly during the ceremony, snuggling up to me and constantly hugging and kissing the baby. While A colored so intently she didn't want her cake, M ate both her own piece of cake and A's. They came home with bubbles and toy cars after a lovely afternoon playing with other children in the sunny yard.

Baby E slept and slept, even while being passed around and admired. She only woke up briefly when A accidentally kicked her in the head. (DH was holding her, so I'm not exactly sure how that happened, but you didn't think we'd escape this day with anyone not getting injured, did you?) She didn't even cry then, though, and went right back to sleep.

I enjoyed the wedding and the visits with friends. And I think DH at least enjoyed the food, and watching the girls have such a wonderful time.

Baby E has continued to cry a lot this evening. She wakes up and cries every time I put her down. Now she's crying and crying again despite being held.

DH went out to buy and deliver the gift for his niece and will purchase a vibrating bouncy seat while he's out. We figure that since Baby E loves the car, the vibrating seat is at least worth a try.

Baby E has burped and passed gas several times, but still seems miserable. One of us may end up sleeping in the recliner with her on our chest tonight. She doesn't have a fever or any other obvious signs of illness. But if she's still acting like this tomorrow I may take her in to the doctor to rule out an ear infection or other illness.

Meanwhile, I'm getting really good at typing one-handed.

I need a .zip device that works on real life

It's now 11:30 a.m. In the next few hours I need to feed the kids (and probably myself) lunch, buy my niece (who is leaving the country tomorrow and won't be back until next summer) a present, decide on a wedding gift and wrap it, bathe all four of us and get us dressed (the clothes I'll be wearing are in the wash as I type), get A dolled up in her flower girl outfit, French-braid the girls' hair, nurse the baby several times, and get us all to the wedding location in time for photos at 3:00. Hmmm, maybe I'll postpone the birthday-gift-buying until after the wedding.

It's an outdoor wedding, complete with a little dirt path and a fountain. Which computes to: mud. Last night at the rehearsal the kids had a blast playing in the fountain and the dirt. Today A will be wearing a long, full, filmy, billowy white dress.

Wish us luck. :)

New to the blogroll: Sparrow's Flight

My youngest sister has finally started her own blog: Sparrow's Flight. Feel free to stop by and welcome her to the blogosphere.

Breakfast for lunch

I think I spoke too soon yesterday. My brain and body are still on vacation.

Actually, I am having occasional periods of slightly more energy and fuctionality. Even a few moments of comparative mental clarity. They last for all of about 10 minutes. Still, probably a good sign.

At the moment 2 out of 3 kids are screaming and my attempts to get them to sleep are failing. So what's a Mommy to do? Write a blog entry, of course. One thing about being a relatively experienced mother of young children (after all, I've done this three times now) is that non-emergency crying doesn't bother me nearly as much as it used to.


M is currently throwing a tantrum in her bed. She has been implacable today. No matter what I do, she wants the other thing. At the moment she doesn't want to take a much-needed nap, doesn't like the books I gave her to read in bed but doesn't want any different ones, etc. etc. She was beside herself because I gave her milk in a cup with a straw, which she would normally love. "Sorry, Honey, but we're out of clean sippy cups. You can have milk with a straw or no milk at all." More howls.

A, at least, is playing quietly in her room.

Baby E is at the moment draped over my left shoulder, crying. As she has been for most of her waking moments and many of her fitfully-sleeping times over the past, oh, I forget how many days. She's still not sleeping well at night, and with DH being sick I'm more concerned about keeping him from sneezing on her than about utilizing his help. Last night she slept, but very restlessly, with lots of moaning, snuffling and general miserable-ness. The crib alarm went off several times; I don't think it works as well with the wedge I put in the crib to raise Baby E's head to help with reflux.

DH worked from home again until almost noon, which meant that when Baby E finally fell into a sound sleep around 7 (when I took her into my bed and just let her stay there), I got to sleep for a few hours while he got the older girls breakfast and refereed their play.

The girls weren't interested in sandwiches at lunch time, and I didn't have energy to do anything elaborate. So I promised them pancakes. They were ecstatic. Then I remembered we were out of non-dairy milk. Hmmm, what else do we have? Well, water. And about a cup of flat generic cola in the bottom of a 2-liter.

Flipping through one of my favorite cookbooks, Bounteous Blessings, I came across a recipe for crepes that called for soda instead of milk or water. Hmmm, interesting. It called for Sprite/7-up/mineral water, but I thought cola would be worth a try.

The crepes definitely unusual, but quite tasty. The kids were thrilled to have "soda-pop pancakes." The recipe called for a cream cheese filling and berry glaze, but we ate them plain, without syrup. They were plenty sweet and the cola flavor was strong enough that they didn't need anything else. I'll have to buy DH more soda (sorry, Dear), but when combined with peanut butter on a spoon and bananas, I think the cola crepes made for a fairly balanced meal. Not to mention fun and unique.

Now the kids are all quiet, so I'm going to ignore the mountains of housework crying out to be done and take a nap with the baby.

P.S. Thank goodness for spell-check.

Sadness

Badger's husband, Mr. Badger, has ended his battle with cancer. He was just 34, and left a wife and son behind. Please go on over and offer your condolences at Badger's blog, Badgerings.

Alabare'

Well, I think maybe my brain function is beginning to return, at least in small increments. Despite some of my readers' kind comments, my blogging quality and variety has definitely suffered in the past few weeks and months with the birth of my baby.

Since I'm finally beginning to think and write something other than stream-of-consciousness unorganized thoughts about sleep deprivation, infants and preschoolers, you can expect to see a gradual return to regularly scheduled programming. Which, of course, means nothing in particular, really. Hopefully it will entail a slightly better quality of writing, a little more depth of thought and a wider variety of topics woven in with the stories about life in the Purple_Kangaroo home.

DH is sick today. Something he picked up on the airplane. So I sent him to sleep in the guest room last night so he wouldn't infect me and the baby, and so he could get a good night's sleep.

He doesn't have any sick time or vacation time left after taking time off when Baby E was born, so he can't call in sick. But he can work from home. So he's working from his laptop today. I'm sorry he's sick, but it is so nice to have him around. I'm trying to make sure he's at least eating something and drinking lots of orange juice and the occasional dose of Airborne.

The kids are so much more peaceable now that he's home; especially when both of us are here. They're playing nicely with each other and just seem so much happier.

It was nice to have DH able to keep an eye on the two older girls while he was working so I could shower. I took the baby in the bathroom and put her in the bouncy seat since she was a bit fussy and seems to like the sound of the fan and the running water.

Today, however, the white noise didn't do the trick. Baby E was still fussy, so I sang to her while I took a shower. That seemed to help a bit, but not a whole lot--until I started singing in Spanish. I don't know if it was the unusual language or the lively tune, but she liked it.

She got quiet and listened while I sang:

ALABARE, ALABARE, ALABARE,
ALABARE, ALABARE A MI SEÑOR (BIS)

Juan vió al número de los redimidos.
Todos adoraban al Señor.
Unos oraban, otros cantaban.
Todos alababan al Señor.

Somos tus hijos, Dios Padre eterno,
Tú nos has creado por amor.
Te adoramos, te bendecimos.
Todos cantamos en tu honor.

Todos unidos, siempre cantaremos
glorias y alabanzas al Señor.
Gloria al Padre, gloria al Hijo,
gloria al Espíritu de Amor.


I like the song. Roughly, it means

Praising, praising, praising God. (chorus repeated twice between each set of verses)

John saw the number of the redeemed,
All giving adoration to God.
Some were singing, others were praying.
All were praising the Lord.

We are all your children, God our Eternal Father.
You have created us by love (or, for love).
You we adore, you we bless.
All of us sing together in your honor.

All united, always singing together
Glory and praise to the Lord
Glory to the Father, glory to the Son,
Glory to the Spirit of Love.

I like it because it reminds me how different people in the Body of Christ approach God in different ways. Some may praise God by singing, others by praying or speaking, still others by their art, service or actions. But all are unified together in raising praise to God. Singing it in another language drives home even more that I have brothers and sisters all over the world, each worshipping our God in a unique way. It's something I love about my faith.

My nephew Daniel has been blogging a series about what worship is and how we approach it. It makes for some interesting reading if the topic appeals to you.

Worship is so much more than just singing. It's not just something we do at church on Sudays before the sermon; it's a way of life. It's so much broader and more essential to the Christian life than we tend to think. As we live our lives in a way that glorifies God, our worship joins with that of others all over the world, rising together in a rich and beautiful incense of praise.

Perspectives

The mothers' room at church is a unique place of fellowship. Ensconced in sofas and overstuffed chairs, women sit around the dimly-lit room with their babies.

Our church is relatively informal--people in suits are easy to spot as visitors among the crowd in polo shirts and jeans. But the mothers' room is a world of its own. The muted beiges and pinks, the diffuse amber light from little lamps on softly curved end tables, the deep sofas, the multitude of cushions scattered around the room create a very un-church-like setting.

It's set up like a living room, with furniture facing the center of the room. The one-way window overlooking the backs of the congregation seems more like an incidental feature than the focus of the room. We can hear the service and can easily look down to see the happenings from an angel's eye view. People sit in rows below, standing to sing or sitting to listen to the message. The platform where the musicians and speakers stand faces us across the way.

We have a pretty good view of the service. But we don't sit in rows facing the window. We sit in conversation groupings, facing the room itself. Facing each other.

We hold our babies and watch the vignettes of other mothers and their children. Women look up, smile and speak quietly when one enters or leaves the room. Nobody is anonymous or unnoticed.

Some women are relaxed and comfortable, chatting quietly and enjoying the moment to get away. They are happy to sit in peace and not have to worry about their babies disturbing anyone. Others are just tired; their faces lined with fatigue and frustration as their babies fuss unceasingly. Some, especially new first-time mothers, seem shy and tense, trying to shush their babies and not meeting the eyes gazing across the dim room.

As the minutes pass, and as the mornings turn into weeks and months of sitting in the same room with the same handful of people, a melding takes place. Between listening to the messages and caring for our children, we learn each others' names and details about our lives and families. We exchange notes and tips about soothing fussy babies and balancing life with infants and older children, work, or other variables. We sympathize about sleep deprivation and sore nipples.

The uneasy mothers become more relaxed as they realize that nobody here cares if their baby makes loud smacking noises or cries, or if their little one crawls across the room. If we didn't want to be bothered by the presence of children we would be down in the sanctuary, sitting in neat rows of chairs facing the pulpit.

Here we are all women, all mothers. We smile at each other's babies, offer to hold a fussy child while another mom digs through the diaper bag for gas drops, exchange quips about the sermon. But most of all, we realize that we are not alone.

The mothers' room is a comfortable place for those of us with small children to be able to feed and care for our babies without missing the service. But it's also a place to nurture a special bond with other women who share much in common.

Today I was chatting with another mom who had a baby girl in the same hospital on the same day we had Baby E. We shared notes during our pregnancies and eagerly anticipated the births of our babies together.

I mentioned that this week was especially difficult because my husband had been away. She shared that her husband is in the military and had only a few days off to be with her during and after her C-section. He's been gone for two weeks already, and her life is largely that of a single mom with two children.

Suddenly, my life took on a new perspective.

I felt like I barely survived a single week without my husband, dealing with two young children and a newborn. But somehow other women manage to do it alone for weeks, months, even years at a time. Some do it because they have to; others choose to make the sacrifice for a cause they believe in.

My new friend let me catch a glimpse of how good I really have it. The loneliness and pain in her eyes as she talked about how difficult it is living with her husband's long absences made my struggles of the past week seem small in comparison.

I got her phone number today, and I plan to call her this week. I hope I can help her in some way. I think we can encourage and support each other.

I'm looking forward to the relationships that will develop over the next few months in the mother's room.

Eleventy-One Things About Me #31

Eleventy-One Things #31. I am a nerd.

Found at Scrivenings and Badgerings:

Take The Nerd? Geek? or Dork? Test (written by donathos on Ok Cupid) and see how you score.

My score:

Modern, Cool Nerd
95 % Nerd, 56% Geek, 43% Dork

For The Record:

A Nerd is someone who is passionate about learning/being smart/academia.
A Geek is someone who is passionate about some particular area or subject, often an obscure or difficult one.
A Dork is someone who has difficulty with common social expectations/interactions.
You scored better than half in Nerd and Geek, earning you the title of: Modern, Cool Nerd.

Nerds didn't use to be cool, but in the 90's that all changed. It used to be that, if you were a computer expert, you had to wear plaid or a pocket protector or suspenders or something that announced to the world that you couldn't quite fit in. Not anymore. Now, the intelligent and geeky have eked out for themselves a modicum of respect at the very least, and "geek is chic." The Modern, Cool Nerd is intelligent, knowledgable and always the person to call in a crisis (needing computer advice/an arcane bit of trivia knowledge). They are the one you want as your lifeline in Who Wants to Be a Millionaire (or the one up there, winning the million bucks)!

Congratulations!

How you compared to other people your age and gender:

You scored higher than 99% on nerdiness

You scored higher than 80% on geekosity

You scored higher than 76% on dork points


Just for the record, I had to do a Google search on what is a nerd geek dork before discussing this issue. Just because, you know, I'm a nerd and I had to know all about it.

Here is a cartoon that explains it perfectly.

I am definitely a geeky nerd. Why do I say so, you ask? You may wish you hadn't asked.

I collect random bits of information. Like the fact that the scientific name of the striped skunk is mephitis mephitis. Mephitis means a bad smell, so the striped skunk is a bad smell doubled. Rather appropriate, I think.

If I'm even mildly interested in a subject, I tend to want to learn all about it. And I mean all about it.

I can tell you the chemical composition of the various substances used to make dolls, and the pros and cons of each--even though I've never made a doll.

I can tell you the features, safety scores, consumer reviews and details about just about any car seat or stroller on the market, because I did a lot of research about baby products when we were trying to decide what to buy for our kids. I know more about baby products than anyone I've ever met.

I'm obsessive about having information before I make decisions. That can backfire sometimes, of course. It takes me forever to make a decision about almost anything.

And, I like to share that information with others. Especially where it relates to children's safety. I occasionally interrupt people in stores as they're debating between two products to ask if they'd like more information, and I've been knows to help perfect strangers in parking lots fix the installation of their infant seats. No, I'm not a car seat safety technician. But I probably could be. People call me to ask what items to buy for their babies now. I've thought about starting a business as a baby product doula to help people register for and buy baby items.

I can tell you what brand of clothes just about any child I see is wearing and make a pretty good guess as to what year it was made and maybe even come up with the line name, because I used to sell kids' clothing on eBay.

I can explain to you the chemical composition of carbon dioxide and how it is related to the chemical composition of water. Or how many grams of glucose are in a can of soda as compared to the glucola drink used to test glucose in pregnancy, and how that computes in terms of teaspoons of sugar. I know what makes a stinging nettle burn, what parts of a cattail are edible, and how to start a fire without matches. Just because.

I can tell you all about the internal structure of a frog, which organs are where and what purposes they serve.

Or how water is purified, and exactly how the different methods of purifying water work and what the results are.

I can tell you how many elephants Hannibal had.

I can explain the difference between traditional and modern haiku, and what a cinquain is. I can write either one.

I can tell you the history behind many nursery rhymes, folk songs and old stories--and quote them to you.

I can accurately quote large portions of court transcripts and other documents and articles relating to the Terri Schiavo case, and probably explain every theory out there as to what exactly happened to her and why people might subscribe to one or the other. I think I understand the reasoning behind all the theories, even the ones I don't think are likely.

I can tell you all about how the Cavalier King Charles Spaniel breed was developed, the history of the breed, breed standards and stories about famous Cavaliers from the past. The same with many other breeds of dogs, rabbits, cats, horses or other creatures.

I can explain to you what prostaglandin gel is made of and how it works--but I won't, because you probably really don't want to know.

And that's just a small taste of my geeky nerdiness.

I probably am a bit of a dork, too, although I prefer to think of myself as relatively unaffected by the more inane societal pressures, such as drinking a certain brand of coffee or dressing a particular way. I tend to be rather . . . unconventional. As I've grown, I've become less annoying about it and more just interestingly unique, I hope. Although I'm sure I still have a lot to learn.

I like facts. I love knowledge. And I'm an unashamed, unabashed nerd.

How nerdy are you?

11 photos and a game

1.

Baby E is really growing up! These came out dark because my camera's batteries are dying, but oh well. That baby acne looks painful. It doesn't seem to bother her though. If anyone has any good tips for getting rid of it, let me know.

Some of these pictures would really lend themselves to cute or funny captions. The photos are numbered so you can identify each if you want to post a potential caption in the comments. There will be awards for the best captions.

2.




3.

4.

5.

6.

7.

8.

And a couple of older pics . . .

9.

10.

11.

FYI . . .

I've turned on the word verification thing on comments. So now when you leave a comment you have to type in some random letters to verify that you're a human and not a spambot. Please let me know if it's too annoying.

**Update**: I liked Juno and Liz's idea of a game making up meanings for the non-words in the verifier box. So if you feel like joining in below, feel free!

Friday's inane post

I don't have much to say today. Still crashing I guess.

I did get about 5-6 hours of sleep last night. Which was probably at least 2 more hours than I would have gotten if DH hadn't been home, since the baby didn't sleep very well. DH was really tired after his trip, so he wasn't able/willing to be up with the baby quite as much as I had hoped. But he did help a lot with things.

It was nice to have him take care of the girls while I had some down time last night. He even did some laundry. And he fed the girls breakfast and got them dressed this morning before he left for work.

Now it's quiet time and DH came home from work to put them down for their naps, so I'm going to try to sleep a bit more. I'm glad tomorrow is the weekend and hopefully I'll be able to get a bit more rest.

3 weeks, 1 day

Baby E is 22 days old today. The doctor we saw today wasn't our "regular" doctor--although I was able to get our "old" doctor back as our primary care physician. But the pediatrician we saw tonight was connected, caring and thorough.

She said that Baby E looked very healthy and that some kids just make more mucous than others, and gave me some tips for managing it. She said that if it didn't clear up or E continued having gasping episodes or changed color, to bring her back in.

They did take E's clothes/diaper off to weigh her. The nurse was aghast when I told her they'd weighed E fully clothed at the last appointment.

Baby E was 10 lbs. 8 oz. today. Yeah. Up from 8 lbs. 13 oz at birth and 9 lbs 1 oz at 4 days. The weight of 9 lbs 1.8 oz fully clothed last week had to have been wrong. There's no way she lost weight like that and then gained over 24 ounces in 6 days. DH and I are guessing the nurse just didn't take the time to calibrate the scale properly at the last appointment, since it didn't seem possible Baby E had lost weight the way she was growing out of her clothes.

So, I feel much better about that.

Happily, DH insisted on driving us all to the appointment rather than just me taking Baby E, even though it meant dragging the girls out somewhere yet again. It really isn't safe for me to be driving in my current state of sleep deprivation. Plus, now that I don't absolutely HAVE to "hold up," I am really crashing both physically and emotionally.

DH begged me to go right to bed as soon as I eat something, and he'll take care of everything and just bring me the baby when she needs to nurse.

That sounds wonderful.

Whew

DH is home. Finally. He's tired, sore, sunburned and has blisters on his feet from his Disney World adventure yesterday. Somehow, I don't feel too sorry for him. :) I'm glad he had a good time though.

SIL The Mentor came over this morning to watch the two older girls while I took the van to get new tires. They put me on rush because I had less than an hour before I needed to leave for the airport.

Baby E slept the whole time and I got to sit in the tire store's waiting room and read the newspaper in peace and quiet. Wow, that felt good. I don't know how long since I've gotten to sit down and read a newspaper. Life's small luxuries seem very sweet in persective.

My sister J went along with the kids and me for the ride to pick DH up at the airport. She's leaving early tomorrow morning to go back and finish her degree, so we won't see her again until Thanksgiving. It was sad to say goodbye, and I'm really glad she made time to see us before she left.

Baby E's stuffy nose is worse and the discharge is getting thicker and yellower. She's gasping and gagging every now and then. The SIDS alarm went off last night and when I woke up she was gasping and choking. Very frightening. So I'm taking her to the doctor (not the doctor we saw for her two-week appointment) in an hour.

I'm really glad DH is home. The girls are so excited. He's sitting with all three of them in his lap right now, showing them a map of Disney World and telling them all about it.

The girls (and I) are probably going to have a hard time tomorrow morning when he leaves for work, but at least he'll be home in the evening and then we'll have the weekend together. Hopefully we'll get some rest.

I wonder if this is what it feels like to be drunk

Some of the people I interacted with today must have thought I was either drunk or high on something.

I'm sure I wierded a few people out. I would have scared myself if I didn't know I was a walking talking result of a week alone with two preschoolers, a newborn, car troubles and essentially no sleep.

I repeat myself. I have to ask others to repeat themselves. I get my right and left mixed up when giving directions, and can't remember street names or my own address.(My apologies to the lady who got lost bringing us dinner last night.) I'll be halfway through the answer to a question when I realize the question I'm answering isn't the question they asked. My eyes keep crossing and drooping, and I'm having trouble keeping my balance. I'm talking v e r y s l o w l y , trailing off mid-word, and occasionally slurring my speech.

The poor lady who brought dinner to us tonight (Chicken Marsala with angel hair pasta, mushrooms and asparagus) was very kind and forbearing, but looked a little disturbed as she hurried away. She is very young and put-together, and has never had infants or toddlers.

I literally kept falling asleep mid-page while reading to the girls earlier tonight. I'd notice my voice was getting quieter and slower, then the words would get all mushy . . . next thing I knew the girls would be poking me and saying, "Mommy? Read this page next, Mommy. This one right here. Yeah, that one. Uh, Mommy? Are you going to read the next page?"

If anyone needs a subject for an experiment in sleep deprivation and general fatigue, let me know. I'll be happy to oblige.

Of course, it just might help if I would remember to take my vitamins, drink adequate water, and eat more than one solid meal a day. Just maybe. You never know.

I was going to go get the brake recall fixed on DH's car this morning, but instead it took me 5 hours to accomplish the following tasks: getting the kids up and dressed, feeding them, eating a bowl of cold cereal, feeding and changing the baby approximately sixty-eleven times, cleaning up one potty accident, and breaking up two hundred and thirty-gazillion fights between the girls.

Oh, yes, and taking a shower. After 4 hours of attempting to get all three kids occupied for 5 minutes straight with some combination of sleeping, watching a video or playing nicely together, I finally got smart and just took all of them into the bathroom with me. Baby E camped out in the bouncy seat two feet away while the rest of us crowded into the shower all at once. It worked quite well, actually. Nobody fought, the girls thought it was great fun, and all three of us got clean.

Another 2 hours later, I had succeeded in wrestling the (mostly dry) cover back onto M's car seat and getting socks, shoes and ponytails onto the girls.

With help from my mom, I managed to go get my van from the mechanic today. Mom dropped me off and then took the girls out for ice cream. I paid the mechanic and listened to him explain all the details of the van, what he did and didn't do, what parts he had used and why he chose one approach to the repair over another, what the last mechanic who worked on it did wrong, what the van would need done in the next few months or a year, how to care for the vehicle, and a few bonus stories about slightly related issues his other customers had with their cars. He believes in educating his customers and making sure they fully understand what's going on with the vehicle. And, although he barely says two words together in any other context, he loves to talk about cars.

I remember maybe a third of what he told me, and which I was going to pass on to DH--I hope the rest wasn't too important.

DH takes the vehicles to a big professional chain when he gets them worked on, but I prefer this small-time mechanic who works out of a shop next to his home. My family has been friends with his family for years. He's a skilled workman with a great love of cars and pride in his work. I trust him implicitly and have great confidence in the quality of his work and the fairness of his prices. Which is all very nice, but by the time we got done the baby had been fussing for a while and my time without the two older girls was used up. None of us except the baby got naps today, but at least we got that task done.

The verdict: the alternator was shot, the oil was two quarts low and apparently hadn't been changed for about a year, and the rear tires are completely bald. Other than that the van is in pretty good shape. The first two items he fixed, but I'll have to go somewhere else to take care of the tires. Since he strictly cautioned me against driving at freeway speeds at all lest the tires burst, I'll have to do that before going to pick DH up at the airport tomorrow afternoon.

DH got out of his work conference early today. He was able to spend most of the day playing at Disney World, thanks to a relative of a relative who works there. So he kept calling on his cell phone to tell the girls about the things he was seeing and let them listen to the sounds and rides there. That was fun.

The highlight was a Winnie-the-Pooh ride in which they got to hear Tigger woo-hooo-hoo-ing, Piglet and Owl floating down a waterfall, Christopher Robin getting Tigger out of a tree, and Pooh having a nightmare about Heffalumps and Woozles.

A spent the next two hours hollering at my now-turned-off cell phone to tell Winnie the Pooh not to worry: "It's okay, Winnie-the-Pooh. You don't need to be scared. It was just a dream, and dreams are your mind making up stories while you're sleeping. Your mind is very smart. It makes up stories, like watching a movie." Nothing I said seemed to allay her concerns. I finally called DH back so he could reassure her that Winnie the Pooh was okay. That seemed to help, but she was still talking about Winnie the Pooh's dreams tonight.

I've been writing this post over the past several hours, between getting the kids ready for bed and feeding the baby.

A is fast asleep already. M just finished having a tantrum which involved getting so angry that she screamed until her eyes rolled back in her head and throwing herself against a cupboard in the dark, nearly knocking herself out. Because I wouldn't leave the light on in the playroom so she could read books. She's sleeping in the playroom because her bed is wet and I don't have the energy to deal with it at the moment. Yes, I had a diaper on her. I've been attempting to follow Liz's sage advice today. But she removed her diaper and (deliberately?) wet the bed while throwing a tantrum because I wouldn't give her another glass of milk.

Now it's time to gather up the garbage and recycling and take it out for tomorrow morning's collection. The garbage truck comes bright and early--and is sure to wake the girls at 7 a.m. or so.

Oh, wait, the baby is awake and wanting to be fed again.

But first, a couple of today's quotes from the girls.

A: "M, please don't let me die. Please, please give me back that toy. I'll surely die if you don't give me back that toy I had."

M: "NO! I don't want to eat lunch! I'm Mad! I don't like you, Mommy! I don't like A, and I don't like Daddy. I don't like anybody! Except Baby E. (complete change of tone) I like the baby, Mommy. I love Baby E! She's our baby. Look at her, she's so cute! Awwww. I want to give the baby a hug. (Smothering baby.) Mwah!"

Baby E: Gaaaa! Aah, aah, aah . . . snuffle, slurp, slurp. Sigh.

Attention, spammers

I think I've deleted 25 or 30 spam comments from my blog in the last 24 hours. After a long time blogging with only one spam post I had to delete, I have no idea why this sudden influx of spam. I'm not going to put up with having it be a full-time job deleting blatant advertising from anonymous commenters on my blog.

I don't mind regular readers linking back to a relevant post on their own blog, or that sort of thing. But this is, as Churchill (supposedly) said, "the kind of arrant pedantry up with which I will not put."

If this keeps up I'm going to have to disable anonymous comments. And I really don't want to have to do that. So if I can figure out a way to report these spammers to their ISP or to Blogger, I am going to start doing that. Especially since so many of the ads sound like they're written by the same person and show up 5 or 10 at a time . . . I'm starting to feel stalked.

Please, if you're a spammer, get lost. I don't want links to your weight loss site, your "get money now" scams, your "free trial offers," your computer virus disguised as a web page, or your illegal pharmacy plastered all over my blog. Consider yourselves warned.

When you're up, you're up / And when you're down, you're down. . .

I feel like that kids' song about the "Noble Duke of York." Up, down, up, down . . . from one extreme to the other as fast as I can go.

One minute I'm overjoyed and feeling like life is going great. The next minute it seems like things can hardly get worse. Today has been especially roller-coaster-like, with both wonderful and frustrating moments. Tonight I'm crashing and burning, so read this post at your own risk. :)

Yesterday my friend "Morning" came over. We tried to go to the store to buy diapers, which I desperately needed, but discovered my van was dead. Thankfully it broke down in my own driveway rather than stranding me alone with 3 kids out on the road somewhere.

Long story, but it had been having issues last week and DH replaced the battery but didn't get a chance to take it in for diagnostics and a tune-up before he left.

DH had at the last minute decided to leave his car here and get a ride instead of taking it to the airport, so it was here. But there was no way I could fit all three kids' car seats in the back seat. Believe me, I tried. Then I cried.

Yesterday and today, it turns out I've almost had more people offer help than I know what to do with . . . especially since I made a few phone calls to ask for help, and the word got out through the grapevine at church that my car broke down on top of DH being gone and my being home alone with two preschoolers and a newborn.

"Morning" was a huge help with the kids, doing the dishes and running to the store for me. My dad bought the new Graco Turbo Booster we had been planning to buy for A anyway, which was several inches narrower than her Britax Wizard (which will get passed down to the other girls in turn). Nobody in my family had time to bring the seat or the battery charger over, so one of our friends from church small group, "The Motivator," went to get them and brought them here for me. The Motivator's wife, CreativeCrafty, called to offer a listening ear and a shoulder, and let me know she'd be available on Wednesday, her day off, if I needed anything. If the van gets done being fixed soon enough, I'll probably ask her to go with me to pick it up.

After several hours on the charger, the van was at least running well enough to get it to an old family friend who is a mechanic. It took me all morning and part of the afternoon between caring for the kids and feeding the baby, but I finally managed to get the new car seat assembled and installed, and it worked! It was just enough narrower that I could squeeze all three seats into the car.

Another friend from church, "CrochetingBuddy," came over today. She not only helped me take the van over to the mechanic, but she also helped with the kids while I worked on getting the car seats installed, and then helped change sheets on the beds before she left--a task I'd been wanting to get done for some time. (The girls' beds have been getting changed frequently because of accidents, but the others were overdue for a change.)

SIL The Mentor made herself available this afternoon in case I needed her, and my MIL has offered to come any time she's needed as well. Several of the neighbors have told me to let them know if I needed anything or have offered help in various ways, as have a number of other friends and family members.

The crossed communication wires regarding meals finally got straightened out, and a lady from church brought the first of 5 meals we'll be getting this week--Chicken Milan with pasta, broccoli, french bread, watermelon, and juice popsicles, plus some flowers for the table. It was delicious and tasted especially good after several days of corn dogs and grilled cheese sandwiches. :)

Tomorrow my mom is planning to take the girls out for ice cream, and my sister is going to the airport with us to pick up DH on Thursday. I am so glad DH will be home in a few more days.

I'm very thankful for the help and support of so many. I'm sure I would have somehow survived the week, but this is definitely making it a lot easier. Although easy isn't the word--it's still not by any means easy.

A side benefit of all this car trouble, though, is that I discovered I really like using DH's car with the kids in it better than my van. It is so much easier to get the kids and myself in and out of, and I like having them all within arm's reach of the front seat. DH said he'd be happy to switch vehicles with me if that's what I want. So that's nice. We never would have tried putting all three seats in his car if the van hadn't broken down.

I am, however, going to try to take the car in to the dealership tomorrow morning because there is an active recall on the vehicle regarding something about the brakes. I'll feel a lot more comfortable driving it once that's taken care of. Although it still has some issues with the electrical system and a few other minor things, I think it will make life much easier than driving the van.

M had an accident in her car seat tonight, so I am hoping I can get the seat cover washed and line dried tonight in time to be able to use it tomorrow. Aargh.

I took the kids out for a brief run to Wal-Mart tonight, and both of them apparently pretended to use the bathroom but didn't--or just plain didn't--when I told them to go before we left. Almost as soon as we arrived they both said they needed to go potty. Since they both disobeyed and lied to me, and they were both wearing pull-ups anyway, I decided not to even try to get all three kids and a shopping cart into the bathroom (which was clear at the other end of the store) and just told them they should have gone when I told them to and to try to hold it until we got home. Yes, I know . . . really stupid idea. So on top of running around in circles screaming in the store, they were crying about wanting to go potty (even though they happily went in their pull-ups all day).

By the time we got home M had soaked all the way through her pull-up, her clothes, the cover and padding on her car seat. There was even a puddle on the seat of the vehicle underneath the safety seat when I took it out to get the cover off.

Meanwhile, the baby was screaming and screaming, and the girls were getting out of bed and playing instead of going to sleep. That's when I cried again.

I am guessing that all day long every time I told M to go potty, she went into the bathroom, shut the door, and came out a few minutes later without having actually used the toilet. The Pull-Up was absolutely saturated. I'm going to have to figure out how to deal with her about that later. Not sure how to handle it, but if she is really being deliberately deceptive I will need to deal with that somehow.

She has been totally potty trained (at least during the day--even nap time) for months, but has really regressed in the last week or two. She didn't even tell me she had a wet pull-up or get herself a dry one, which is what she would normally do. A had her second or third wet Pull-Up today too, but at least she changed hers when she soiled it.

Both girls just seem to have decided they would rather not bother with using the toilet and would prefer just to go in their pants. I got so tired of constantly changing sheets and cleaning up the floors that I just let them both wear pull-ups all day today, but they responded by not even trying to use the bathroom, I guess.

By the time we got home it was really late, and they were tired and distinctly uncooperative about getting into bed. I ended up really yelling at them to STOP IT AND GET INTO BED RIGHT NOW!!!! Usually I try so hard not to yell that the kids know when Mommy is so angry that she speaks in a whisper, things are really serious! It's often a struggle for me. But I've found myself getting tired and frustrated and raising my voice a lot more this week.

I know that just snapping "Stop it!" at them without even clarifying what I want them to stop doing or what I want them to do instead isn't effective. But between stress and sleep deprivation I feel all frayed at the ends and am having trouble coming up with effective ways to cope.

I feel like such a terrible mother this week. It seems all I'm doing is telling them to stop running and screaming in the house, stop manhandling the baby, stop pushing and yelling at each other (and me!), sit down in your chair, stop trying to push the baby's head around, don't climb on me while I'm feeding her, don't pull on the baby's arms, get down from the windowsill, don't you dare talk to me that way, share your toys and take turns, pick up that thing you just threw on the floor, don't throw toys at people, I'm sorry but I can't carry you, don't run the other way and yell no when I ask you to come here, I can't help you with that right now because I'm feeding the baby, stop fighting over that toy or I'll take it away, no you can't sleep all night in the car, no daddy's not coming home today, be quiet I'm on the phone, NO don't go in and wake the baby, YES you do have to sit at the table for dinner/go potty/wash your hands/go to bed, etc. etc.

I'm trying to make time to read to them and interact with them in positive ways and give them lots of hugs and affirmation, but I feel it's a drop in the bucket comparatively. They are not acting like their normally sweet and cooperative selves at all. Neither am I. I hate being this way.

We're all yo-yoing drastically from one emotion to the next. One minute the kids are hugging me and telling me they love me, and the next they're telling me not to tell them what to do, stomping their feet and yelling no, or saying "I don't like you, Mommy!"

A couple of times I've been able to put the kids in their rooms for time-outs and remember to take a few minutes to breathe, pray and collect myself. That helps some. I really need to do it more often and for longer periods of time. But if I do get a few minutes of down time, I usually sleep.

I'll be really glad when this week is over.

I was sitting here feeling sad and typing one-handed when I heard a coo. When I looked down at the baby in my arms, she was staring intently into my face with what looked like an actual smile on her face. But 2 1/2 week old babies don't smile and coo at you, do they? I talked to her and she did it again! Wow. I needed that tonight. I don't care if it is "gas"--it still makes my heart flutter.

Ugh. I can't believe this.

What a horrible time for the van to break down. The engine won't even turn over.

Clarification

I just wanted to mention that my little vent of yesterday about near-strangers saying "let us know if we can help" was NOT directed at anyone who reads my blog. Those of you who are family and dear friends, I feel comfortable enough to ask for specifics--and most of you tend to be pretty specific if offering help anyway.

I was just making an observation about something that seems to be common in society. When someone will say "let us know if you need anything" to someone they barely know, it's very kind of them but it's hard to know--not knowing the person--what exactly they had in mind, or if they were just being polite. And, I'm much less comfortable asking for help from people who have never been to my home before and whose names I can't remember. :)

Sunday--sleep-deprived but surviving

Well, between the girls and Baby E waking up, Baby E having a long fussy spell, etc. I got to sleep around 4:30 a.m. last night. The kids were up for the day around 7.

I was really happy that I managed to get us all up, bathed, dressed, fed and into the van in time to get to church. I'd planned to get there early and didn't quite manage that, but did make it in time for the service. Since last week was family camp, it was the first time most people had gotten to see Baby E. We ended up staying and visiting for quite a while afterwards.

A number of people asked me to let them know if I needed anything, or what they could do to help. I never know what to answer to that question, especially when it's not someone I know particularly well. I don't know how much they were really meaning to offer or what they would be comfortable doing. Besides, in my current state of sleep deprivation and postpartum brainlessness, I can never think of what I need or what would be helpful anyway.

It would be so much easier if people would offer something specific they are comfortable doing, like telling me they would like to bring us a meal, mow the lawn, go grocery shopping, vaccuum or mop, babysit, etc. Or even just set up a specific time to come over and let me know how much time and energy they are able to spend so I can come up with something that fits their level of availablity and committment. As it is, I usually end up just thanking them and that's the end of it.

My MIL came over again this afternoon. She held the baby and entertained the girls while I took a long nap, which I desperately needed, and she did some more laundry. The girls have been regressing and having lots of potty accidents, so we're generating lots of laundry these days.

Bedtime was much easier today. After MIL left I had the girls get their pajamas on and the four of us cuddled on the couch and watched part of a Shirley Temple movie. The girls enjoyed that and I told them that if they got into bed and went to sleep quickly, we'd get to watch the rest tomorrow night. Baby E fussed a bit but I laid her in the pack-n-play anyway while I put the girls to bed. Now all three girls are asleep and I'm going to bed too.

I've had very little time at the computer and haven't had a chance to respond to everyone's comments, but I am reading them and greatly appreciate them. Thank you!

Remembering Baby William

Our nephew William would have been a year old today.



William Roger was born August 20, 2004 at 12:05 pm. He was 9 lb, 2 oz, and 21 inches long.

He died of SIDS three months later, on November 12th, around noon.



Ps. 27:13-14 I had fainted, unless I had believed to see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living. Wait on the LORD: be of good courage, and he shall strengthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the LORD.

Even in the first days of his life William was an unusually beautiful, alert and interactive baby. His life was short, but full of much love given and received. For a tiny baby, he enriched all of our lives in a very big way.

I will never forget the first time I held William. He was about a week old, and I had been going through a phase where I wasn't sure I wanted more children. I hadn't felt drawn to babies at all and hadn't even particularly enjoyed holding or playing with other people's babies. But when I held William my heart melted. I spent the weekend not wanting to put him down. At that moment I knew I wanted another baby of our own.

Every time I saw William, he tugged at my heart in a special way. I could never get enough of holding and cuddling him. He affected other people the same way. There was just something unique about him.

In November, William and his family stayed with us for 5 days to help celebrate DH's 30th birthday. We're very close to BIL (brother-in-law) and SIL (sister-in-law). BIL is the closest of DH's brothers in age to him and they spent a lot of time together growing up. SIL is a childhood friend of mine. The two of them met at DH's and my wedding and were married almost exactly a year later. Although they live a few hours' drive from us, we spend a lot of time visiting at each other's homes and are very close. So it was special to have them come to be a part of DH's birthday bash.

We had a big party with lots of family and friends. For many of them, it was the first time they'd gotten to see William. He was of course cooed over, cuddled and passed around. He loved the attention.

At not quite 3 months, William would break into a big grin and coo up into your face, fixing his big eyes on yours and lighting up the room. His greatest delight was reserved for his mother. He'd catch sight of her and his whole face and body would be animated with a big toothless grin.

We had 5 wonderful days of enjoying my sister- and brother-in-law and their two little boys. Their 2-year-old always gets along marvelously with our girls and they have so much fun together. I spent a lot of time just holding William and talking to him. He was so beautiful, interactive and healthy.

After the time with us and another day with SIL's family, they went home. William had completely won me over to the idea of having another baby, and sometime during the next few days our Baby E was conceived. (We wouldn't find out, of course, until a few weeks later.)

2 days after they went home, William didn't wake up from his nap. Our world was shattered. This beautiful, perfectly healthy baby was gone just like that.

I know how much it hurt--and still hurts--for me, and I can only imagine what it's been like for our BIL and SIL.

Here's an excerpt from the blog entry I wrote a few days later:

That Friday I received one of the most devastating telephone calls I could imagine. My mother-in-law called and told me that BIL and SIL's nearly three-month-old baby, William, had died suddenly that afternoon. The days since then have been something of a blur. If only there was something we could do or say to somehow ease the pain. But there is little we can do other than cry with and pray for them.

We all loved little William so much--he was a very special baby. He was bright, engaging and interactive far above his age level. I can still see his bright eyes connecting with his mother's, and see him break into a big, toothless, full-bodied grin. I can hear him coo and babble.

SIDS is a terrible and frightening thing--one moment a baby is healthy and alive, and in the next breath he is gone. There was nothing anybody could do.

I know that somehow God has a plan in this, but it is beyond my understanding. It doesn't seem fair that these two wonderful people who are incredible parents should lose two children (the first to miscarriage four years ago, when SIL and I were pregnant together with her first baby and my A).

I have found myself wondering if I'd had the choice to give up one of my children instead, would I have been able to do it--and then remembering that God did exactly that. He gave His only Son, in place of my life and yours. He knows what it means to lose a child--by His own choosing.

I know He understands and cares. May He give us all, and especially BIL and SIL, peace and some measure of understanding--or at least acceptance and trust.


Here is what BIL and SIL shared about it with their church, family and friends in April. BIL said:

As most of you know, five months ago, back on November 12th, our baby William died unexpectedly. He was three months old. This is still hard for us to talk about.

It happened on that Friday afternoon; both S and I were home. That morning, little William had laughed out loud for the first time. He was a big baby and full of life. We put him down for his nap before noon. At 12:30 we went to check on him, and he was dead.

S and I of course will never forget that day. Many details are burned into our minds -- my long efforts to revive William, the paramedics telling us it was hopeless, our holding his body in our arms one last time before the coroner took him for his autopsy.

The autopsy results said it was SIDS, Sudden Infant Death Syndrome. That means they don't know what caused him to die.

Someone asks: Why did it happen? We don't know. We do know God does NOT DELIGHT in death. But sometimes God's purposes are a mystery, and we don't know why He allows things to happen.

But as I walk through this dark valley, with S, by God's grace I have been able to see SOME THINGS more clearly than I did before. I'd like to mention three things.

FIRST, God never gives a burden heavier than we can carry.

I'm reminded of a story told by Corrie Ten Boom, a Christian woman who was sent to Nazi concentration camps in WW2 where she saw her father and sister die. She tells a story of a time when she was a little girl and her father wanted to teach her an important lesson. He asked her to pick up their suitcase. They were traveling somewhere and the suitcase was full. Corrie struggled but couldn't lift the suitcase. Her father said, don't worry, I'll carry it. Then he said, I love you, and I will never give you a suitcase heavier than you can lift, and God loves you, and he will never give you a suitcase heavier than you can lift.

It's a promise in the Bible, in I Cor 10:13 and Matthew 11:30.

S and I are not strong people, but God has given us the strength every day to carry this burden. And this promise helps us be free from FEAR OF THE FUTURE. No matter what happens, we know God will not let it overwhelm us.

SECOND, I know more clearly than before that God uses His church to support His people.

S and I cannot thank you-all enough for your love and your comfort, your concern and your help to us over the last 5 months. We needed you, and you were there for us.

I heard about a woman whose life fell apart after a SIDS death. She got divorced. She said she could never have another child because of the FEAR of losing it. Only Jesus can conquer that fear and give hope.

(pause) Incidentally, S and I are looking forward to a new baby this coming November.

The THIRD thing I see more clearly now is that this world is not my home. Part of my family is already home.

I'm not as attached to this world as I was. This world is temporary. C.S. Lewis called earth the "Shadowlands," in contrast to heaven which is full of light, and no death.

I Corinthians [7:31] tells me, "this world is passing away."

James [4:14] says, "What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes."

Matthew [6:19-21] tells me, Don't store your treasure on earth where moth and rust and thieves will take it. Store your treasure in heaven: no moth, no rust, no thieves.

As S and I walk together through this valley of the shadow of death, we remember it's just a SHADOW of death on this earth. Jesus conquered death once and for all. The shadowlands are temporary -- this will all pass away, and the morning of heaven
will come. It will be a great reunion.

So those are the things God has helped me see more clearly:
* He never gives a burden heavier than we can carry
* He uses all of us, His church, to love people who are hurting
* And He has a better place than this earth ready and waiting for us

Now S has some verses she wants to share.

[S tells how Psalm 27:13-14 (KJV) helped us]

Nine months later, I am amazed at the blessing and healing God has brought even in the midst of pain. I have seen BIL's and SIL's faith and their relationship with God carry them through this pain, along with the love and support of family and friends. My own faith was shaken but came out stronger in the fire. I still don't understand, but somehow I trust that God is faithful even in this. And I can already see some ways in which God has used a bad thing for good in bringing knowledge, comfort and healing to BIL, SIL and through them to others whom their lives touch.

William left a legacy--both his own precious memory, the love and light he brought into all our lives, and the way he has caused us to treasure our children here and now. I still think of him every day.

We can't take a moment with our children for granted. We never know how long we will have them, but because of William we treasure each day in a way we didn't before.

Each hug from my children, each touch of Baby E's skin, carries a special depth and sweetness. Every facial expression, every sweet word, every moment of pure joy is a gift I lock away in my heart and will never let go.

Hooray for family

Baby E had her first real bath yesterday. She didn't like it much, but it made her hair so soft and fluffy.



Here's what she does like--being held. She was staring up into my face with her arms crossed under her chin today. Of course, I couldn't get her to look at the camera--she wanted to look at Mommy instead.



She's so incredibly alert and observant. Sometimes she'll be fussing about something and see something interesting. She'll stop mid-cry to stare at it for several minutes before she remembers that she was fussing and starts up again.

Baby E loves to stare at people's faces.



DH left early this morning on a business trip. My dad took him to the airport at 4 a.m.--thanks, Dad!

Since Saturday is DH's day to spend special time with the girls while I get a break, they especially missed him today. We were all very tired and the kids were weepy and grouchy. The baby wouldn't sleep or stop fussing unless she was being held. It had the makings of a very long day.

As I was cooking breakfast, my mother-in-law (MIL) called and said, "I'm on my way over. Make a list of things you want me to do while I'm there, and I'll help with whatever I can." I was so surprised and grateful. She was here for the whole day and did tons of laundry as well as entertaining the girls, holding the baby, etc. The help was wonderful, but even nicer was just having her company all day. I really enjoyed her visit, and so did the girls. I even got a 2 1/2 hour (!!!) nap this afternoon. She's coming again tomorrow afternoon.

Our family and friends have been so supportive. We took my parents and sisters out to dinner Thursday night as a thank-you for all their help watching the girls at critical times during the pregnancy and delivery. That was a little bittersweet, as my middle sister is leaving to complete her degree next week. It was the last time we'd all be together for several months. We'll miss J a lot.

Today, bedtime without DH was the most challenging part of the day. The girls were fairly cooperative, but the baby cried the whole time I was trying to get them into bed. So much for of a relaxed, leisurely time of cuddling A and M and tucking them in. I was trying to help them brush their teeth and hustling them into bed with one hand while holding a screaming baby with the other.

Finally after the girls were settled and in bed, Baby E conked out and slept for 30 or 40 minutes while I went back into the girls' room to cuddle and pray with them. Now baby E is awake and eating again, but the girls are settled much more happily.

We got to talk to DH on the phone several times today. He hid little notes around the house for me and sent me the clue to help me find the first one today.

I miss him.

Family Practice

Since we moved to this house almost 3 years ago, I've been thinking about switching doctors' offices. Our line of clinics has a branch much closer to our current home than the office in NeighboringSmallTown where we've been going for the past several years. Although I like our family practice doctor pretty well, there are a few things that are less than ideal about both the doctor and the clinic in general.

So, when I got put on hold once again for what seemed like an excessive amount of time while trying to make Baby E's 2-week appointment, I decided it was time. I called the appropriate number and asked to have myself and all three girls transferred to a doctor at the nearer clinic.

We had our first appointment with the new doctor today. After a 20-minute wait in the waiting room and another 25 minutes waiting in the exam room, the doctor finally came in. She looked a bit perturbed to see the whole family camped out in the room. Without introducing herself or asking our names, she apologized for the delay.

She said she'd been 10 minutes into the exam in another room with the wrong patient before she realized the patient was not Baby E.

Now, even as a lowly former veterinary assistant I know that the very first thing most medical practicioners do is verify that the patient in the room matches the patient whose chart they have in their hand. Plus, Baby E had been the only infant in the waiting room. So it appears it took the doctor 10 minutes to figure out that the 6-year-old girl called in just before us wasn't our infant in for her 2-week check-up. Alrighty then.

So then the doctor came over to look at Baby E. I explained that all three girls and I would be transferring our care to her, and told her all our names. She seemed a bit annoyed that I took the time to introduce us all. She did not make eye contact with any of the 5 of us. She vaguely acknowledged the introductions and started asking routine questions.

First she asked if we had any questions or concerns, and I named three: Baby E's stuffy nose and erratic breathing, and sometimes choking and gagging. The little white bumps (they look like tiny blisters) on her scalp and forehead. And her stomach pain/fussiness. I had to ask again later in the appointment about all three.

The doctor read off a chart several questions about breastfeeding and then proceeded to tell me to do what I had just finished telling her I'm already doing. She seemed to be reading from a script rather than interacting with us as an individual case.

The doctor seemed quite disturbed that we wanted to discuss varying the vaccination schedule a bit. I told her that we wanted to delay the Hep B shot until at least age 2 and she said that was fine, but then kept saying the baby needs the Hep B at 2 months, 4 months etc. I don't know if she forgot in that 5-minute time span or what.

I asked about spreading out the vaccinations to a bit farther apart so we could give the baby fewer shots at a time, and she didn't seem to understand the question. She went into this big long explanation about how you can't really do that because the state provides the vaccinations and they only provide single vaccines instead of the combination shots. That the combination shots allow for fewer needle sticks to give all 5 vaccinations at once, but aren't really an option because they're too expensive.

I tried to explain, but gave up.

My concern wasn't the amount of needle sticks--it's the basic idea of giving 5 or more shots all at the same time. I've seen too many vaccine reactions and I prefer giving just one or two vaccinations at a time rather than 5 at once because of the load on the immune system. Plus, we are going to want to skip some of the vaccinations like the Chicken Pox (Varicella) one, which is rather controversial and possibly unecessary anyway. This doctor just didn't even seem to want to interact with those ideas. (Our old doctor had no problem with it; even told us that she wouldn't give the Varicella shot to her own kids and didn't think it was necessary.)

They weighed Baby E fully dressed, which I thought was odd. The doctor didn't remove any of her clothing except her socks during the appointment. She lifted E's shirt to listen to her heart and look at her spine, and she checked the baby for what seemed like 2 minutes and said she looked great and healthy.

Baby E weighed 8 lbs 13 oz. at birth and 9 lbs. 1 oz at her 4-day appointment. At both of these they weighed her without even a diaper to be sure to get an accurate weight. Fully clothed and with a wet diaper, she weighed 9 lbs 1.8 oz today. I am sure that means she's lost weight. Neither of my other two babies lost weight in the first two weeks--they both gained about an ounce a day the first week or two. But the doctor didn't even compare Baby E's weight to her earlier weights. She didn't address the fact that she hadn't gained weight and whether that was normal or a matter for concern. She just looked her current weight up on a chart and said she was 90th percentile in both height and weight, and that was good. So now I don't know whether to try to get Baby E to nurse more, or if she's doing fine.

We asked about Baby E's fussy spells and abdominal discomfort, but the doctor didn't make any suggestions or even answer the question--just said ok and looked back at the chart. The same when I asked about the little white bumps on her scalp--she didn't even really look at them. When I said I'd had exczema on my scalp as an infant and was wondering if this was something like that or just bumpy skin, she just kind of said mmm-hmmm and moved on to the next question.

I asked about Baby E's chronically stuffy nose and the way she gasps and gags frequently, and she said she'd look in her nose but then forgot. I had to remind her at the end of the appointment. (She said it looked clear and just to try using the bulb syringe, which we've already been doing but hasn't been helping much, and try some saline solution.) Side note: I just realized that the reason the snoring/stuffy nose thing bothers me so much is that our 3-month-old nephew who died in November had the same kind of thing.

We also told the pediatrician that we'd had two SIDS deaths in the family and were concerned about it. She said "oh," but didn't really interact with us about that either.

The doctor never once smiled. She didn't seem to enjoy the baby or any part of the appointment. She didn't talk to the baby. She barely acknowledged the existence of anyone in the room other than me and the baby. We were just the next item on her assembly line. She didn't seem to really care or register what we were saying, even in answer to questions she asked. As DH said, "She was on autopilot."

As we were leaving, DH looked at me and said, "Suddenly, driving to NeighboringSmallTown doesn't seem so bad."

I'll be calling on Monday to see if we can go back to our other doctor.

"Morning"

A dear friend from my church (who happens to read my blog) is coming over today. I get to see her usually at least once every week or two, and she is one of the Friends Who Keep Me Sane--just having some adult interaction on a regular basis is wonderful, but she is also honest, insightful, real and good at both listening and talking. She often makes herself vulnerable and allows me to do the same. She can encourage me, make me think or draw me closer to God completely unintentionally and without realizing she's doing so.

I always enjoy getting together with her. Sometimes we'll just talk, sometimes we'll do something like bake, do the dishes or play a game. She usually fits right in to what we're doing. I never feel like I have to "entertain" her or try to be someone I'm not with her. My kids love her and she interacts very well with them. She has no children of her own, so my kids treat her like an honorary aunt. They call her "Morning."

She helped me with the eye meme a few months ago, and we took a picture of her eyes in the process too. They are lovely eyes--deep, thoughtful brown eyes. Like the rest of her face, they mirror her thoughts and reveal much of her personality.



She's informed me that while here today she'd like to help by cleaning my kitchen floor. And, she just called to say she's stopping at the store and asked what she could pick up for me.

I'm thanking God for friends like her.

And, since I know you'll be reading this . . . thanks, "Morning." :) You totally made my day. And your friendship is one of the great treasures of my life. I only hope I can bless you as much as you bless me.

Front pack carrier

Baby E likes to ride in this carrier. It allows me to hold her and still have both hands free, which is great.

Not Supermom

I'm tired and grouchy today. Tired to the level of feeling dizzy and barely being able to walk--you know the feeling? Of course, it might help if I'd eat something more substantial than a couple of banana oatmeal chocolate chip cookies.

Just to prove I'm really not Supermom, here's a list of just a few of the many things I have not done this week.

* Laundry--in any way, shape or form. Which would be part of the reason I'm wearing the same outfit for the third day in a row today. (The other part being a distinct lack of clothes that both fit and are appropriate for nursing.) Thankfully, DH did some laundry last week so at least the kids have clean clothes, and we all have clean underwear.

* Putting away the laundry DH washed. It's (as usual) still sitting in piles and baskets in the hallway.

* Cooking--last night was the first time in about two weeks I've actually cooked dinner.

* Cleaning, other than what's been absolutely urgent (potty accidents and doing the dishes). The floor under the kitchen table is in such a state that I immediately throw away any food that gets dropped rather than trying to salvage it. None of the floors have been cleaned for weeks. The house looks, as my mom used to say, "like a disaster area"--piles of papers and clutter, everything from clothes to toys scattered on most inches of each room. There's still a pile of grocery bags in the living room from my last shopping trip about a month ago. The perishables managed to get put away, but everything else is still piled behind the rocking chair in the corner. The surfaces we cook and eat off of are pretty sanitary and clean--but go anywhere else in the house at your own risk.

* Shopping. The only outings I've managed so far with the three girls by myself were situations where there was at least one family member at the destination to help with the kids. We're out of eggs and several other essentials, but the very thought of trying to navigate a grocery store with the three kids is overwhelming. Besides, I need to conserve my energy for my 2-week postpartum appointment with the midwife this afternoon.

* Spending time with DH. By the time the kids are in bed (a task which has become his while I nurse the baby), I am crashing and burning.

* Making progress on the logo I'm supposed to be designing for my mom. I promised I'd make one for her gift basket business several months ago and haven't finished it yet. I feel really bad about that and keep trying to set aside time to work on it, but sleep usually ends up taking precedence.

* Putting the 3-6 month size clothes away and taking the clothes that are too small for E out of her drawers. There are still piles of clothes and other baby items all over the floor of the baby's room--not a huge deal since she sleeps in our room anyway, but annoying to step over and around when we use the changing table and dresser in there.

* Giving Baby E a bath. She's had a few sponge baths, but I've been wanting to give her a full-fledged bath and just haven't gotten around to it yet.

* Doing any kind of yardwork. I feel sorry for the neighbors, having to look at our yard. :)

* Playing with the girls. I've supervised their play while doing other things, directed their preschool, and read to them. They're fed and cared for, but I feel like I haven't really been interacting with them much. And I haven't just sat down to play with them in ages.

There's lots more, but my brain is running dry at the moment and I'm getting tired of typing one-handed while holding a fussy infant with the other.

Just call me Supermom :)

Today, I'm thankful for whoever invented pacifiers. Neither of my other two girls used a pacifier much. Baby E is technically too young to be using a pacifier, but she loves them. The pacifier has suddenly become a Very Helpful Tool in my parenting toolbox. The simethicone gas drops, too--I discovered you can give them up to 12 times a day (I'm more likely to give them 2-4 times a day, but it's nice to know I'm not in danger of overdosing her).

Last night I fed E around midnight and put her to bed after hours of fussiness and near-constant nursing. She woke up fussing about an hour later, and instead of nursing her again I decided to try the pacifier. She sucked on it happily for about 10 minutes and dropped off to sleep, not to awaken again until 4. After the 4 a.m. feeding she slept until 7 before she became awake and fussy again. I'm guessing part of the issue here is that she's not always hungry when she acts hungry, and her little tummy must be getting overfull.

Despite all my best efforts, though, she was fussy again all morning. Even the gas drops and pacifier didn't work. No amount of holding E upright, on her belly, on her back, patting, rubbing, holding her still, rocking, walking, feeding, etc. ad nauseum seemed to have any effect. It was very discouraging.

After breakfast the girls played outside while I walked the floor with a crying baby. When she finally did sleep several hours later, it was only as long as she had a pacifier in her mouth.

While she was napping, the girls did preschool while I made up a batch of banana oatmeal chocolate chip cookies. (The recipe called for nuts, but I substituted a cup of chocolate chips instead.) They came out quite well--not too sweet but quite tasty. They're substantial but snacky, and relatively healthy as far as cookies go. I think I'll try making them with brown sugar or honey next time.

I was so impressed with the girls' work today. I got out some new math skill workbooks I'd picked up at the Salvation Army or a garage sale, and they loved them. A buzzed through her entire Pre-K workbook--completing number sequences, writing the correct numerals next to numeric sets, and doing mazes and math games with barely a pause. M did great with her book too, identifying larger/smaller, finding and naming shapes, counting, coloring and tracing. I'm so proud of them. It looks like I'm going to have to find some harder books.

Baby E woke up before I'd gotten halfway through mixing the cookie dough, so I popped her into the front pack carrier with a pacifier in her mouth and she stayed happy for quite a while. I was able to finish the cookie dough, help the girls with their work and unload/load and start the dishwasher before sitting down to feed her.

I found myself thinking, "Well, this certainly isn't easy. But I think I'm actually pretty good at it!"

I'm thinking I might try to get back into doing FlyLady's housekeeping system . . . it seems like with the small goals and 15-minute time increments ("you can do anything for 15 minutes") it might be workable at this time in my life. It's designed for people like me--easily overwhelmed with a tendency toward clutter, distractedness, procrastination, ineffective busy-ness and "wheel-spinning".

While the first batch of cookies was baking I nursed baby E and read to the girls. The book they picked out was a parenting textbook about teaching preschoolers, but they were insistent. To my surprise, they happily sat through 15 minutes of how to teach reading, learning readiness and other skills to preschoolers. Maybe we all learned something. :)

Baby E seemed to really like being in the bouncy seat right next to the running dishwasher. I think she found the noise soothing. She fussed a bit off and on, but mostly looked around and watched us eat lunch before falling asleep.



Between batches of cookies and lunch, I even managed to take out the kitchen garbage and scrub out the trash can. It's amazing how the smallest accomplishments can make you feel successful when your goals and expectations are low. Just something small like baking a batch of cookies makes me feel like Supermom! LOL.

Baby E is finally starting to drop off to sleep in my arms again after another hour of fussiness. A is playing with cars in the playroom and M is "reading" The Little Red Hen aloud to herself in bed. I'm going to try to get a nap while they're having quiet time if Baby E will let me.

Flying Solo

Today was my first full day alone with the three girls, as DH went back to work on his normal schedule. All in all, it went pretty well.

Baby E has been very fussy in the evenings and wanted to nurse almost every hour all night, so I haven't gotten much rest the last couple of nights. But I was functional enough to get up and fix breakfast for the girls.

I decided that a large breakfast might be a good way to stave off the late-morning grouchies the girls have been getting. It seemed to work. We all enjoyed scrambled eggs, toast and cantaloupe. Even I feel so much better with a good breakfast, and having protein seems to make a big difference. I'm going to have to come up with more ideas for protein-rich breakfasts.

When Baby E finally took a late morning nap, I let the girls watch a video and I napped too, with one ear aware of them. I'm really going to need to figure out a better solution than using the TV. But for today it was ok.

I even managed to take a shower, which felt like quite an accomplishment.

First, I got Baby E down for a nap. I was getting the girls set up in the playroom right across the hall from the bathroom when it became apparent that M had neglected to tell me about an earlier potty accident. Her shorts were soaked and there was a huge puddle on the bathroom stool and floor, and tracked across the bathroom. But at least most of the mess seemed to be on the linoleum. I cleaned the toilet, sink and counter while I was at it--certainly didn't intend to accomplish all that today!

By the time I finished getting M and the bathroom cleaned up, Baby E was awake. But the bathroom was clean.

I put E in the bouncy seat and let her watch the trees dance in the bathroom skylight while I took my shower and the girls played across the hall. It worked quite well--I could hear all three of them, and peeked out to do a visual check every minute or so. Baby E didn't even start fussing until I was getting dressed.

We had lunch and I even did a load of dishes before heading out to visit DH's office so his coworkers could see the baby. That was fun.

Baby E has been more difficult the last few days. Her eating and napping have been sporadic. The only times she really seems to sleep well are when she's being held or in the car. She is acting like her tummy is bothering her.

E wants to nurse constantly, but either eats a lot and then seems miserable for the next hour, or eats a small amount and is hungry again very soon. Often she wants to nurse and then ends up choking or gagging like she didn't really want milk to come out. Or she eats a lot and then still acts hungry but won't eat.

Her cries are the sharp cries of an infant in pain, mixed with groans and whole-body writhing and followed by more open-mouthed rooting. It's not the same set of symptoms the other two babies showed when they had reflux, but the effects--frustration, sleeplessness, and a miserable baby--are the same.

I feel like I've entered a time warp . . . I lose track of what time it is and how often she's nursing, but it seems like I'm doing little besides feeding her or trying to comfort her while she's fussing and writhing. I was barely able to put her down all day today--good thing I'm talented at using one hand to do most things.

It's worst at night. I'm trying to pay attention to what I'm eating and other variables to see if anything makes a difference, but haven't been able to pinpoint anything yet. Sometimes the infant gas drops help for a little while, but not much.

We did have about an hour's reprieve tonight when we finally decided to try giving her a pacifier (my finger was getting sore). She loved it and it helped us reach the goal of getting her to wait at least an hour between feedings.

Now that I've fed her again she's renewed her fussing. She has nursed and nursed, and she keeps dropping off to sleep and then waking up crying minutes later. Even holding her isn't helping. I might just let her fuss for a few minutes, except that it's so obvious she's really in pain.

I know she's getting plenty of milk, so I really don't know what's bothering her. It's so frustrating to run out of things to do for the baby and the one thing I can give her--and which she wants--only seems to be making her feel worse.

It looks like it will be another long night.

Eleventy-One Things About Me--Index

I'm going to compile links to all my "Eleventy-One" posts here and update it whenever I post a new installment. That way I can link to this post from my sidebar for those who want to read all Eleventy-One Things About Me.

Bonus "About Me" posts:

Things I've Never Done

Five Things Meme

About Me Meme

"Where I'm From" Meme

Eleventy-One Things About Me

Eleventy-One Things 1-11: Random Facts

Eleventy-One Things 12: My only broken bone

Eleventy-One Things 13: Favorite job

Eleventy-One Things 14-16: More random facts

Eleventy-One Things 17: Socks

Eleventy-One Things 18: Poetry

Eleventy-One Things 19: Eyes

Eleventy-One Things 20-25: University

Eleventy-One Things 26-28: Wedding

Eleventy-One Things 29-30: Heritage

Eleventy-One Things 31: Nerd

Eleventy-One Things 32-34: Handles

Eleventy-One Things 35: Humor

Eleventy-One Things 36: Birth

Eleventy-One Things 37: First Words

Eleventy-One Things 38: Allergies

Eleventy-One Things 39: How I See Beauty

Eleventy-One Things 40: Things I've never done or wanted to do

Eleventy-One Things 41-47: Seven Random Facts About Me

Eleventy-One Things 48: Working with wood

Eleventy-One Things 49: Why Purple_Kangaroo?

Eleventy-One Things 50: I'm not as smart as I used to be.